Single Again

27 02 2012

Well, like the title says. I am a single girl once again, for sure this time. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t cry. At least I managed to save the sobbing for when we hung up. (I still cried talking to him, and now that I reflect on it I feel embarrassed that I let him hear me crying.) It hurt. Partly because A was very nice about it. Let’s stay friends, I hope for the best for you, all that jazz. It would be easier if he was all ‘Bitch, I want nothing to do with you.’ But no, he’s all, I still care, call me if you want to hang out, and all that.

But part of me is rather suspicious of him. He’s been getting distant for a while, and he’s talking about moving with a guy I…have very little comfort around, and apparently there’s a lady he wants to be (gasp) monogamous with. It’s pretty convenient that now I’m too messed up to fit into his life. He’s going to settle up, and I’m just excess baggage. So maybe he’s just pretending, and he’ll be glad never to hear from me again. He said that he’d like to hear about my process, and vice versa, but he’s probably bullshitting me, and I don’t think that’s my natural suspicion talking.

So now I guess it’s time to go through the breakup stages. I got the sobbing out of the way, but now I have to hide everything of his that I have in a box until I decide what I want to do with it. I mean, it’s not much, it’s just a shirt of his (that I really like wearing, damn it), some books, and some jewelry. I think that’s it. Months of our lives and all the tangible evidence of it can be closed up in a shoebox. That’s sad.

But it’s a new day now. It’s a beautiful day, actually, and while it still hurts, and I don’t want to see him for a good long while, I think I’m going to be okay. I mean, it hasn’t even been twenty four hours, so maybe it’s early to say that, but I don’t think I’m going to break down again. I do feel a little worthless, I do feel like I’m such a mess I can’t keep a lover, but if I think about it, this wasn’t just about me.Maybe I wasn’t everything that A wanted, but he isn’t everything that I wanted either. I think we were too different, in the end, and it was too much about the sex. I want someone who is a little gentler, who doesn’t feel the need to teach all the time, who makes more time for me, who isn’t shopping for another lover while I’m still around, who doesn’t expect me to change on his terms and not mine.

It’s true I have a lot of things to work on, and that I have issues and triggers; I’m a little bit of a mess. But the more I talk to people, the more I realize everyone is a little bit of a mess, so it’s not as if I’m some poorly adjusted freak. But I also think it was a little too easy for A to rid himself of me, as if he never really cared at all, like he was dropping off a heavy weight.

So I’m going to change for myself, and not for anyone else, period. Then I’m going to find someone who loves me just the way I am, and who I love just the way they are. Not that we won’t have little habits that might drive the other one a little crazy sometimes, but the romantic in me is seeking someone who wants to spend a lot of time with me, who wants to hold my hand on the couch, who will take me out sometimes, and who will be happy to cook side by side with me. They’ll probably be a little dorky, like me, and sweet, and maybe a little awkward. If they’re a man, they’ll probably be tall. I’ve always liked tall men, especially ones with nice hands. If they’re a woman, I won’t really care how tall she is as long as she doesn’t look like she’s twelve.

I guess I have to try not to wallow in my doubts or in my pain. Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be too. I can’t wallow anymore. It doesn’t do me any good. I will feel how I’m feeling, and I won’t bury it, but I’m going to seek out new things. I can’t wait to see what they are.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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