It’s Been A While…and Funerals Are Terrible

4 07 2012

I know I have a tendency to vanish sometimes, and lately is no exception. Sorry about that, my humble seven followers and anyone who wanders across this. Also, I’m talking about religion and my feelings here, so heads up anyone who might be offended.

I’m glad this blog is anonymous, because what I’m about to say is probably extremely offensive to many people that I know, and if any of them come across this and know who I am, then I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way, but I have to say this somewhere that isn’t my therapist’s office.

I think I am very sad, and grieve in my own way. That being said…I HATED my godmother’s funeral. I understand that everyone deals with death in their own way, and that people who are quite religious find comfort in God. But I can’t understand that. At all. Prayers asking for God’s mercy instead of sharing stories and our love for the departed? No thank you. I was at both services, which I thought was a good idea if people couldn’t make one or the other, and for two and a half hours there was no participation, other than reciting the Lord’s Prayer and crossing ourselves. (I recited the prayer, I did not cross myself. One, watching the rest of the room doing it? Creepy. Two? I’m not Christian, so even saying the Lord’s Prayer is essentially a lie on my part.)

I suppose it was good for the family, who are religious, to think that she’s in Heaven, but I always feel like it’s a form of deception. No one knows what happens after you die; people think they know, people believe in different things, but no one knows, and anyone who says that they do is most likely either a. lying, or b. somewhat deluded.

All right, I’m done talking about that. Apparently (according to my therapist, anyway) I’m focusing on the religious issues because then I don’t have to focus on my grief. Maybe it’s true. Still done talking about it.

…except for this bit. I think I’m taking my feelings out on my self control, I’ve had a Frappuccino every day for the last week or so. A light Frappuccino, but still, goddamn. I don’t feel fatter, but that can’t be good for me. And I’ve been going over my points every day, chipping at my weekly points and trying to work out more to┬ácompensate, but I think I’m still eating emotionally. I’m trying to eat watermelon instead, because (obviously) it’s mostly water. But still, I’m trying not to do that. I guess it’s just easier to eat my emotions than to deal with them.

 

On another note, I might get some money to go to school again in the fall. Fingers crossed, everyone! I’ll go part time, I might get my degree after all! I’ll be hoping that I get a good shot at it. And that I get in, thank God (ha ha) for rolling admissions.

 

All right, I’m going to get a little more exercise in before I have to have a shower because we’re going to ride some rides before the fireworks. Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks! (Anyone ever watch Serendipity The Pink Dragon as a kid? Remember the little green coconut guys running around? No? Just me?)

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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