Going on the New Year

30 12 2012

Only a week until I find out if my job’s going to keep me. If they don’t-oh well. The money would be nice, but it’s not as if I’ll be totally crushed or anything. I’m comfortable there-as comfortable as I would be anywhere, since I’m never quite comfortable with people around my age or colleagues. My lingering lack of self confidence tries to convince me that no one likes me and that they’re whispering behind my back. But whether it’s true or not, I can’t do anything about it, and most of my co-workers are not people whose opinion I value.

BB and I are back to sending dirty texts messages to each other, but then he goes and responds to my compliment by wishing that he had someone on his side of the ocean who felt that way. Ouch. That stung. I mean, I know I’m just the penfriend, but he knows I like him, so why would he say that? Unless he didn’t get exactly what I meant-he doesn’t seem to be the type to be deliberately cruel.

That little episode made me feel so much relief that I’m not pregnant. (I thought I might be, as my period hasn’t shown up, but the test says I’m not, so I’m good.) I was a little disappointed (goddamn biological clock), but oh god, can you imagine? I’m not in a place to have a kid right now, and I really didn’t want to do a transatlantic ‘Hey, guess what, I’m having your baby’ phone call. (We did use protection, in case anyone is wondering, but it’s not perfect, and since I’m not pregnant, I’m either getting my period or the flu. I hope it’s the first one, but either way I feel like crap.)

Big C says that while me and BB might not be in the cards right now, but I shouldn’t shut the door, shouldn’t believe that there’s no way of it happening, even if he’s with someone else. (He’s not right now, and he might not get to be with someone, and even if he does, that’s not necessarily a forever relationship.) And though I’m afraid that I’ll get too attached to him-which I already am in some ways-I might just be able to keep him in my heart somewhere as a dear friend and fall in love with someone else, or who knows. It hasn’t even been two months, which is why I feel silly. But maybe it’s not so silly, because if he lived in this city I would have made my intentions very clear from the start. Oh well. It’s not like I don’t have other things to do in the meantime. …like check craigslist for more jobs, tee hee. I say tee hee a lot.

Well, I should get some writing done. To those of you that read this, thanks for reading! I know this blog is sort of random, but it’s my voice, and I like it!

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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Had A Nice Christmas

26 12 2012

Hardly anyone came for Christmas, but it was nice, all the same.

I got an iPhone 5, so YAY NEW SHINY THING. It’s pretty damn cool, I must say, so for once I’m glad I’m like everyone else on the planet who has one.

And tomorrow is my birthday! YAY ME.

Big C probably can’t go anywhere with me for New Year’s, which means, most likely, I will be at home. With my mother. Yay! <_<
As you can tell, I’m thrilled. I intend to spend it, at the very least, imbibing alcohol.

BB hasn’t e-mailed me since Christmas Eve, and I’m convinced, as per my usual level of self confidence, that I did something wrong. I shouldn’t give a damn, but I do. It probably doesn’t help that my period hasn’t shown up. I thought it was, but so far, not so much. I know I’m not pregnant-I mean, I’ve lost weight since meeting him, so I don’t think I’m growing a baby inside me.

Though it makes me think, again, about what I would do if I was. Logic says that I should run to the nearest place that provides abortions, and tell no one, not even him. I mean, I’m in no place to raise a kid, certainly not with a man I had a one night stand with. Or without him, as well the case may be. (Big C says that I shouldn’t assume that men won’t step up, but in my experience they don’t, so I would assume that BB wouldn’t be any different. Which is probably why I’m still single; I don’t trust men, and apparently I appeal to a very small demographic of women.)

But I don’t know if it would be so easy, once I knew. I mean, could I go into a doctor’s office and say ‘I don’t want to be pregnant or a mother, please take care of this for me?’ I don’t know. The part of me that wants to be a mother more than anything says no. The part of me that wants to travel the word says yes. I don’t know which would win out.

 

Also, I have eaten tons of crap today. Cake and apple turnovers and cookies and crap crap crap. Thank Weight Watchers for the Weekly Points, otherwise I would be totally screwed. Mmm. And today is Wednesday, so my points reset tomorrow. I made it through Christmas without using all my points, yay!

And I’ve put Barcelona on my list of places to see; I don’t know much about architecture and I still find the buildings staggering. I know I live in a great country, but damn, the old world had gorgeous things. Like this.

File:Palau Nacional.jpg

The National Art Museum in Catalonia

Gorgeous! Or this!

CasaBatllo 0170.JPG

CasaBatllo

I don’t know what this is, but it’s gorgeous, and makes me think it’s from another world.

In the meantime, I have work tomorrow, and I have a cough that is kicking my ass today. I don’t know where it came from, and now I’m wheezing a little bit. I have no desire to be sick, so I’m sucking on tea and cough drops and hoping I make it to work tomorrow. I’m really hoping that they’ll keep me, because I really don’t want to be on the hunt for a job again. But the part of me that finds other people irritating is all ‘YAY NO MORE WORK!’ But I need the money and the activity. With my job I average about 4 activity points a day, and without it I have a tendency to sit around, since I don’t push myself too hard. However, I am looking at fitness classes that the city sponsors, maybe that’ll suit me better than a gym I never go to because it’s too far and I don’t feel welcome there.

…I really try to sound positive…but I would feel better if BB would just e-mail, which would mean I wouldn’t have scared off another guy with my issues. Unless of course, I didn’t in fact make a mistake and he’s just busy. But either way, I’m not on his mind and I’m bummed and instead of doing something constructive, I’m eating chicken fingers (baked, not fried) and drinking Smirnoff Ice. See, if this was a chick flick, this would be the beginning, and then I would win a trip to Europe, lose the rest of my weight, and BB would realize, hey, he’s madly in love with me and we run off on a trip together and eventually get married. I would wear this.

Ooooooh.

Ignore the no boob model, focus on that skirt. Ah. …I love how I love wedding gowns and have little faith in the institution of marriage. THANK YOU SPERM DONOR! Also, I would have more respect for the fashion industry if they designed for women with curves. (There is an Australian model who appeared in Glamour sometime this year, I think, who is a size 10/12 and SO HOT OMG, so don’t tell me curvy can’t be dressed. I can’t think of her name. But she was pretty pretty pretty.)

…I am sure I am not sober anymore. Time for ending the post. Good night everybody!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Christmas Shopping

22 12 2012

I have all my presents!

Except for this last batch of cookies, which I have to bake, but that’s it. Tomorrow and Monday will be wrapping days. Everyone got everything? Is everyone at home for Christmas already?

I was at the mall today. Holy cheese were there a lot of people. Parking was a minor miracle-we were in the line for the valet parking and someone nearby pulled out, so we almost had to throw down with a nearby car. But they backed off, because we were there first, and I guess they didn’t want to fight at Christmas.

I spent more than a hundred bucks today, but isn’t it so fun to spend money? I’m very American that way. What about you? What do you spend it on?

BB is going home for Christmas today. I’m assuming that he’s there already, as it’s midnight there. I hope he’s happy to be with his family. We didn’t e-mail today. I missed talking to him, but you can’t compete with family and Christmas. We’re just pen-friends, after all.

::listens to Merry Christmas, Darling. AGAIN.::

ARGH. I was trying not to think about him. But I keep listening, hoping that I’ll hear ‘Set Fire to the Rain.’ Yes, the Adele song, I was getting tired of hearing ‘Telephone.’ But I didn’t hear it all day, so I was a little sad.

But I am not going to get bummed about it, because CHRISTMAS IS IN THREE DAYS OMG YAY!

Speaking of which…I think my dough might be ready to cut now. 🙂 I will make gingerbread cookies, and I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT CUTE BRITISH BOYS WITH THEIR ACCENTS AND CUTE E-MAILS AND THEIR ABILITY TO ROCK MY WORLD IN BED. …yeah right.





Christmas Bustle and Decorating Sugar

19 12 2012

A co worker wanted me to cover a shift tomorrow, and I would have done it (MONEY MONEY MONEY) but I realized I have no time before Christmas. I’m taking a break from pretzel decorating, I haven’t even started the gingerbread dough, I have to shop tomorrow and go to BJ’s with my mother, I have work on Friday and I have to bake cookies, I have to wrap gifts and who knows what else on Saturday, and I have work on Sunday and Monday. I wanted the shift so badly too! WAH!

I guess I could have decided to shop on Saturday, but I’m not shopping on the last Saturday before Christmas, I might as well shoot myself in the foot. And I am not running around like a chicken with no head, I want to enjoy Christmas. Oh, well, I regret not doing it, but I think I’ll regret not getting my shopping done more. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

Is everyone done with their shopping, unlike little old procrastinating me?

Also, decorating sugar-the sparkly kind-sticks to everything. EVERYTHING, it looks like a little sugar fairy danced on my kitchen counters, along with chocolate.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they’ll keep me after Christmas, even though the evaluation thing my case worker wants me to do starts in January. Maybe they’ll keep me. If not, back to job hunting. Again. I did apply for the internship at Penguin-I hope they at least call me for an interview. It is the greatest hope in my heart that I get that position. BB is…a very close second, probably only in that position because it’s unrealistic.

But I really could use the money from this job. I mean, it won’t be that many hours, but it’s better than nothing, and if I manage to get the thing at Penguin, I could work until then.

(3:34 PM)

I was planning on leaving at four to stop at LUSH for presents-I haven’t touched the cookies, and I’m still in my running pants and a t-shirt. I guess cookies will have to wait until tomorrow. Meh. And now I just found out my plans for BJs tomorrow are probably cancelled, so I could have taken the shift and just shopped on Saturday. MEH!

Okay, now I’m going to get dressed. And reply to BB’s e-mail. Because I can’t help it. Sigh.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Accidentally Sexist Cookies

18 12 2012

I bought new cookie cutters today because the female cookie cutter had a skirt and legs. My other one doesn’t, it’s a legless woman. I made my last batches of cookies sexist. I am saddened by this. My next batch will be better. And will have faces because I have icing tips now. And I bought the cutest cookie boxes to put them in, yay!

Don’t you just love products? I went to Michael’s for the cookie cutters and decorating icing and ended with melting chocolate and sparkling sugars. I also saw a deluxe frosting tip set, so if I back into baking for serious-DO WANT. I want to make pretty cupcakes for Valentine’s Day.

But Thursday will be cookies and pretzels day-tomorrow is shopping day! For my mother and Big C anyway. I don’t know how I’m going to buy something for my brother, ’cause he is impossible to buy for, but I have to at least get Mom and Big C. (I wish I could buy BB something, but it’s not like I’d really know what to get, and anyway we don’t know each other’s addresses.)

Tonight, I’m making pork tenderloin for the first time. I hope it comes out really well, and goes nicely with my mashed sweet potatoes. And I’m really hungry…oh, wait, it’s almost done.

No it isn’t. Meh. HUNGRY. But my sweet potatoes are yummy. So I will wait. It’s resting now, and it smells so good! Fingers crossed!

It tasted good! It was a tiny bit undercooked, but it was okay, I think I’ve got it down! YAY!

…now I’m eating Froot Loops. I like Froot Loops. As sugary cereals go, it’s not so bad, nutritionally speaking.

***

Okay, tomorrow might be baking day instead, because my money for shopping didn’t come in. And now I’m sad. But I like baking, so that’s all right. I can do my pretzels and make my gingerbread dough

And since I haven’t talked about BB today: he e-mails and talks about how he’s feeling! That gives me such a happy feeling. I mean, I assume it’s because I’m not physically in front of him and it’s easier to type such things than to say them out loud, but it still makes me happy.

My mother said that she thinks he’s perfect. Cue eye rolling. But I can’t help but smile at the idea.

Geez, I talk about him a lot. I guess it gives me something to think about.

***

Seven days until Christmas, I’m excited. I don’t even have a tree yet-this December is going by really fast. But I’ll get a little tree-I have to have a tree, it’s not Christmas without it.

Hey, everyone, name the one thing that it’s not Christmas without! Is it decor? A food? A tradition?

(Does anyone go caroling? I don’t, because I’m pretty sure the reaction I would get would be something along the lines of ‘What the hell? There’s some bitch outside singing Christmas carols. I think she wants money. Let’s call the police.’ Also, I’m not going up to stranger’s houses and singing, who knows what’s on the other side of the door, it’s not like I live in Pleasantville, Minnesota.)

…I should probably be showering. Night everyone!

 

Sincerely yours,

J.J





16 12 2012

 

I am frustrated. Again.

After doing some reading online, I have learned (apparently) that the reason that I don’t do well with romantic relationships is because I give into sex too easily and I’m too needy and too distant at the same time.

1. What year is this? I know women are more hard wired to make emotional connections after sex, but am I not supposed to want to have sex early on? Maybe not. Maybe I should give it a shot. No sex until there’s an emotional connection. …which at the rate I emotionally connect with people means I’ll probably have sex two years from now, if I meet someone next week.

2. I’m too needy. I know that. Probably because between the anxiety issues, the intimacy issues, and the depression, I either don’t connect at all or I connect too quickly. So, I have to find other fulfilling things. …I’m in trouble. No sex and I have to feel fulfilled. Not that sex makes me feel fulfilled. …I’m really in trouble.

3. Of course I’m too distant, I have trust issues! A lot of trust issues! And I’m introverted and antisocial and I hardly like anyone and…I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?

I think this is just me still feeling rejected. I’ve felt like crying for two days and I haven’t done it yet, and I’m just…I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have a lot of emotional support. Well, I don’t have many friends…I have two friends, and one’s in California and the other’s emotional support for like twenty people. I have my mother, but that’s too complicated and I have to hide things from her, so that’s no good.

Oh, wait, I have a therapist! I should make a list of things to take to her to talk about, but forty five minutes a week just isn’t cutting it, especially when I have to miss a lot because of work. And I can’t afford two sessions a week. And yet I keep saying I’m okay. …maybe I should go back to my support group. But I wasn’t really comfortable there. There must be another. But I don’t know if I want to walk into another room of strangers that don’t care about me and talk about my rage and my disappointments and my frustrations and my sadness and then walk away alone again. For all my introversion and my aversion to people, I am very lonely. I want to believe that life is beautiful and that I’m worth something, but I don’t. There are beautiful moments in life, and I believe that. But they are so few and far between, and the rest is so boring and empty and painful, and I don’t know why I continue to slog through it. As for me…I might have been worth something once, but I don’t think I am.

Big C says that value doesn’t really mean anything-he’s right, something like gold only has value because we say so, it’s just a shiny rock-but value is something that people seem to agree on, because one person started it. And for anyone to think that I’m valuable and worth keeping and caring for, I have to believe that first. But I don’t! I can say that I do a million times, but deep down I don’t! Deep down I’m still the child who feels lonely and dirty and self loathing, who wishes she could disappear, or turn into someone else. Someone else who is happy, who shines, who doesn’t still sometimes want to destroy themselves because they can’t bear the loneliness and pain.

I want to tell that little girl that everything is all right. But I don’t want to lie to her, and I don’t know that everything is going to be all right. She thought that if it ended, she would be all right. She didn’t know that even if it ended, she wouldn’t feel any better. The damage was done.

The damage is the worst part. You think, ‘I’m damaged goods, so no one’s going to take me when there’s plenty of fruit out there with no bruises.’ And the cracks make you aware of even the tiniest bit of pressure because you’re so much easier to break. And criticism  You can’t take criticism. You can’t, because it means someone saw, that they know you’re no good!

And even if someone likes you, you can’t get that right, you cling because you need them to stay, and if they leave you it means that you were never any good after all, and they’re just one more mark on you.

I hate how we have a number, and for women it’s a bad thing. I don’t know my number, I don’t trust my memory to give me a complete list, so if someone asks I either tell them it’s none of their business or I make something up.

I also don’t know when I lost my virginity. I have no clue. Big C said to just pick a date, like a birthday for a pet. I picked one to make it seem like the idea made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It just makes me feel contaminated, like anyone can just get into my body and do what they want with it.

…you know, I’m not a bad person. I mean, I’m not perfect. But I’m decent, maybe even a good person on some days. I don’t try to hurt anyone, I try to be nice, I sometimes give to charity even though I avoid bums on the subway. But it doesn’t matter, because even though I’m not bad I’m not good.

No one’s ever going to take me home to meet their parents or have children with me or ask me to travel the world with them. That’s not what I’m for. I’m for booty calls and late nights and distance, I’m not that kind of girl.

There won’t be a wedding for my mother to cry at. Maybe I’ll manage to get knocked up and keep the kid and try to raise the kid to have a better life than I did before chucking myself off a bridge. That’s probably the best I can hope for-I’ll do it after my mother dies so that she doesn’t have to live with the pain of losing me.

Maybe that won’t happen. Maybe I will be happy. But it doesn’t seem like it. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s never quite right. I don’t fit anywhere, I always do something wrong. I’m never happy. Even if it seems like it, it’s all fake. And I’m tired of it.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Ouch

15 12 2012

Well, I went to my little make out party-and I didn’t have any fun! I was thinking about BB the whole time.

So I wrote to him and told him that, and got this in response.

‘I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time-why didn’t you feel comfortable?

I’d also be really sorry if our continued chatting has caused any…problems.

You shouldn’t be thing about me in such a situation. I’m thousands of miles away!’

That is the most polite, if somewhat mean, rejection I’ve ever gotten, and it hurts now like someone kicked me in a stomach.

And hang on, he just e-mailed me again. Apologizing, saying that he really likes me too, he likes our chats, he doesn’t want to make me vicariously unhappy, and that there are better guys and I should go find them. By the way, here’s a link to a song. Which, while nicer, still make it clear that I don’t make him feel the warm fuzzies. Which stings like lemon juice on a cut.

So now I’m all ‘Now what?’ Am I supposed to just act like that didn’t happen? Okie dokie, let’s be happy pen pals!”

I guess I’ll have to be satisfied with that, or forget about him.

Sincerely yours,

J.J