Esteem, Self or Otherwise

25 01 2012

Being directionless as I am right now, I’m actually in a prime position for self reflection. It’s a little sad, actually, because as I dig deeper I realize that I have little respect or love for myself, and I probably project that in my interactions with other people.

What I mean is that my self esteem is taking a hit. Really, it’s more like a barrage of hits. It’s almost impossible to get through the day without hearing the little voice in my head that tells me that I’m fat or useless or pathetic or a waste of potential. I know that what the little voice saying isn’t true, or not true in the way that I’m understanding it. I could stand to lose some weight, and that is true. However, I’m not so obese that I’m unable to walk and have to scoot around on a Rascal. (No offense to anyone who is that heavy, I’m just trying to have my self esteem based on something realistic.) And while I have a less than healthy relationship with food, I do have some level of self control.

As for being useless or pathetic or a waste, well, maybe I’m not where I would like to be. But I think I have to start giving myself credit for things, rather than just focusing on everything that I don’t like. (Everyone else who doesn’t give themselves a break, I think we should give ourselves credit for one good thing a day.) I think the thing I’ll give myself credit for today is the fact that I went to the dentist, had no cavities, and kept myself from getting a Frappucino as a reward. I was proud of myself. I did something good for myself.

I’m going to do that, I think. Try to do one thing I can take pride in every day. It doesn’t have to be just one thing, but I’m going to try for at least one, and try to make them into habits. Like:

1. Stop emotional eating/using food as a reward. (Maybe I’ll try Overeaters Anonymous.)

2. Stop being so hard on myself, calling myself names, listing to the little voice.

3. Go to the gym. It makes me feel better, and it’s better for me.

4. Try to celebrate my life and be nice to myself in a healthy way. I think everyone should do that. I’ll start one. Everyone who is reading this: You have worth as a person.

______________________________________

 

Now, onto a related subject. I want to lose weight. I know, I know, so does everyone. But I’m serious about it, and I want to try not to get discouraged. So I’m not going to expect to lose all the weight I want to drop in three months or something equally unrealistic. I’m thinking about trying Weight Watchers, but I think what I’m going to do is…

GET. OFF. MY. LUSCIOUS. BOTTOM.

Yes, I did just refer to my bottom as luscious, like a ripe peach. But unfortunately, most of my favorite activities (reading, writing, surfing the net, playing video games) involve sitting on said luscious bottom for hours at a time. So now I am going to get off it. I find that I like to swim, and to dance, so I’m going to look for something that fits that. My gym has a pool (a big reason why I joined) and there are classes and free swim, and there are Zumba classes too. I’m really optimistic; what I’m worried about is when I don’t see a difference, when I get frustrated, when I’m tired. But I’m still going to try. I can’t ever expect to get anywhere if I don’t try, right?

I think, whenever I reach for food for comfort, I’m going to think about how it’ll make me feel later.  (That’s why I want to try OA. I’d like support for when I’m not feeling so good about myself.) I have to get over having to ask for help. There’s no shame in it. I have remind myself of that. Everyone needs help sometimes.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

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