Doing for me

 

I told A I didn’t want to meet him! Because he made me feel terrible, because he hurt me, because I realized I don’t have to stand for something that makes me feel disrespected! I’m really doing for me now.

It’s not that I’m not conflicted about it, it isn’t that part of me doesn’t want to call him and say that I want to see him, because when we were good, we were good. But I don’t think anyone has made me cry the way he did, I guess it’s true that the ones you love can hurt you much worse than people you don’t care about.

When I told him that I didn’t want to meet with him, he left me this long voicemail, saying that I was disrespecting the relationship that we had, that I would jerking him around, and that if I didn’t want to meet with him I should just say so. I ending up telling him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, and he said that he would wait for me to contact him. I might want to meet with him for closure, but I don’t think I’m going to get back with him. I think he was somewhat manipulative, and that last incident with kicking me out of bed and leaving me to cry to was too disrespectful. I can’t forgive that, especially when he doesn’t seem to think he did anything wrong, and hasn’t even tried to apologize.

I think I can do better, and I’m going to look for better. For someone who is kind and romantic, and probably a little dorky, and sweet. Heck, A said it himself; I got a self-confidence boost, and I see that I can do better. …huh, that’s interesting.

However, I don’t think my new love will be found on OKCupid, because I either get messages like this: ‘hey sexy i like ur pic’, or messages that just say ‘hi’, or if the message is somewhat decent, then the person is…lacking? Maybe I’m too picky, but I think I’m one of those people who would rather be single than be with someone just for the sake of being with them. …maybe I should have figured that out earlier.

 

On an unrelated note, I was trying to get Amazon to fix my Kindle, and while they do have help available, they need to tell their phone consultants to slow. down. Both of the people I spoke to had thick accents, and they spoke very quickly. The end result was me not understanding a word they said. See, I think it’s inconsiderate, especially when you’re on the phone, to just sort of go on. It may be because I always talk fast, and it takes considerable effort on my part to speak at a speed that other people understand. So when other people do it, it irks me. However…MY KINDLE IS FIXED! YAY! At least I have my Kindle, because I still don’t have my laptop. Rawr. Staples still has it, and they told me it would be done in a week. Uh, no. It’s been at least two weeks, and this is after they ‘fixed’ it the first time. And their customer service is terrible. I am never going there again. BOO STAPLES. I should get my money back. And if the laptop breaks again, they are giving me some money for a new one, because I sure as hell am not buying it there.

I did order some skirts today, I can’t wait until they come. I have no skirts, and soon it will be spring for real, and I am so sick of pants. Hopefully they will be flattering. If not, I will have to give up on eloquii. (The Limited’s plus size clothing line, JSYK.) I can still wear them for a while, but I did lose a little more weight, so yay! I haven’t been to the gym this week, but that’s because I sound like a cross between a creaking porch and machine gunfire. Maybe I can go tomorrow? I hope so. I wanted to go to a water workout class today, but noooo. Oh well.

I’m in such a good space now, it’s sort of strange. I like the sun on my face, I like waking up. I feel, for the first time in a very long time, that I have a real chance. A real shot. Hope is such a fragile thing, I don’t dare hold onto it, but still, I can’t bear to let it go. Not you.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

A Working Experience

I had a gig yesterday, which made me feel all productive and everything. Granted , it wasn’t the most intellectually stimulating work (filling out forms and making out guest lists and online forms and credit card numbers) but I can’t complain too much. Except I can, because geez Louise.

I was working for my aunt and one of her friends, but there were other people present. My aunt happens to be blind, but she’s more capable than some people who aren’t handicapped, and only asks for help if she really needs it, or if it is openly offered. Her guests however, are not, and seem content to stay that way, which I don’t understand.  Being dependent, for me, is beyond frustrating. Being able to do things for myself excites me, simply because my depression and anxiety makes it so hard for me. And these women, who are physically disabled, seem…almost content with the idea that someone else has to do things for them, and that someone else will do things for them. Rather than ask for a cup of coffee, they simply proclaim ‘I want coffee’, and then express how they would like it, simply expecting the coffee to appear to their satisfaction. It seems a little…presumptuous to me. Naturally, I don’t expect blind or very handicapped people to do something that would be very difficult for them, not when it would be easier and more efficient for someone else to do. However, that doesn’t make it all right for them to just take advantage of that fact, and a demand does that. My aunt, when asking for something, has always been polite, no matter who she was asking something of.

I wonder if this distaste I have for these presumptuous women has something to do with my distaste for myself, or well, the old me. The one who never did very much on her own, relied on others to read her mind or do the things she found difficult, who shied away for her own responsibilities and difficulties. I think that would make sense; I’m so hard on myself, I think that if I recognized something that I found unacceptable in myself, I would certainly look down or at least disapprove of the trait or behavior in someone else. It might be unfair, because they could be just as frustrated with their own limitations as I am, but all I have to judge them on is their behavior, which I don’t like.

I didn’t exercise today because A. I was tired, and B. I think I messed up my stupid bad ankle. Either that or it’s going to get colder. Or rain. Either one. Or both, it doesn’t matter. My ankle doesn’t like any change in weather. I’m still having a hard time with motivation, too. I mean, if I’m already out, then I’m like, ‘Oh, I guess I can go to the gym.’ But if I’m at home, cozy? I might as well be under house arrest, because I just huddle under the blankets or putter around the apartment because I can’t get up and go! It’s like there’s more than one me, but the one who wants to go keeps getting shut down. Like this:

Enthusiastic!Me: Oh, look, we’re awake! Let’s get up!

Drowsy!Me: …eh. Sleepy. ::proceeds to roll over::

Enthusiastic!Me: …come on, get up get up get up get UP!

Pessimistic!Me: There’s no point in doing anything. Let’s go get some ice cream from the freezer.

Drowsy!Me: Don’t wanna get up. Sleepy.

Enthusiastic!Me: …come on you guys, let’s go, we’ll feel better!

Pessimistic!Me: There’s no point. Nothing will make us feel better.

Drowsy!Me: I’m trying to sleep. Be. Quiet.

Enthusiastic!Me: Oh, I give up, you guys are impossible.

Me: ::doesn’t get out of bed::

And so on it goes. Tomorrow I have to get up, because I have a gig and I’ve already gotten paid for it. (Need to go to bed on time, self!) But the day after? I don’t have to be up until it’s time for therapy. But maybe if I don’t look at it as an obligation, but as a fun thing, maybe I can go? In any case, it’s on my schedule. In the meantime, I’ll try to control my sweet tooth. …Oooh, I’ll buy hummus with tahini. That is super yummy. And not hugely fattening. …I think I should be cooking dinner, but there isn’t anything defrosted. I should make a supper plan too. Hah. Supper. Who says supper anymore? Well, apparently I do, but still.

 

I started a piece with A as the inspiration. It’s good, I think. It’s a little racy too. Not too surprising, considering the source material. I mean, we were so sexual. Not that’s all we were, but it was a sexually charged relationship, when we weren’t pondering on the universe and all that. I mean, I don’t think I believed half of what was coming out of his mouth, but it was interesting. I think he was always gauging my reactions. I think he saw me as something of a student, someone who would think of him as worldly, that he could teach. Which is one of the things that I didn’t like as much, because it made me feel inferior, as much as it drew me in. Like I said, it was interesting. But as for what I think is becoming a short story, it’s not a direct telling of us, my stories never mimic life exactly, but he is the spark that started this little fire. So we’ll feel what happens, once I get to the end of it. Speaking of which, I’m going to go write and release more emotions! Yay for emotional catharsis!

Sincerely yours,

J.J

Frustration

I. am. FRUSTRATED.

With the way things are these days, finding employment or an internship is hard enough. There are plenty of people looking, but too many people don’t have the experience that employers want, and the people who do are probably fighting tooth and nail for a spot.

In my case, I’m so messed up I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree, and I don’t have much work experience because I have a hard time holding down a job. I called VESID, so hopefully they call me back, but it doesn’t make me less frustrated or anything.

For instance, (see, I started a new paragraph because I felt like it, even though it’s not necessary) I want to apply to Scholastic’s Editorial Summer Internship-I’ve wanted to since I learn about it, and something always gets in the way of applying. Now there’s only a month left to apply, and I would, but since I’m not enrolled anywhere, I can’t. And even if I could find somewhere in time, I can’t pay for it! So I have to give up on it. Again. In frustration, I kicked a door. It didn’t help.

This stagnation makes me feel so useless, and tired. I want to do something, but it’s like I’m not good enough to do anything. No one wants to hire me, I can’t pay for school, and I can’t even acquire work experience because there’s too much competition! All I can do is go work out, and that’s hardly something that takes up all of my time, and it doesn’t make me feel like I’m accomplishing anything because I don’t see any results!

This isn’t even a post, this is just a rant! There must be other people in this position, what are they doing?

…okay, I’m calm now, after doing more internship looking. Someone will give me a shot. The hard part is to keep going. I’m really down on myself most of the time, I can’t tell myself one positive thing some days. (My therapist says that I’m way too hard on myself. She’s probably right.) But I have such a hard time pushing pushing pushing, I’m tired.

Still peeved at A, JSYK. I mean, I know we had an open relationship. I know that. It’d be one thing if he broke up with me and he was going to continue with multiple relationships. But no. Now he’s going to be monogamous with…whoever she is. The implication being that I’m too much of a mess to be in a relationship with, much less a monogamous one. MEH. I hate making generalizations, but since I’m bitter: MEN ARE STUPID. THROW ROCKS AT THEM. …I miss him. Jerk.

On a positive note: I feel a little thinner. YAY.

And I found something that makes me feel a little better. Tea! My mother bought this new tea from Teavana, called ‘Slimful Chocolate Decadence’. Yes, there is a pun. However, the tea is also very enjoyable, and smells of chocolate. It’s supposed to up your metabolism, no word yet on if it works. I’ll keep everyone updated if I notice any difference. For people who don’t like the sound of that, there’s a Jasmine Pearl Green Tea that is very nice too, for when you have that green tea mood. Also tea doesn’t make me feel bad after I drink it, like Frappucinos do.

Okay, this has gone on long enough! I feel better, and I have apparently started product placement.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

Single Again

Well, like the title says. I am a single girl once again, for sure this time. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t cry. At least I managed to save the sobbing for when we hung up. (I still cried talking to him, and now that I reflect on it I feel embarrassed that I let him hear me crying.) It hurt. Partly because A was very nice about it. Let’s stay friends, I hope for the best for you, all that jazz. It would be easier if he was all ‘Bitch, I want nothing to do with you.’ But no, he’s all, I still care, call me if you want to hang out, and all that.

But part of me is rather suspicious of him. He’s been getting distant for a while, and he’s talking about moving with a guy I…have very little comfort around, and apparently there’s a lady he wants to be (gasp) monogamous with. It’s pretty convenient that now I’m too messed up to fit into his life. He’s going to settle up, and I’m just excess baggage. So maybe he’s just pretending, and he’ll be glad never to hear from me again. He said that he’d like to hear about my process, and vice versa, but he’s probably bullshitting me, and I don’t think that’s my natural suspicion talking.

So now I guess it’s time to go through the breakup stages. I got the sobbing out of the way, but now I have to hide everything of his that I have in a box until I decide what I want to do with it. I mean, it’s not much, it’s just a shirt of his (that I really like wearing, damn it), some books, and some jewelry. I think that’s it. Months of our lives and all the tangible evidence of it can be closed up in a shoebox. That’s sad.

But it’s a new day now. It’s a beautiful day, actually, and while it still hurts, and I don’t want to see him for a good long while, I think I’m going to be okay. I mean, it hasn’t even been twenty four hours, so maybe it’s early to say that, but I don’t think I’m going to break down again. I do feel a little worthless, I do feel like I’m such a mess I can’t keep a lover, but if I think about it, this wasn’t just about me.Maybe I wasn’t everything that A wanted, but he isn’t everything that I wanted either. I think we were too different, in the end, and it was too much about the sex. I want someone who is a little gentler, who doesn’t feel the need to teach all the time, who makes more time for me, who isn’t shopping for another lover while I’m still around, who doesn’t expect me to change on his terms and not mine.

It’s true I have a lot of things to work on, and that I have issues and triggers; I’m a little bit of a mess. But the more I talk to people, the more I realize everyone is a little bit of a mess, so it’s not as if I’m some poorly adjusted freak. But I also think it was a little too easy for A to rid himself of me, as if he never really cared at all, like he was dropping off a heavy weight.

So I’m going to change for myself, and not for anyone else, period. Then I’m going to find someone who loves me just the way I am, and who I love just the way they are. Not that we won’t have little habits that might drive the other one a little crazy sometimes, but the romantic in me is seeking someone who wants to spend a lot of time with me, who wants to hold my hand on the couch, who will take me out sometimes, and who will be happy to cook side by side with me. They’ll probably be a little dorky, like me, and sweet, and maybe a little awkward. If they’re a man, they’ll probably be tall. I’ve always liked tall men, especially ones with nice hands. If they’re a woman, I won’t really care how tall she is as long as she doesn’t look like she’s twelve.

I guess I have to try not to wallow in my doubts or in my pain. Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be too. I can’t wallow anymore. It doesn’t do me any good. I will feel how I’m feeling, and I won’t bury it, but I’m going to seek out new things. I can’t wait to see what they are.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

Entering No Man’s Land

Well, it’s into Thursday evening and A hasn’t called. Maybe it hasn’t been that long since what I’ve dubbed ‘The Broken Morning’, but if he wanted to talk to me I assume he would have done so by now. And as steamed as I am, I still wish he would call. Even if it’s just to say ‘I want my stuff back’. …actually, no. If he calls me to say that he wants his books and his little suitcase and whatever else I’ll tell him he can pick them off the front lawn before the garbage men come and toss it all. Even if he was angry, even if he was tired of me, what he did was cruel. I don’t deserve that. I’ve tried to be a better person, I’m trying to grow, and I’ve given him a lot. I don’t deserve to be tossed aside like that, with hardly a word.

Ironically, it’s partly because of him that I can say that I’m worth more than some one night stand. We were involved, my heart was involved, I deserve more than ‘Here’s your stuff, now get out, I don’t want you anymore.’ If it’s that easy to discard me, than he never really loved me in the first place, did he?

I guess I’m still romantic at heart. I know romance doesn’t work the way it does in movies, ending perfectly or anything like that. Love is messy! The movies leave out the stupid little fights and the insecurities and the little moments unless it makes for good drama. Actually, if you think about it, the movies are about the romance. Not the love. Romance certainly has its place, and it bolsters the relationship, I think, but the love is really what you’re going for, right? For the mornings when you wake up next to each other and smile and spend a few minutes longer in bed so you can feel each other’s warmth, for when you know you can count on each other no matter what, when you have private jokes and support and sitting in the dark with them just might be better than being with anyone else.

Maybe this’ll be a chance for another start. Maybe that’s all life is, beginnings and endings and starting over when you have to.

I still don’t want to. But I can’t cling to him either, and I’m still angry, so…really, I’m just walking forward with backward glances.

How do other people let go?

I only know where I’ve been

I’m so full of everything right now that I think I might pop. Like a pimple. Gross. Moving on.

Let’s see. Well, I skipped my support group again, because I thought I’d get triggered because of my mood, and drowned in chocolate. Because that is so healthy and good for my waistline. Whatever, back on healthy food tomorrow. Might go to the gym. If I feel like it. I probably won’t. I would take photos of myself naked for motivation, but I’ve tried that. (Word to the wise: Unless you have very few issues with your body, don’t do it, especially for motivation. All I did was pick myself apart and eat chocolate and cry.) Crap, I have to go to the gym tomorrow, even if I don’t want to, I can’t go on Thursday. In the words of my coarser self: BALLS.

But let’s get to the meat of it, shall we?

I went to A’s place on Monday, because HEAVEN FORBID we go OUT for our belated Valentine’s Day. (Did you see those capitals? Those were crucial to making my point.) He was very sweet and attentive, though he did essentially refuse to go get frozen hot chocolate with me. He didn’t get me a card or a gift, so I guess he was trying to make up for it with his behavior. I still felt neglected, because I gave him cologne, sex coupons, and a Chewbacca bobblehead. (Did I mention the Chewbacca bobblehead? It’s so cute.)

Oh, wait, and we were drinking, because he’s converting to Islam (I don’t know what’s going on with that, but religion is pretty low on my list of priorities, so I don’t care so much) and Muslims don’t drink. He’s a recovering alcoholic, and we’re drinking. He’s not going crazy, I think, but I still thought it was a bad idea, yet I said some bull about respecting his judgment. Right, lying is so healthy for a relationship.

But we had a nice time, at least until it was time to go to sleep.

I’m trying to fall asleep, because I’m tired, when A brings up me trying to apply for disability again, which I don’t want to do, but apparently I lack the ability to tell him that, so he thinks that I’m just trying to stay in my bubble, rather than preferring not to take public assistance because I feel it has a stigma I would struggle with subconsciously. In any case, I have no idea why he wanted to talk about it right then. Especially since he’s the one who gets annoyed when I start talking when it’s bedtime.

So I don’t say anything, I thought he went to sleep, and I lay there. I went from thinking that I didn’t like his idea to thinking that he was frustrated with me, that he doesn’t think I’m changing fast enough, that I just want to hide from the world forever. I get so stressed out, I revert to my old stress coping mechanism of nipping at my skin. (This says something, considering I haven’t done it in about two years. I didn’t think I’d do it again. I thought it was past that.) Then he asked what I was doing, After refusing to answer about three times,  he kept on pushing. and I finally told him, hoping he would just drop it or comfort me. But oh no. He got out of bed, made me a bed on the couch, told me he ‘couldn’t do this, I have work in the morning’, and proceeded to kick me out of bed. It was this that made me start crying, which I proceeded to do on the couch for an hour and a half while he just slept.

Then he woke me up at seven thirty, barely spoke to me, gave me some toast, gave back my toothbrush (the only thing I have in his apartment), and said nothing when I got up and let myself out. I went home and proceeded to pass out on my bed.

So now it’s almost midnight, and I think I’m not doing another crying jag. Because, guess what? I’m PISSED OFF.

1. No Valentine’s gift, when he said that he bought one. So, therein lies a…a lie. That doesn’t really work, does it?

2. What the in the hell? Maybe I’m completely out of line, maybe I shouldn’t expect him to coddle me when he has to be up in a few hours, but I can’t see doing to someone what he did to me. He made me feel weak and neglected and unwanted and like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. He made me feel like I wanted to hurt myself physically so I wouldn’t feel how much I hurt inside. He made me feel like everything between us wasn’t real, as if my feelings were nothing but an annoyance. So now I am very angry.

Part of me feels like saying the hell with him, deleting him from my phone, and doing out for a rebound. But I don’t want to do that, because when we’re good, we’re good, and I love him. But I can’t do these swings, they’re exhausting. So maybe I should say this:

1. Do not ever pull that crap again, I don’t care how tired you are, that was BULLSHIT. I am going to change on my terms, in my way, and not yours. When I want life advice I will ask for it, and stop alternating between thinking nothing of me and thinking I can take on the world. Stop it.

2. You made me feel like crap, and right now I don’t think I even want to look at you. Apologize and give me some space.

Because I think that’s how I feel right now. I do love him. But if he’s going to make me feel like this, then why would I stay with home? I should hit the gym, eat right, fix up my psyche, try for VESID and maybe then I can finish school, and then maybe I won’t break into tears at midnight. But even if I do, I thought part of being bonded with someone meant dealing with things like that. If it was the other way around, I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing the person I loved was that upset. Then again, I probably wouldn’t be pushing something I knew they weren’t comfortable with unless I had to. So maybe he doesn’t even care about me, or want me around. So after a few days, I may write all of this down again and send it to him. I’m much better on paper than in person.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

A Lonely Valentine’s Day

 

Well, well, well. I finally have a lover when Valentine’s Day comes around, and am I going on a date tonight? Nope. Did I get a present? From my mother. (Which was very sweet, but come on. A valentine’s gift from a parent when you have a lover is sad on so many levels.)

But A is too goddamn busy to do Valentine’s Day with me, so we’re doing it on Monday. Does he send me a little e-mail or a text? Nope.

Now, I know this holiday is commercial, and made to sell chocolates and flowers and the idea that your life somehow has more value if you’ve got a date on this particular day. (To all the single people out there, it’s not true. Don’t feel bad. I’ve been there with you. Eat a little chocolate, do something nice for yourself, and give some chocolates to the people you care for.)

But the romantic in me feels like we could take a moment to share the fact that we’re lovers. I mean, I guess technically we’re doing it, just a week later, but he’s so busy that he can’t even make time to see me this week? I am going to see him, but it’s just because we’re going to the same social event, and not because he’s making time for me. Is there another lover on the horizon? I mean, according to the terms of our relationship, it’s completely possible, but I don’t want to think that he’ll do that while we’re not quite on solid ground. It makes me feel as if he doesn’t long to be with me the way I long to be with him. It’s true that we both like our space, but I don’t like our ‘once a week’ policy. But maybe I’m just forcing things, and if he doesn’t want more time with me, then maybe I can take the time I need to learn the art of letting go.

Letting go is hard. I hold onto my emotions, whatever they may be. I’m sure other people do too. I’m trying to let go of my anger and frustration, because I think that they’re only poisoning my psyche. But what about this love? If we have to part, love isn’t going to fizzle out like a dying firework. It’s going to linger and weigh me down.

What am I doing? I was the one who didn’t want a expiration date on our relationship and now I’m acting like we’re already dead in the water. Maybe I should just breathe, and go on as far as we can go.

—————–

In other news, ‘Be Good to Myself’ day has cancelled in honor of an evening entitled ‘Eat Chocolate and Work on My Novel’.

Well, actually, I’ve eaten some applesauce, six Hershey’s Kissses, and a Lean Cuisine pizza. And some orange juice. Not so terrible. But I also have a chocolate mousse cake for after dinner. A petite cake, just the right size for one. Mmm. Despite the fact that I’m not being so ‘good’ to myself today, I feel all right, and I’m making it up tomorrow, there’s some swimming thing at the gym I’m going to do. And I get the feeling that there’s something else I’m supposed to be doing, but I can’t remember it now. (Don’t you hate that.)

I’m starting to think everyone is right, though. Going things makes me feel better, less stagnant. Speaking of which, I should go look for jobs again!

Sincerely yours

J.J

 

 

 

 

Distant and Traveling

Well, haven’t I had a splendid few days. If you can’t tell, I am being so sarcastic that my words have a high pH level. (Hah, I made a science joke.)

I had a serious pregnancy scare. I don’t know if I convinced myself I was pregnant due to the fatigue, the headaches, the nausea, and the possibility of missing a pill or what, but I was convinced until I saw that one little pink line. I was both relived and disappointed. I do very much want to be a mother, but the timing wouldn’t have been ideal. Or even good.

I decided to talk to A about it, which brought up my feelings about how he feels our relationship has an expiration date. (Did I mention that before?) In any case, I said it was good that I wasn’t pregnant because if we were just going to break up, a child would just make things more complicated, and since he has significantly more income than I do, there’s a good chance that he’d end up with the kid. Also, I have no desire to be anyone’s baby mama. I want my children to be planned, wanted, anticipated, and loved.

A says that he’s pro choice in general, but if he got someone pregnant that he would want the child, no matter what. He’d respect the mother’s choice, but he’d want that child when it was born. I’m not sure what I would have done, but I don’t know if I could have a baby with someone who expects to live me.

Then we went to a meeting. Al-Anon. I didn’t exactly enjoy it, but I’ll try it again, without him, since I can’t talk about him with him in the room. I’ll find a meeting of my own. I’m going to be doing a lot of that now, because now A wants distance and space. I’ll give him so much space he’ll think I moved to Alpha Centauri.

I think he thinks I’m getting too emotionally dependent on him. It’s possible that he’s right. I don’t really have too many friends, so I talk to him about a lot of things. It doesn’t change the fact that when he told me that we should put some distance between us and went to sleep, and immediately there was a shatterproof wall between us, I started crying and didn’t stop for an hour. I got out of bed, and he didn’t follow me, and I think he was awake. Did he just listen to me cry? Did he heard me sob and write him a whole letter telling him goodbye because I couldn’t stand that wall and tear it up because I couldn’t bear leaving him?

He asked me what was wrong. I tried to tell him, and I don’t think he cared. Which isn’t like him.  But he embraced me, and I thought we would just cuddle and go to sleep together. But no. He wants me to perform oral sex on him. Am I in the mood? Hell. No. I was tired, I was emotionally exhausted, and apparently he thought I was completely okay. I did it, I felt cheap, I felt used, and I did it anyway because he wanted me to, with hardly any reciprocation. (I unfortunately had some physical reaction, when mentally I was so far from wanting sex I could have been asexual.)

Then he got up in the morning, mumbled ‘have a good day’ at me, and left. I managed to get myself out of his apartment. I took a cinnamon bun, which I think he bought for me to eat anyway, so I don’t care. (Much.) But then I was so stressed I couldn’t manage my time and then I ended up being terribly late (I actually said that. Terribly late. I’m such a dork), and had to reschedule my gym orientation. But I did get a workout in, then went home and sent out some applications, so at least this hasn’t prevented me from doing what I need to do. I’m worried that it might because I feel cut off, but I’m just going to have to seek out support and not worry that I’m not good enough to be a support for A. I just have to worry about myself, and he can worry about himself, like he said.

I say that like it’s so easy, but I still feel like crying. But I’m not calling him. I’m just going to take care of myself as best as I can.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

Esteem, Self or Otherwise

Being directionless as I am right now, I’m actually in a prime position for self reflection. It’s a little sad, actually, because as I dig deeper I realize that I have little respect or love for myself, and I probably project that in my interactions with other people.

What I mean is that my self esteem is taking a hit. Really, it’s more like a barrage of hits. It’s almost impossible to get through the day without hearing the little voice in my head that tells me that I’m fat or useless or pathetic or a waste of potential. I know that what the little voice saying isn’t true, or not true in the way that I’m understanding it. I could stand to lose some weight, and that is true. However, I’m not so obese that I’m unable to walk and have to scoot around on a Rascal. (No offense to anyone who is that heavy, I’m just trying to have my self esteem based on something realistic.) And while I have a less than healthy relationship with food, I do have some level of self control.

As for being useless or pathetic or a waste, well, maybe I’m not where I would like to be. But I think I have to start giving myself credit for things, rather than just focusing on everything that I don’t like. (Everyone else who doesn’t give themselves a break, I think we should give ourselves credit for one good thing a day.) I think the thing I’ll give myself credit for today is the fact that I went to the dentist, had no cavities, and kept myself from getting a Frappucino as a reward. I was proud of myself. I did something good for myself.

I’m going to do that, I think. Try to do one thing I can take pride in every day. It doesn’t have to be just one thing, but I’m going to try for at least one, and try to make them into habits. Like:

1. Stop emotional eating/using food as a reward. (Maybe I’ll try Overeaters Anonymous.)

2. Stop being so hard on myself, calling myself names, listing to the little voice.

3. Go to the gym. It makes me feel better, and it’s better for me.

4. Try to celebrate my life and be nice to myself in a healthy way. I think everyone should do that. I’ll start one. Everyone who is reading this: You have worth as a person.

______________________________________

 

Now, onto a related subject. I want to lose weight. I know, I know, so does everyone. But I’m serious about it, and I want to try not to get discouraged. So I’m not going to expect to lose all the weight I want to drop in three months or something equally unrealistic. I’m thinking about trying Weight Watchers, but I think what I’m going to do is…

GET. OFF. MY. LUSCIOUS. BOTTOM.

Yes, I did just refer to my bottom as luscious, like a ripe peach. But unfortunately, most of my favorite activities (reading, writing, surfing the net, playing video games) involve sitting on said luscious bottom for hours at a time. So now I am going to get off it. I find that I like to swim, and to dance, so I’m going to look for something that fits that. My gym has a pool (a big reason why I joined) and there are classes and free swim, and there are Zumba classes too. I’m really optimistic; what I’m worried about is when I don’t see a difference, when I get frustrated, when I’m tired. But I’m still going to try. I can’t ever expect to get anywhere if I don’t try, right?

I think, whenever I reach for food for comfort, I’m going to think about how it’ll make me feel later.  (That’s why I want to try OA. I’d like support for when I’m not feeling so good about myself.) I have to get over having to ask for help. There’s no shame in it. I have remind myself of that. Everyone needs help sometimes.

Sincerely yours,

J.J