16 12 2012

 

I am frustrated. Again.

After doing some reading online, I have learned (apparently) that the reason that I don’t do well with romantic relationships is because I give into sex too easily and I’m too needy and too distant at the same time.

1. What year is this? I know women are more hard wired to make emotional connections after sex, but am I not supposed to want to have sex early on? Maybe not. Maybe I should give it a shot. No sex until there’s an emotional connection. …which at the rate I emotionally connect with people means I’ll probably have sex two years from now, if I meet someone next week.

2. I’m too needy. I know that. Probably because between the anxiety issues, the intimacy issues, and the depression, I either don’t connect at all or I connect too quickly. So, I have to find other fulfilling things. …I’m in trouble. No sex and I have to feel fulfilled. Not that sex makes me feel fulfilled. …I’m really in trouble.

3. Of course I’m too distant, I have trust issues! A lot of trust issues! And I’m introverted and antisocial and I hardly like anyone and…I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?

I think this is just me still feeling rejected. I’ve felt like crying for two days and I haven’t done it yet, and I’m just…I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have a lot of emotional support. Well, I don’t have many friends…I have two friends, and one’s in California and the other’s emotional support for like twenty people. I have my mother, but that’s too complicated and I have to hide things from her, so that’s no good.

Oh, wait, I have a therapist! I should make a list of things to take to her to talk about, but forty five minutes a week just isn’t cutting it, especially when I have to miss a lot because of work. And I can’t afford two sessions a week. And yet I keep saying I’m okay. …maybe I should go back to my support group. But I wasn’t really comfortable there. There must be another. But I don’t know if I want to walk into another room of strangers that don’t care about me and talk about my rage and my disappointments and my frustrations and my sadness and then walk away alone again. For all my introversion and my aversion to people, I am very lonely. I want to believe that life is beautiful and that I’m worth something, but I don’t. There are beautiful moments in life, and I believe that. But they are so few and far between, and the rest is so boring and empty and painful, and I don’t know why I continue to slog through it. As for me…I might have been worth something once, but I don’t think I am.

Big C says that value doesn’t really mean anything-he’s right, something like gold only has value because we say so, it’s just a shiny rock-but value is something that people seem to agree on, because one person started it. And for anyone to think that I’m valuable and worth keeping and caring for, I have to believe that first. But I don’t! I can say that I do a million times, but deep down I don’t! Deep down I’m still the child who feels lonely and dirty and self loathing, who wishes she could disappear, or turn into someone else. Someone else who is happy, who shines, who doesn’t still sometimes want to destroy themselves because they can’t bear the loneliness and pain.

I want to tell that little girl that everything is all right. But I don’t want to lie to her, and I don’t know that everything is going to be all right. She thought that if it ended, she would be all right. She didn’t know that even if it ended, she wouldn’t feel any better. The damage was done.

The damage is the worst part. You think, ‘I’m damaged goods, so no one’s going to take me when there’s plenty of fruit out there with no bruises.’ And the cracks make you aware of even the tiniest bit of pressure because you’re so much easier to break. And criticism  You can’t take criticism. You can’t, because it means someone saw, that they know you’re no good!

And even if someone likes you, you can’t get that right, you cling because you need them to stay, and if they leave you it means that you were never any good after all, and they’re just one more mark on you.

I hate how we have a number, and for women it’s a bad thing. I don’t know my number, I don’t trust my memory to give me a complete list, so if someone asks I either tell them it’s none of their business or I make something up.

I also don’t know when I lost my virginity. I have no clue. Big C said to just pick a date, like a birthday for a pet. I picked one to make it seem like the idea made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It just makes me feel contaminated, like anyone can just get into my body and do what they want with it.

…you know, I’m not a bad person. I mean, I’m not perfect. But I’m decent, maybe even a good person on some days. I don’t try to hurt anyone, I try to be nice, I sometimes give to charity even though I avoid bums on the subway. But it doesn’t matter, because even though I’m not bad I’m not good.

No one’s ever going to take me home to meet their parents or have children with me or ask me to travel the world with them. That’s not what I’m for. I’m for booty calls and late nights and distance, I’m not that kind of girl.

There won’t be a wedding for my mother to cry at. Maybe I’ll manage to get knocked up and keep the kid and try to raise the kid to have a better life than I did before chucking myself off a bridge. That’s probably the best I can hope for-I’ll do it after my mother dies so that she doesn’t have to live with the pain of losing me.

Maybe that won’t happen. Maybe I will be happy. But it doesn’t seem like it. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s never quite right. I don’t fit anywhere, I always do something wrong. I’m never happy. Even if it seems like it, it’s all fake. And I’m tired of it.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





…I Don’t Get Myself

13 12 2012

Okay, after a huge overreaction on my part on the whole jealousy thing-seriously, that was ridiculous-it turns out BB did not hook up with that girl and I’m a dork, and whatever.

Then today, we only e-mailed once, after I sent him a video of me to show him my miniskirt. (I couldn’t get a good picture.)

So now what I am thinking?

OMG HE REALIZED I’M NOT HOT HE DOESN’T LIKE ME I ALWAYS TURN PEOPLE OFF WAHHHHHH!

Of course, the logical part of me is going ‘You dork, he’s probably just busy. People get busy. You were busy today too. It happens. It probably means nothing.’

And anyway, this whole thing is.so.STUPID! I’m going to a makeout party tomorrow night, we’re 4000 miles apart, a relationship is unrealistic and romantic…and I would still do it, if I thought he would want to. But he said he didn’t want long distance. And I get it. I do. He wants a girl who lives near him, who can go out on dates, is easily reachable for sex, who isn’t across an ocean and emotionally complicated and…wahhhh. I wish he lived here so I can just get over him because his little habits annoy me and I can’t handle relationships.

And this is why he does not have the web address for this blog.

Okay, now it’s bath time. Time to relax, and maybe I’ll be calmer  tomorrow.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Getting Back on Weight Watchers

4 12 2012

First off: TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY WHOOO!

 

Oh my god I have fallen off the wagon so hard the oxen ran me over before they tried to ford the river and died. (Tee hee.)

Let’s see, I was on track today until I got out of work after getting sick. Morning was seven points, and that was okay. Then I got a Frap, only four points, so I was up to eleven, leaving me with fifteen. Then I got a ham sandwich and a cookie. The sandwich was four points, so then I was left with eleven. I have no idea how many points that cookie was, but it was gingerbread and homemade (by me), so I figured that one cookie wouldn’t hurt. Then I got some cocktail shrimp, which would have gotten me down to seven at the most.

Then I had a mini Weight Watchers Red velvet cake and a slice of pizza, which put me at zero and leaving me with whatever unknown Weekly points I have. Then I apparently lost my mind and ate four more cookies. I need to get back on Weight Watchers this second, I’m too scared to step on the scale, I feel fat! I mean, I don’t think I’ve gained ten pounds, but I am definitely back in the 160s again, and I don’t want to be.

It’s like between Thanksgiving and my account getting suspended I’ve totally lost it and my account ability. From my account. Ha ha.

And now I feel like crap, so I can’t even start working out again. But no more cookies until Christmas! …at least I’ll try.

Everyone root for me as I try to beat the holiday bulging! I wish everyone else luck too!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Here I Am, Back Again, J.J.’s Back, Tell a Friend

19 05 2012

 

Guess who’s back, guess who’s back…Okay, I’ll stop now. No more early 2000 music references. …did that song come out in the early 2000s? I don’t remember. ::goes to check:: Yes it was. Okay. Anyway.

Down fourteen pounds! WOO! And in typical American fashion, how did I celebrate?

With fried chicken, French fries, and chocolate ice cream.

But I’m back on track today. It’s eight thirty and I still have ten points. …I will probably have a frozen peach cup. (Which make good snacks, actually. Get the ones in light syrup, not the regular kind, and freeze them, and it’s a good substitute when you want something cold.)

I also started getting SELF magazine, which I like, partly for the different exercises. I tend to get stuck in exercise ruts. And there’s a recipe in this month’s issue that I want to try, with salmon. (I found out from weight watchers that wild salmon is better for your than farm raised because its muscle tone is better, that farm raised has more fat. But since wild is twice as expensive, I think I’ll be sticking with farm raised unless it’s on sale.)

And tomorrow is my first…5K! I’m actually really excited. I wanted A to come with, but due to his history with smoking he was all ‘Pass’, but I’m still going. I hope I can finish it. I mean, I can walk two miles, and I don’t have to run it, but still.

 

I can’t tell where A and I are at all. It’s like we’re heading towards each other without a sure sense of direction, or if both of us want to keep on going. Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know if I’m looking for a romantic ideal that doesn’t exist and I don’t want to settle for reality, or if I think there’s something better out there. But I think less of myself, if that’s true. I mean, you’re not supposed to be looking past your partner, just in case say, Misha Collins turns up sans his beloved wife and wants to go out. What does that say about me, if I keep an eye out for someone else while I keep my arms around him?

 

 

 





Where Have I Been

6 05 2012

Well, I lost nine pounds so far! Whee! …not that weight is super important or anything. (Yes, there is way too much emphasis on weight in this culture. I’m still happy about it.) I didn’t even realize how badly I was eating. I thought I was doing okay before I started Weight Watchers, but I really wasn’t. My fruit and vegetable intake was inadequate, too much fast food…it’s a little scary how much food you can eat on the run, how bad snacks can be for you. Now snacks are fruit or low calorie options. There are Weight Watchers popped crisps that. are. awesome! The sodium’s a little high, but at only 2 points, talk about a nice trade off. I have to make a schedule for working out, I mean, I go, but not often enough. I have to think of working out as a job, I guess!

And…A and I are back together, officially now. I think. We’re going to the movies and we’re probably going to go back to his place and have sex afterwards. I don’t think it’s necessarily a good idea, but it’s been a while, so I’m a little hungry for it. Tee hee. I’m embarrassed.

***

The movie date went well. We held hands through the whole thing. (The movie was The Perfect Family, it’s pretty good. It was made infinitely funnier by an old woman shouting ‘Jesus’ at anything remotely scandalous.

A has lost about 20 pounds. I am so envious, but he looks good! Now I’m going to try harder, because he can’t be getting slim and I stay pudgy. (Though I don’t really think of myself as pudgy, that invokes images of being small and round and pig looking.)

It’s not as if I don’t still have doubts, but I think we’re going to work on it. But I have to remember to work on myself-my weight, going back to school, everything. I won’t lose myself so much this time.

We didn’t go back to his place. I think we were both worried about getting caught up in the sex, and not each other. I think it’s good to know that we can spend time together without sex being the goal.

Sincerely yours,

J.J