Disgusted and Hopeful

19 04 2012

Today I’m going to talk about my journey on the express bus. Riding on the express bus itself is usually pretty comfortable unless someone who’s too fat sits in the seat next to you and you end up pressed against the window and your breath ends up creating moisture and it feels like a St. Bernard is breathing on your face. But anyway.

My journey starts downtown, so there’s little stores and people to look at, and then, after about thirty blocks or so? The area gets expensive. Slick, you can almost taste the black credit cards expensive. As we go up we pass Michael Kors, Coach, some stores I’ve never heard of before but ooze the aura of expense, Prada, more boutiques, and plenty of building where the rent for a one bedroom is probably twice of this apartment, and it’s a three bedroom. The sidewalks are so clean I could probably lick it, and there’s Starbucks everywhere. Most of the people walking around are white. Then we go further up, and it’s not as expensive, there’s a Gap and a Banana Republic and that unnecessarily expensive workout gear store (it’s called Althea or Athena or something), there’s a Barnes and Noble, little Asian restaurants, Easy Spirit, places like that. It’s a little sloppier, but it’s not so bad. The people are a little more mixed. But twenty blocks from there? It’s like being in a different city all together. There’s garbage in the street, and I wouldn’t touch the sidewalk barehanded. The stores are almost laughable, they’re all bargain stores with things in bins on the sidewalk, a third of them are closed. There aren’t any Starbucks, only Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins and McDonalds. Most of the people are black or Spanish.

There’s supposedly more equality now, and I can’t help but laugh. There’s still that same gap between the rich and the poor, and often the same gap is between white people and everyone else. The affluent part of the city is something to be admired; it’s clean, there’s a good variety of stores and restaurants, and there’s plenty to do. But you leave that area and I feel like the people who live there have been forgotten. Why is it acceptable for these people to have garbage on their streets, while less than two miles away the streets are clean with plenty of accessible trash receptacles? I understand that the stores are going to be less expensive in a lower income area, but it’s not as if the city can’t do something so the people living there can take pride in their neighborhood.

Exercise is boring. I need to start taking classes or something, because goddamn am I bored. All I do is crunches, walking, rowing, weight machines. I’m starting to think my muscles are bored, and considering the fact that they aren’t sentient, that’s saying something. I might try the Zumba DVDs again, but the women are so annoyingly perky I want to kick them. But I think that’s just a reaction to having to push myself and being in pain, so I yell at the very in shape women who are pushing me.

A and I have a meet up on Saturday. I won’t call it a date because we’re going to chat, and I think he probably wants to forget about a second try. I sort of do to, especially since there’s other possibilities out there. I want to have fun. There’s a guy from OKCupid who wants to meet next week. It’s nice to get attention, ha ha. And A is annoying the crap out of me, especially after canceling on me and then telling me to tell him when I’m free as if he doesn’t want to push me, and then…I don’t know. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood.

Today is Weight Watchers, by which I mean it’s a meeting day. Hopefully I’ve lost a little weight, because if I’ve gained again I’m going to jump out a window or something. …maybe nothing that dramatic, but I’ll be really frustrated. On the plus side, I think I see a little more definition in my abs. I’ll cross my fingers.

Oh, time for the meeting!

Sincerely yours,




14 04 2012

Well, A and I are back together. And I feel all over the place. At first, I was happy, cuddling up to him, enthusiastic about how well we could do. And now, less than a week later, I’m completely unsure. We were supposed to meet up in the city for a date, and he was apparently too tired to keep our plans, but it would be totally cool if I went to his neighborhood and we hung around there. And if we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it, I guess. I said I didn’t want to go-no, actually, I didn’t say that, I hemmed and hawed and just said goodbye.

I distrust him. I don’t know if it’s my instincts telling me not to see him, or if it’s just my usual distrust of people. Sometimes it seems like he only wants me on his terms, either I see him that way or not at all. And then sometimes, when he pulls me to him like he doesn’t want to let me go, that I feel like I love him, this aching wave of tenderness.

But I don’t know if that’s really what you call love, is it? What I’m dreaming of, well it’s what almost everyone else is dreaming of, I think. Someone who I’m the happiest with, who meets me from an equal place. Well, there are more specific things. I’d like someone cuddly, and sweet, who’s understanding and not preachy at all, who will come after me if I leave, and who is protective. Oh, and who loves me very much. That’s not too much to ask, is it? In return I’d be happy to be sweet, and cook for them, and massage their shoulders, and hold their hand, and brighten up their life.

A…well, he isn’t none of those things, but…He’s not very cuddly, it’s like he does it because I want him to, and not because he wants to. He has tiny moments of sweetness, but it’s mixed up with stiffness and some preaching, and sometimes he doesn’t show understanding. He’s come after me, but he’s also pushed me away, wounded me. And I honestly can’t tell if he’s protective or not. As for loving me, I think he might, but not in any way but on his terms. Or maybe he just said he loves me to keep me. So, I don’t know.

Enough about that. More about Weight Watchers! Yay!

Well, not yay, ’cause I gained back four pounds. I was so angry-I’m guessing I was eating according to my points alone and not thinking about my food itself. I used up most of my weekly points and ate pretty badly, so I guess it’s my fault. But I’m a little more determined now. I’ve been pretty good since the last weigh in, but I haven’t really worked out much. Sunday I’m probably going to work on things at home, but Monday I have a gig (yay), so I’ll just go to the gym afterwards. Also, I was told about Fiber One Brownies. They are yummy, and only two points. And…they actually taste good, and they have fiber. So I recommend them, they’re good for a chocolate fix without the guilt. Weight Watchers also makes this chocolate smoothie powder, so if I work on not spoiling myself, I can still have chocolate. I may not make a bikini, but that’s okay. I have my favorite retro style bathing suit. It’s emerald colored, and very flattering, so I have something to wear until next summer!

It’s a good thing I have chocolate, because I’ve noticed a lot of  anger and frustration lately. Which I suppose is better than apathy and depression, but I’m much more likely to snap, and anger burns so hot I’m worried I’ll do something stupid or dangerous. Depression just makes me inactive, anger makes me want to hurt…something.

Wow. That was sort of dark. Um…let’s talk about suntan lotion! I prefer Aveeno’s spray on kind, it doesn’t make me break out. And apparently you have to reapply it, which I didn’t know. I thought you only had to do that if you got wet. So I’m going to try being religous about it, because I don’t want sun spots and more wrinkles than I have to get. …not that I’m old or anything, but still. Besides, I really don’t want skin cancer. …I love how I say that like other people might want skin cancer, or might want to look like tanned leather handbags when they’re fifty. It’s a little scary, people who look like that, it’s like they’re beef jerky, dried up chewy meat.

I also think I’m developing a bit of an ego-I’m going over what people are submitting to my writer’s group next Sunday, and I think it’s terrible, that I am vastly superior. I’ve read bad fanfiction better than this stuff, and that is saying something. …if I’m becoming one of those people who think too much of themselves, I hope someone knocks me down a peg, because those people irritate the crap out of me.

Pretty Woman is on TV. This is probably the most unrealistic romantic comedy I have ever seen. I mean, there is a generation of women who got the idea that some man will spend a week with them and decide to wrap them up in their life, and will spend oodles of money on them, and treat them with respect, and blah blah blah. Gag me.

Sincerely yours,


A Post On Good Friday

6 04 2012

I’m not religious, so all I notice about today is that everyone and their mother is out.

I went laptop shopping, with little success. It infuriates me that there are people who have jobs who are decidedly lousy at them, and I can’t get a gig answering phones or something.Anyway. First, we went to Best Buy. There wasn’t much selection, and the sales associate was…less than helpful. His answer to ‘What’s the difference between an i3 processor and an i5’?

‘They’re odd numbers.’ To our credit, neither one of us went ‘DURRRRRR’ in his face. Then we asked about the usual price, because the laptop on sale, and he just sort of stared at us before trying to sell us a wifi hotspot thing. So we left.

Then we went to P.C. Richards, where no one helped us with the laptops, but a very nice young man helped us choose an air conditioner, which we will buy later.

Then we went to Staples, which I laugh about now, since I declared I would never return. That was short-lived. But we didn’t buy anything. There was a laptop I liked, but it was a little over budget, and I’ve heard the protection plans in Staples are bad anything. So we went home and I was grouchy.

Oh, light but not a netbook laptop with a good processor and memory and battery light, where art thou?

And I’ve noticed that since I’m in a lower income area (not the ghetto or anything, but pretty middle class), that the customer service is LOUSY. What, we’re in a lower tax bracket, so we don’t deserve exemplary service. It’s really frustrating. We’re going to have to go into the city tomorrow and look there, just so we can get better service. It’s ridiculous.

Oh, and I’m meeting A on Sunday. It’s making me unsettled, which should probably tell me something. If my first reaction to seeing him isn’t happiness, I don’t think I want to be with him. Maybe that’s not even on the table anymore, and I’m just looking for closure now. My mother put it this way, ‘I never saw you being silly or cute with him.’ We were, but… I really don’t know. Sometimes it felt like I was dating two guys in one body, one who was sweet and embracing, but who was constantly eclipsed by someone slightly condescending and too serious, who put walls between us. And despite all that, I don’t know if I would say no, if he wanted to get back together. Whatever, I’ll just wait until Sunday, see how I feel.

And…I LOST SIX POUNDS MY FIRST WEEK ON WEIGHT WATCHERS! YAY! YAY! YAY! I feel better too. And it makes me notice all the crap I was eating before. I have 31 points per day, plus my 49 weekly points and whatever activity points I get. (I don’t have to use all of those, but I love the flexibility.) I’ll give you an example. I would eat a ten piece chicken nuggets, fries, and a soda from Wendy’s. The nuggets alone are ten points. That’s a third of my points for the day. Damn. Another example: a tablespoon of olive oil is 4 points, and I used to just pour tons of that stuff when I was cooking. So now? Lots of vegetables, veggies are no points and yum yum yum. Okay, that’s not true. Vegetables are good, I just don’t crave them the way I crave fried chicken. But that’s what WW is about, making healthy choices and only occasionally going to Roy Rogers and eating fried chicken. (Has anyone seen a Roy Rogers lately that isn’t in a service stop? That’s the only places I see them.)

Weight Watchers have nice snacks, like 2 point snack size ice cream sandwiches. And they have ones that have chocolate in them, and ones that are like Flying Saucers. Of course it’s just a way for Weight Watchers to make more money, but hey, so far it’s working for my body. I just have to work out more, need to firm everything up. I’m thinking about getting an exercise ball, a lot of at home exercises seem to use them, and sometimes I don’t want to go to the gym. I’m for sure going on Monday though. I wish I could get into a routine, but getting to the gym seems to be based on how I’m feeling. Maybe I should think of the gym as my job, since I don’t have an actual form of employment.

This week looks like it’s going to be fun. I hope it is.

Sincerely yours,