Frustration

29 02 2012

I. am. FRUSTRATED.

With the way things are these days, finding employment or an internship is hard enough. There are plenty of people looking, but too many people don’t have the experience that employers want, and the people who do are probably fighting tooth and nail for a spot.

In my case, I’m so messed up I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree, and I don’t have much work experience because I have a hard time holding down a job. I called VESID, so hopefully they call me back, but it doesn’t make me less frustrated or anything.

For instance, (see, I started a new paragraph because I felt like it, even though it’s not necessary) I want to apply to Scholastic’s Editorial Summer Internship-I’ve wanted to since I learn about it, and something always gets in the way of applying. Now there’s only a month left to apply, and I would, but since I’m not enrolled anywhere, I can’t. And even if I could find somewhere in time, I can’t pay for it! So I have to give up on it. Again. In frustration, I kicked a door. It didn’t help.

This stagnation makes me feel so useless, and tired. I want to do something, but it’s like I’m not good enough to do anything. No one wants to hire me, I can’t pay for school, and I can’t even acquire work experience because there’s too much competition! All I can do is go work out, and that’s hardly something that takes up all of my time, and it doesn’t make me feel like I’m accomplishing anything because I don’t see any results!

This isn’t even a post, this is just a rant! There must be other people in this position, what are they doing?

…okay, I’m calm now, after doing more internship looking. Someone will give me a shot. The hard part is to keep going. I’m really down on myself most of the time, I can’t tell myself one positive thing some days. (My therapist says that I’m way too hard on myself. She’s probably right.) But I have such a hard time pushing pushing pushing, I’m tired.

Still peeved at A, JSYK. I mean, I know we had an open relationship. I know that. It’d be one thing if he broke up with me and he was going to continue with multiple relationships. But no. Now he’s going to be monogamous with…whoever she is. The implication being that I’m too much of a mess to be in a relationship with, much less a monogamous one. MEH. I hate making generalizations, but since I’m bitter: MEN ARE STUPID. THROW ROCKS AT THEM. …I miss him. Jerk.

On a positive note: I feel a little thinner. YAY.

And I found something that makes me feel a little better. Tea! My mother bought this new tea from Teavana, called ‘Slimful Chocolate Decadence’. Yes, there is a pun. However, the tea is also very enjoyable, and smells of chocolate. It’s supposed to up your metabolism, no word yet on if it works. I’ll keep everyone updated if I notice any difference. For people who don’t like the sound of that, there’s a Jasmine Pearl Green Tea that is very nice too, for when you have that green tea mood. Also tea doesn’t make me feel bad after I drink it, like Frappucinos do.

Okay, this has gone on long enough! I feel better, and I have apparently started product placement.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

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Single Again

27 02 2012

Well, like the title says. I am a single girl once again, for sure this time. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t cry. At least I managed to save the sobbing for when we hung up. (I still cried talking to him, and now that I reflect on it I feel embarrassed that I let him hear me crying.) It hurt. Partly because A was very nice about it. Let’s stay friends, I hope for the best for you, all that jazz. It would be easier if he was all ‘Bitch, I want nothing to do with you.’ But no, he’s all, I still care, call me if you want to hang out, and all that.

But part of me is rather suspicious of him. He’s been getting distant for a while, and he’s talking about moving with a guy I…have very little comfort around, and apparently there’s a lady he wants to be (gasp) monogamous with. It’s pretty convenient that now I’m too messed up to fit into his life. He’s going to settle up, and I’m just excess baggage. So maybe he’s just pretending, and he’ll be glad never to hear from me again. He said that he’d like to hear about my process, and vice versa, but he’s probably bullshitting me, and I don’t think that’s my natural suspicion talking.

So now I guess it’s time to go through the breakup stages. I got the sobbing out of the way, but now I have to hide everything of his that I have in a box until I decide what I want to do with it. I mean, it’s not much, it’s just a shirt of his (that I really like wearing, damn it), some books, and some jewelry. I think that’s it. Months of our lives and all the tangible evidence of it can be closed up in a shoebox. That’s sad.

But it’s a new day now. It’s a beautiful day, actually, and while it still hurts, and I don’t want to see him for a good long while, I think I’m going to be okay. I mean, it hasn’t even been twenty four hours, so maybe it’s early to say that, but I don’t think I’m going to break down again. I do feel a little worthless, I do feel like I’m such a mess I can’t keep a lover, but if I think about it, this wasn’t just about me.Maybe I wasn’t everything that A wanted, but he isn’t everything that I wanted either. I think we were too different, in the end, and it was too much about the sex. I want someone who is a little gentler, who doesn’t feel the need to teach all the time, who makes more time for me, who isn’t shopping for another lover while I’m still around, who doesn’t expect me to change on his terms and not mine.

It’s true I have a lot of things to work on, and that I have issues and triggers; I’m a little bit of a mess. But the more I talk to people, the more I realize everyone is a little bit of a mess, so it’s not as if I’m some poorly adjusted freak. But I also think it was a little too easy for A to rid himself of me, as if he never really cared at all, like he was dropping off a heavy weight.

So I’m going to change for myself, and not for anyone else, period. Then I’m going to find someone who loves me just the way I am, and who I love just the way they are. Not that we won’t have little habits that might drive the other one a little crazy sometimes, but the romantic in me is seeking someone who wants to spend a lot of time with me, who wants to hold my hand on the couch, who will take me out sometimes, and who will be happy to cook side by side with me. They’ll probably be a little dorky, like me, and sweet, and maybe a little awkward. If they’re a man, they’ll probably be tall. I’ve always liked tall men, especially ones with nice hands. If they’re a woman, I won’t really care how tall she is as long as she doesn’t look like she’s twelve.

I guess I have to try not to wallow in my doubts or in my pain. Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be too. I can’t wallow anymore. It doesn’t do me any good. I will feel how I’m feeling, and I won’t bury it, but I’m going to seek out new things. I can’t wait to see what they are.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Entering No Man’s Land

23 02 2012

Well, it’s into Thursday evening and A hasn’t called. Maybe it hasn’t been that long since what I’ve dubbed ‘The Broken Morning’, but if he wanted to talk to me I assume he would have done so by now. And as steamed as I am, I still wish he would call. Even if it’s just to say ‘I want my stuff back’. …actually, no. If he calls me to say that he wants his books and his little suitcase and whatever else I’ll tell him he can pick them off the front lawn before the garbage men come and toss it all. Even if he was angry, even if he was tired of me, what he did was cruel. I don’t deserve that. I’ve tried to be a better person, I’m trying to grow, and I’ve given him a lot. I don’t deserve to be tossed aside like that, with hardly a word.

Ironically, it’s partly because of him that I can say that I’m worth more than some one night stand. We were involved, my heart was involved, I deserve more than ‘Here’s your stuff, now get out, I don’t want you anymore.’ If it’s that easy to discard me, than he never really loved me in the first place, did he?

I guess I’m still romantic at heart. I know romance doesn’t work the way it does in movies, ending perfectly or anything like that. Love is messy! The movies leave out the stupid little fights and the insecurities and the little moments unless it makes for good drama. Actually, if you think about it, the movies are about the romance. Not the love. Romance certainly has its place, and it bolsters the relationship, I think, but the love is really what you’re going for, right? For the mornings when you wake up next to each other and smile and spend a few minutes longer in bed so you can feel each other’s warmth, for when you know you can count on each other no matter what, when you have private jokes and support and sitting in the dark with them just might be better than being with anyone else.

Maybe this’ll be a chance for another start. Maybe that’s all life is, beginnings and endings and starting over when you have to.

I still don’t want to. But I can’t cling to him either, and I’m still angry, so…really, I’m just walking forward with backward glances.

How do other people let go?





I only know where I’ve been

22 02 2012

I’m so full of everything right now that I think I might pop. Like a pimple. Gross. Moving on.

Let’s see. Well, I skipped my support group again, because I thought I’d get triggered because of my mood, and drowned in chocolate. Because that is so healthy and good for my waistline. Whatever, back on healthy food tomorrow. Might go to the gym. If I feel like it. I probably won’t. I would take photos of myself naked for motivation, but I’ve tried that. (Word to the wise: Unless you have very few issues with your body, don’t do it, especially for motivation. All I did was pick myself apart and eat chocolate and cry.) Crap, I have to go to the gym tomorrow, even if I don’t want to, I can’t go on Thursday. In the words of my coarser self: BALLS.

But let’s get to the meat of it, shall we?

I went to A’s place on Monday, because HEAVEN FORBID we go OUT for our belated Valentine’s Day. (Did you see those capitals? Those were crucial to making my point.) He was very sweet and attentive, though he did essentially refuse to go get frozen hot chocolate with me. He didn’t get me a card or a gift, so I guess he was trying to make up for it with his behavior. I still felt neglected, because I gave him cologne, sex coupons, and a Chewbacca bobblehead. (Did I mention the Chewbacca bobblehead? It’s so cute.)

Oh, wait, and we were drinking, because he’s converting to Islam (I don’t know what’s going on with that, but religion is pretty low on my list of priorities, so I don’t care so much) and Muslims don’t drink. He’s a recovering alcoholic, and we’re drinking. He’s not going crazy, I think, but I still thought it was a bad idea, yet I said some bull about respecting his judgment. Right, lying is so healthy for a relationship.

But we had a nice time, at least until it was time to go to sleep.

I’m trying to fall asleep, because I’m tired, when A brings up me trying to apply for disability again, which I don’t want to do, but apparently I lack the ability to tell him that, so he thinks that I’m just trying to stay in my bubble, rather than preferring not to take public assistance because I feel it has a stigma I would struggle with subconsciously. In any case, I have no idea why he wanted to talk about it right then. Especially since he’s the one who gets annoyed when I start talking when it’s bedtime.

So I don’t say anything, I thought he went to sleep, and I lay there. I went from thinking that I didn’t like his idea to thinking that he was frustrated with me, that he doesn’t think I’m changing fast enough, that I just want to hide from the world forever. I get so stressed out, I revert to my old stress coping mechanism of nipping at my skin. (This says something, considering I haven’t done it in about two years. I didn’t think I’d do it again. I thought it was past that.) Then he asked what I was doing, After refusing to answer about three times,  he kept on pushing. and I finally told him, hoping he would just drop it or comfort me. But oh no. He got out of bed, made me a bed on the couch, told me he ‘couldn’t do this, I have work in the morning’, and proceeded to kick me out of bed. It was this that made me start crying, which I proceeded to do on the couch for an hour and a half while he just slept.

Then he woke me up at seven thirty, barely spoke to me, gave me some toast, gave back my toothbrush (the only thing I have in his apartment), and said nothing when I got up and let myself out. I went home and proceeded to pass out on my bed.

So now it’s almost midnight, and I think I’m not doing another crying jag. Because, guess what? I’m PISSED OFF.

1. No Valentine’s gift, when he said that he bought one. So, therein lies a…a lie. That doesn’t really work, does it?

2. What the in the hell? Maybe I’m completely out of line, maybe I shouldn’t expect him to coddle me when he has to be up in a few hours, but I can’t see doing to someone what he did to me. He made me feel weak and neglected and unwanted and like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. He made me feel like I wanted to hurt myself physically so I wouldn’t feel how much I hurt inside. He made me feel like everything between us wasn’t real, as if my feelings were nothing but an annoyance. So now I am very angry.

Part of me feels like saying the hell with him, deleting him from my phone, and doing out for a rebound. But I don’t want to do that, because when we’re good, we’re good, and I love him. But I can’t do these swings, they’re exhausting. So maybe I should say this:

1. Do not ever pull that crap again, I don’t care how tired you are, that was BULLSHIT. I am going to change on my terms, in my way, and not yours. When I want life advice I will ask for it, and stop alternating between thinking nothing of me and thinking I can take on the world. Stop it.

2. You made me feel like crap, and right now I don’t think I even want to look at you. Apologize and give me some space.

Because I think that’s how I feel right now. I do love him. But if he’s going to make me feel like this, then why would I stay with home? I should hit the gym, eat right, fix up my psyche, try for VESID and maybe then I can finish school, and then maybe I won’t break into tears at midnight. But even if I do, I thought part of being bonded with someone meant dealing with things like that. If it was the other way around, I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing the person I loved was that upset. Then again, I probably wouldn’t be pushing something I knew they weren’t comfortable with unless I had to. So maybe he doesn’t even care about me, or want me around. So after a few days, I may write all of this down again and send it to him. I’m much better on paper than in person.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





A Lonely Valentine’s Day

14 02 2012

 

Well, well, well. I finally have a lover when Valentine’s Day comes around, and am I going on a date tonight? Nope. Did I get a present? From my mother. (Which was very sweet, but come on. A valentine’s gift from a parent when you have a lover is sad on so many levels.)

But A is too goddamn busy to do Valentine’s Day with me, so we’re doing it on Monday. Does he send me a little e-mail or a text? Nope.

Now, I know this holiday is commercial, and made to sell chocolates and flowers and the idea that your life somehow has more value if you’ve got a date on this particular day. (To all the single people out there, it’s not true. Don’t feel bad. I’ve been there with you. Eat a little chocolate, do something nice for yourself, and give some chocolates to the people you care for.)

But the romantic in me feels like we could take a moment to share the fact that we’re lovers. I mean, I guess technically we’re doing it, just a week later, but he’s so busy that he can’t even make time to see me this week? I am going to see him, but it’s just because we’re going to the same social event, and not because he’s making time for me. Is there another lover on the horizon? I mean, according to the terms of our relationship, it’s completely possible, but I don’t want to think that he’ll do that while we’re not quite on solid ground. It makes me feel as if he doesn’t long to be with me the way I long to be with him. It’s true that we both like our space, but I don’t like our ‘once a week’ policy. But maybe I’m just forcing things, and if he doesn’t want more time with me, then maybe I can take the time I need to learn the art of letting go.

Letting go is hard. I hold onto my emotions, whatever they may be. I’m sure other people do too. I’m trying to let go of my anger and frustration, because I think that they’re only poisoning my psyche. But what about this love? If we have to part, love isn’t going to fizzle out like a dying firework. It’s going to linger and weigh me down.

What am I doing? I was the one who didn’t want a expiration date on our relationship and now I’m acting like we’re already dead in the water. Maybe I should just breathe, and go on as far as we can go.

—————–

In other news, ‘Be Good to Myself’ day has cancelled in honor of an evening entitled ‘Eat Chocolate and Work on My Novel’.

Well, actually, I’ve eaten some applesauce, six Hershey’s Kissses, and a Lean Cuisine pizza. And some orange juice. Not so terrible. But I also have a chocolate mousse cake for after dinner. A petite cake, just the right size for one. Mmm. Despite the fact that I’m not being so ‘good’ to myself today, I feel all right, and I’m making it up tomorrow, there’s some swimming thing at the gym I’m going to do. And I get the feeling that there’s something else I’m supposed to be doing, but I can’t remember it now. (Don’t you hate that.)

I’m starting to think everyone is right, though. Going things makes me feel better, less stagnant. Speaking of which, I should go look for jobs again!

Sincerely yours

J.J

 

 

 

 





A Small Victory

13 02 2012

 

I lost two pounds! It’s such a small thing, but at least it’s something. Small victories bring up senses of hope and it makes me smile, so I’m happy.

The psychological effects of losing even a little weight is amazing; I actually want to eat something now instead of feeling bad about being hungry. …I’m guessing that’s not healthy, feeling guilty about wanting to eat something.

But I am making myself a plate. (It’s a trick I play on myself-I use a smaller plate, so it looks like more food, and I don’t actually put as much food on the plate to begin with.) It’s turkey loaf (with Bonesucking Sauce, mmm. They sell it at Fairway, it’s great), mixed veggies, and a little bit of mashed potatoes so I don’t start whining about the lack of starch.

I’m starting to realize it really is about moderation, and not about making some things absolutely forbidden, because then they’re even more appealing.

Oh, there’s the microwave!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





On the Emotional Roller Coaster

12 02 2012

Well, apparently A wants to be with me. It would be nice if that completely cleared up anything at all, but it doesn’t.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. But still. We’ve gotten to the point where we want to be with each other, but then we have arguments over stupid stuff and then I get annoyed, while A does his ‘I am at peace with the universe and now I’m not mad anymore’ bit, while I’m still steamed. Sometimes I wonder if he’s emotionally manipulating me, because I know he’s capable of doing it. But then I hate myself for doubting him, because I love him.

But something like this, I don’t understand:

Me: (walks towards the train)

A: (follows)

Me: (realizes that I’m going the wrong way, and that A has been completely aware of this the whole time) Why did you let me just walk entirely the wrong way?

Then we got into an argument about how I don’t like the mentor role he plays and that I felt stupid, until he basically told me not to fight about it, and then we just didn’t talk to each other until we got to where we were getting off the train. Then he put his headphones in my ears and let his music play and we smiled at each other, and it was in that moment and in those smiles that I remembered that I love him, more than I was angry.

We had a good time at the party we went to, as a couple. That was nice. But we’re not spending Valentine’s Day together, and I don’t know if we’re celebrating another day, which would be important to me. So it’ll just be Tuesday, and the little Chewbacca bobblehead I bought for his desk at work might just stay in my bedroom. (That Chewbacca bobblehead is the cutest damn thing. I was going to get Darth Maul, but he sort of creeped me out, and I didn’t want everyone going past his desk to be looking at a little demon who had three scenes in the whole movie.)

But this is the same man who wakes up when I’m lying next to him and can’t sleep because everything going through my heart and mind, who talks me through it all and is never angry at me for keeping him up, who lapses in and out of sleep because he’s so tired but he doesn’t want to leave me alone with my thoughts in the dark. I hope everyone has someone like that, someone who will wrap their arms around you and tell you that you are safe with them, someone who will hold you tight while you tremble and press kisses on your hair.

But then I realize I’m a burden on him sometimes, which is the last thing I want to be, I want to be less about me me me all the time, I want me to be a joy to him. I guess that means I have to keep on working on it, and try to think of him more.

I don’t want him to be tired of me. I think holding myself up would build self confidence and make us stronger.

…this was an odd post.

On another note, did anyone see the Walking Dead tonight? (If you haven’t seen it yet, spoilers below!)

1. Lori is stupid. ‘I’m going to try and make Daryl go after Rick and Glenn, even though they haven’t been gone long enough to worry about them and nothing about the situation has changed!’ And then she tells Daryl that he’s being selfish. Daryl, who had been going after Sophia and putting himself in danger. Then she goes off, hits a walker, and flips the car. I love how the primary female character comes off as both unlikable and completely incompetent.

2. …Hershel’s daughter is totally infected. Why is no one presenting that as an option, and why does no one wear gloves while touching the dead walkers? Then again, no one covers up much, and if I were in their situation I would be covered from head to toe with a mask over my face.

3. Rick totally owned the sketchy Philly dudes, what! Rick is getting to be hard, thank goodness, because if he doesn’t get with the program, people are going to start dying even faster.

4. I don’t care about the whole Glenn/Maggie bit, but it was nice that she was concerned for him. Also, how did everyone get from ‘look, a flask’ to ‘Hershel must be drinking’. That was clunky. Writers, get with it!

 

Sincerely yours,

J.J