Distant and Traveling

31 01 2012

Well, haven’t I had a splendid few days. If you can’t tell, I am being so sarcastic that my words have a high pH level. (Hah, I made a science joke.)

I had a serious pregnancy scare. I don’t know if I convinced myself I was pregnant due to the fatigue, the headaches, the nausea, and the possibility of missing a pill or what, but I was convinced until I saw that one little pink line. I was both relived and disappointed. I do very much want to be a mother, but the timing wouldn’t have been ideal. Or even good.

I decided to talk to A about it, which brought up my feelings about how he feels our relationship has an expiration date. (Did I mention that before?) In any case, I said it was good that I wasn’t pregnant because if we were just going to break up, a child would just make things more complicated, and since he has significantly more income than I do, there’s a good chance that he’d end up with the kid. Also, I have no desire to be anyone’s baby mama. I want my children to be planned, wanted, anticipated, and loved.

A says that he’s pro choice in general, but if he got someone pregnant that he would want the child, no matter what. He’d respect the mother’s choice, but he’d want that child when it was born. I’m not sure what I would have done, but I don’t know if I could have a baby with someone who expects to live me.

Then we went to a meeting. Al-Anon. I didn’t exactly enjoy it, but I’ll try it again, without him, since I can’t talk about him with him in the room. I’ll find a meeting of my own. I’m going to be doing a lot of that now, because now A wants distance and space. I’ll give him so much space he’ll think I moved to Alpha Centauri.

I think he thinks I’m getting too emotionally dependent on him. It’s possible that he’s right. I don’t really have too many friends, so I talk to him about a lot of things. It doesn’t change the fact that when he told me that we should put some distance between us and went to sleep, and immediately there was a shatterproof wall between us, I started crying and didn’t stop for an hour. I got out of bed, and he didn’t follow me, and I think he was awake. Did he just listen to me cry? Did he heard me sob and write him a whole letter telling him goodbye because I couldn’t stand that wall and tear it up because I couldn’t bear leaving him?

He asked me what was wrong. I tried to tell him, and I don’t think he cared. Which isn’t like him.  But he embraced me, and I thought we would just cuddle and go to sleep together. But no. He wants me to perform oral sex on him. Am I in the mood? Hell. No. I was tired, I was emotionally exhausted, and apparently he thought I was completely okay. I did it, I felt cheap, I felt used, and I did it anyway because he wanted me to, with hardly any reciprocation. (I unfortunately had some physical reaction, when mentally I was so far from wanting sex I could have been asexual.)

Then he got up in the morning, mumbled ‘have a good day’ at me, and left. I managed to get myself out of his apartment. I took a cinnamon bun, which I think he bought for me to eat anyway, so I don’t care. (Much.) But then I was so stressed I couldn’t manage my time and then I ended up being terribly late (I actually said that. Terribly late. I’m such a dork), and had to reschedule my gym orientation. But I did get a workout in, then went home and sent out some applications, so at least this hasn’t prevented me from doing what I need to do. I’m worried that it might because I feel cut off, but I’m just going to have to seek out support and not worry that I’m not good enough to be a support for A. I just have to worry about myself, and he can worry about himself, like he said.

I say that like it’s so easy, but I still feel like crying. But I’m not calling him. I’m just going to take care of myself as best as I can.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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