A Lonely Valentine’s Day

14 02 2012


Well, well, well. I finally have a lover when Valentine’s Day comes around, and am I going on a date tonight? Nope. Did I get a present? From my mother. (Which was very sweet, but come on. A valentine’s gift from a parent when you have a lover is sad on so many levels.)

But A is too goddamn busy to do Valentine’s Day with me, so we’re doing it on Monday. Does he send me a little e-mail or a text? Nope.

Now, I know this holiday is commercial, and made to sell chocolates and flowers and the idea that your life somehow has more value if you’ve got a date on this particular day. (To all the single people out there, it’s not true. Don’t feel bad. I’ve been there with you. Eat a little chocolate, do something nice for yourself, and give some chocolates to the people you care for.)

But the romantic in me feels like we could take a moment to share the fact that we’re lovers. I mean, I guess technically we’re doing it, just a week later, but he’s so busy that he can’t even make time to see me this week? I am going to see him, but it’s just because we’re going to the same social event, and not because he’s making time for me. Is there another lover on the horizon? I mean, according to the terms of our relationship, it’s completely possible, but I don’t want to think that he’ll do that while we’re not quite on solid ground. It makes me feel as if he doesn’t long to be with me the way I long to be with him. It’s true that we both like our space, but I don’t like our ‘once a week’ policy. But maybe I’m just forcing things, and if he doesn’t want more time with me, then maybe I can take the time I need to learn the art of letting go.

Letting go is hard. I hold onto my emotions, whatever they may be. I’m sure other people do too. I’m trying to let go of my anger and frustration, because I think that they’re only poisoning my psyche. But what about this love? If we have to part, love isn’t going to fizzle out like a dying firework. It’s going to linger and weigh me down.

What am I doing? I was the one who didn’t want a expiration date on our relationship and now I’m acting like we’re already dead in the water. Maybe I should just breathe, and go on as far as we can go.


In other news, ‘Be Good to Myself’ day has cancelled in honor of an evening entitled ‘Eat Chocolate and Work on My Novel’.

Well, actually, I’ve eaten some applesauce, six Hershey’s Kissses, and a Lean Cuisine pizza. And some orange juice. Not so terrible. But I also have a chocolate mousse cake for after dinner. A petite cake, just the right size for one. Mmm. Despite the fact that I’m not being so ‘good’ to myself today, I feel all right, and I’m making it up tomorrow, there’s some swimming thing at the gym I’m going to do. And I get the feeling that there’s something else I’m supposed to be doing, but I can’t remember it now. (Don’t you hate that.)

I’m starting to think everyone is right, though. Going things makes me feel better, less stagnant. Speaking of which, I should go look for jobs again!

Sincerely yours









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