Entering No Man’s Land

23 02 2012

Well, it’s into Thursday evening and A hasn’t called. Maybe it hasn’t been that long since what I’ve dubbed ‘The Broken Morning’, but if he wanted to talk to me I assume he would have done so by now. And as steamed as I am, I still wish he would call. Even if it’s just to say ‘I want my stuff back’. …actually, no. If he calls me to say that he wants his books and his little suitcase and whatever else I’ll tell him he can pick them off the front lawn before the garbage men come and toss it all. Even if he was angry, even if he was tired of me, what he did was cruel. I don’t deserve that. I’ve tried to be a better person, I’m trying to grow, and I’ve given him a lot. I don’t deserve to be tossed aside like that, with hardly a word.

Ironically, it’s partly because of him that I can say that I’m worth more than some one night stand. We were involved, my heart was involved, I deserve more than ‘Here’s your stuff, now get out, I don’t want you anymore.’ If it’s that easy to discard me, than he never really loved me in the first place, did he?

I guess I’m still romantic at heart. I know romance doesn’t work the way it does in movies, ending perfectly or anything like that. Love is messy! The movies leave out the stupid little fights and the insecurities and the little moments unless it makes for good drama. Actually, if you think about it, the movies are about the romance. Not the love. Romance certainly has its place, and it bolsters the relationship, I think, but the love is really what you’re going for, right? For the mornings when you wake up next to each other and smile and spend a few minutes longer in bed so you can feel each other’s warmth, for when you know you can count on each other no matter what, when you have private jokes and support and sitting in the dark with them just might be better than being with anyone else.

Maybe this’ll be a chance for another start. Maybe that’s all life is, beginnings and endings and starting over when you have to.

I still don’t want to. But I can’t cling to him either, and I’m still angry, so…really, I’m just walking forward with backward glances.

How do other people let go?




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