Hope and Disappointment

26 08 2012

Well, I might not get my money for school after all. I hate to be negative, but…really, universe? Come on, these constant setbacks are nothing but frustrating! It’s not a definite no, but I want to bury my head in my arms and cry anyway.

I said that to my therapist, who understood, but also refuses to allow me to be completely down on myself. Always try to find one person in your life who will occasionally tell you STFU when you insist on being negative.

‘My resume sucks.’

‘Bring it to me, and I’ll help you fix it.’

‘I have no skills.’

‘Yes you do.’

‘But no one wants whatever paltry skills I have.’

‘Everyone learns on the job, and you have useful skills.’

*grumblenegativemeeblemumble*

‘Stop being negative. This isn’t the end of the world. You can’t let your emotions control your actions, because you won’t get anywhere.’

Fine.’

So now I’m looking up resume how to articles and trying to write a sample cover letter. I hate cover letters. Hate hate hate hate. They all sound the same to me, no matter what you’re applying for. It’s you trying to sell yourself, so it always have the same undercurrent that annoys the crap out of me. And half the jobs I’m applying for? I don’t want, I just want to try to save some capital so I don’t have to work in some crap job I hate for thirty years to wind up with no money. In the meantime, I could get on a payment plan for school, but I’d have to come up with almost eight hundred dollars. In about two weeks. Yeah. Since I’m not running drugs or selling my body, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

***

I have a waistline again, holy crap. I’m probably not going to make my deadline of 169 pounds for Labor Day, but I’m only three pounds away. That’s not so bad. But I really need to increase my exercise, and I can’t find anything I like. I may just have to suck it up until I have enough money for a pole dancing class. (No, I have no desire to be a pole dancer. It just looks like fun, and I like the sensuality of it.)

***

A post or so ago, I talked about the death of my godmother. She’s been gone about two months now, and her husband already has a new girlfriend. She’s been in the house, lounging on the couch, and I want to smack him in the face. I want to go all smackdown on him and be all ‘Get that other ho outta my godmother’s house’. I don’t like the idea of him trying to fill her space so quickly, especially when his son had to come home and see her. My mother is of the opinion that all men do this, while women tend to wait longer. Maybe it’s true, maybe not, but in this case I find it completely tacky and disrespectful to both her memory and to their children.

***

I’m not getting my money for school. I am saddened by this. But! I will try to raise some money for the winter semester, and I’m going to appeal the decision. So, I have to keep going. Amazing how one day can change your viewpoint, huh?

I guess it’s because I had a really good day today. I worked in a garden; pulling up weeds, watering plants, eating the occasional fresh cherry tomato. Mmm. I have muscle aches, but I felt so productive! And also I got fresh greens, and sungold tomatoes, and chives and thyme! There is nothing like fresh produce. I’m not entirely sure what chives are for, but I’m going to look it up. I think they’re a garnish.

***

I’m going to talk about the shooting at the Empire State Building today for a second. Seriously, how is it that shootings are almost par for the course now? One man walks into his former place of employment, shoots his former boss, shoots eight other people, and then gets shot by the police, and it’s like, ‘Oh, well, that happened.’ I know, in the grand scheme of things, we can’t focus on every tragedy, but how did that even happen? It’s the Empire State Building, you’d think security would be a little more focused, no?

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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The Summer is All Consuming

10 08 2012

I have not posted in ages! What’s wrong with me?

In weight news…I have lost twenty-five pounds! Ya-hoo! But now, there must be more working out. If I lose a little more, I will buy a new bathing suit. There’s this one, I have it (or a very similar one by the same designer) in a dark emerald green, but the two colors are so cute! But then the one I have already comes in red, and hello, va-va-va-voom! Ah, fashion.

On Monday, I have lunch reservations at this seafood place before Restaurant Week ends- if I’m going to have a lobster roll, I want a good one. And I do believe there is a triple chocolate torte. So, hello, excited! I wouldn’t call myself a ‘foodie’, because who doesn’t love good food, but…well, here’s an example. When I talked about Restaurant Week, my aunt’s response was ‘Oh, can we go to Outback?’ Yes, when there is a whole city of new culinary opportunities, my aunt wants to go to a calorie bomb of a chain steakhouse. Oh well. More triple chocolate torte for me.

Oh, I got into college! YAY! Pray/hope/wish/whatever that my money comes through, ’cause otherwise I can’t afford it. Ha ha ha, no I’m not nervous, why do you ask?

 

***

Back from the beach! Other than an excessive amount of pebbles, it was a good day. I felt good, not self conscious, (and, really, feeling confident in a bathing suit, isn’t that wonderful!) and at the same time determined to get back to the weight where my thighs don’t rub together. They can brush a little, but rubbing is annoying!

And somehow, despite the proper application of sunblock, I still tanned! Not too much though, which is good, I don’t want to look like a handbag before I’m forty.

 

Last Saturday, I went with Big C (my guy friend) to a kissing and cocktails party. I was a little unsure of myself, but it was fun. It was a little too hetero (I mean, I could kiss any girl I wanted, as far as I could tell, but Big C was not getting any dude action), and there was one guy who kept popping up and I was all ‘Okay, dude, the entirety of my body language is ‘get the hell away from me’, stop talking to me’. Eventually he got it. I wore a pink petticoat for a skirt (with a slip underneath), got lots of compliments. I think I will keep the petticoat for special occasions, as it’s not my typical day wear, but I love it. Maybe I’ll incorporate it with my Halloween costume this year. That might be fun. Or I’ll wear it with leggings and be different. The rest of the outfit will have to be completely subtle. Or maybe I’ll just save it for parties. It’s so flouncy.

***

Holy cheese, it’s taken me about a week to write this post. (I bet holy cheese tastes like provolone…yeah, I”m hungry.)

Anyway, back to the party story. In my typical fashion, the person I was most attracted to? A man who was there with his wife, and his girlfriend. What is it with me and finding people (usually men) who are completely emotionally unavailable? (I got to kiss him and play with his nipple rings, so it wasn’t a total waste.) I’m assuming that I’m attracted to unavailable men because I had no father and may be seeking that love elsewhere, but I look for something similar to what I actually know: a man who can’t or isn’t capable of loving me. Maybe I should just give up on men all together! …nah. Unfortunately you can’t turn sexuality on and off like that. Besides, I’m still pretty sure any sane woman would find me too difficult to put up with. I think the urge to gloss over a lover’s failings is easier to apply to men. Oh well. I have other things to do than fall in love right now. Who knows, I may forget all about falling in love with Mr. or Ms. Right until I walk into them.

 

Okay, post is done now! I’m trying to be responsible and get some paperwork done and pick up prescriptions and laundry detergent and work on my novel and…maybe I should focus on one thing at a time. Hee hee.

Sincerely yours,

J.J