The End Of Christmas

26 12 2011

 

And now Christmas is over. The hustle and bustle, the shiny new gift feeling, the meaning of the decor- all done for another year. I ate unhealthy food with everyone else, and cake as well. It was a lot of fun, with all the conversation and family close together.

I invited A over for our Christmas. (Naturally, being me, I was nervous.) But he came, and, to my shock, brought wine. (He doesn’t drink-did I mention that?) But everyone liked it, so that was good. He liked his gifts (yay, I did well!), but mine hasn’t come yet, so he’s giving it to me later. I was a little miffed he didn’t order my gift in time to get it here for Christmas, but I don’t think it’s something to make a fuss over. But if I don’t get at least a phone call on my birthday (which is tomorrow, yay), then he is totally in the doghouse and not getting any appetizers for his New Year’s party. (If it weren’t pointless and juvenile I would deny him sex. But I won’t have the will power for that, and he has other outlets. And, as I said, it’s pointless and juvenile.)

Sometimes I think he manipulates me. But I can’t tell if it’s me being paranoid or if he’s actually manipulative (I know he’s capable of being manipulative, so it’s not as if it isn’t part of his personality), so I’ll leave it as it is for right now. I’m still trying to see if my attempts at making him feel more appreciated even go anywhere before I worry about anything else. Sometimes I’m sure he’s going to break up with me and I want to try and run. But I’ll stay. Even if it breaks me.

…wow, that was a sad note to end on. But I’m actually in a pretty good mood. I’m just thinking. (As A would say, ‘Uh-oh.)

 

                                                      Yours,

                                                     J.J





Today, I think, was a good day.

20 12 2011

Well, the day isn’t over yet, but it is a good day so far.

I like to celebrate good days. Everyone should do that.

Fellow anxiety sufferers, if you have a hard time getting out of the house and getting on with your day, I have a tip: do one thing at a time. Don’t think of the whole picture. It’s overwhelming. If you have to talk yourself through each step, then do so. It’s okay. Also, smell some lavender. It helps. At least it helps me. Or have a little sweet, let it distract you. Oh, and deep breaths. It’s cliché as hell, but it does help. Not always, but it can keep the feeling that you’re going to drown in your own nerves at bay.

I’m at A’s place. He’s out at the moment, hence the blog post. But soon he will be home, and then we may watch True Blood (he’s totally getting me into it) and then we can have sexy times!

On the relationship front, I’m going to try and nurture him more, and he seems less stressed. I brought him dinner, which he ate up, so I did a good deed, and I hope I can make him feel loved and respected. I want to stay with him. We can be corny together and still be sexy, which is nice, and I’m comfortable with him, which for me is HUGE. I mean, Empire State Building being carried across the plains of Africa by a giant herd of bull elephants huge.

I know there’s always the chance that we could break up. I know that. But I’m going to try not to worry about it, because I think it prevents me from enjoying the relationship as it is now. Not worrying, for me, is a little like not wanting sweets, but I will try anyway.

Also, my Christmas shopping is still.not.done. And it’s five days until Christmas. Why do I procrastinate to my own detriment? Now I’m going to have to dive into the chaos and terror that is last minute Christmas shopping. Well, at least I won’t be alone. I would go tomorrow, but tomorrow is waiting-for-packages-and-the-new-sofa day. How exciting, right? But it must be done.

Mother: I have a gift for her, but not everything I want to get her. ::sigh::

Brother: Getting his gift Thursday.

A: Part of his gift I have, the rest isn’t here yet.

Everyone else: I have nothing. ::cries::

And I’m worried part of A’s present won’t get here in time. I’m still worrying (ha ha) about how I appear to him. I want to be a potential partner, and I want to hold up well against Faraway Potential Wife, who I will now refer to as FPW because I am too lazy to type out that whole title every time.

JSYK:

A=boyfriend

SG2: boyfriend’s other serious girlfriend

…is that it? I think so. My memory isn’t the best, so…yeah. I’ll add more as I go.

But yeah. He might marry FPW, not for what I would consider the right reasons, but I’m pretty biased, right? I’d prefer he doesn’t, but in the end it’s his choice. I’m just not sure how I’ll feel once he has a wife that isn’t me, who’s known him longer. He doesn’t think she’ll push me out, but…

I’ll put it this way-I’ve known women to get jealous, and to get possessive. I don’t care how cool he says she is, it’s one thing to agree to your partner seeing other people, and another thing altogether to see him treasure someone else. I guess we’ll see. Their marriage isn’t a sure thing. We aren’t getting married anytime soon, I can tell you that. And I’m fine with that. Being a wife is a very big deal, and I’m not ready. I guess I just don’t like the idea of someone else being his wife. I’d rather we find someone (or more than one someone) we can live in a unit with. It might be unconventional, but I’d rather be unconventional than a married couple and the lover. It seems too uneven.

Heck, I might completely change my tune if I find someone I’m interested in. Who knows? I might have a chance encounter and fall for someone who I want to share my time with. Or maybe I’m actually a serial monogamist and haven’t realized it yet. But, again, who knows? Only time will tell, or something equally cliché.

Yours,

J.J





The Christmas Aura, and A and I

17 12 2011

I was sadly lacking in Christmas cheer until today. I don’t know if it’s universal, but once December hits me, usually I’m so infused with Christmas spirit I’m practically pooping tinsel. But this year, it wasn’t so exciting. I don’t know what it was. But then today, I went into a little ‘holiday market’ thing with my mother. I wanted to do something Christmas-ey. And so we did. We looked in almost every little booth (jewelry made from real orchids, porcelain lamps, the most delicious waffles (mine had whipped cream and maple syrup and strawberries…), we soaked in the aura of Christmas, bought an ornament made with cloves (I love the smell of cloves, don’t you?), and bars of scented soaps. Not pastel flowery soaps, I don’t like those. Ours have scents like mango and spice and lavender, things that make me feel sensual and a little exotic, rather than puffed up on roses. I also got a little bar of dark blueberry lavender chocolate. Mmm…

And then we picked up a little Christmas tree, the kind you put on the table. It’s a nice tree, and it gives the house that pine smell, that really makes me feel like it’s going to be Christmas.

Thankfully, I’ve gotten my mother a present already, and ordered A’s things already, but my brother’s present I haven’t gotten yet. I really keep leaving things for the last minute. I’m too old for this constant procrastination.

I worry sometimes that my children (who are right now nothing but wonderings and dreams of potential) won’t see Christmas as anything more than the presents. I’m not especially religious, but I do love this time of year. The gifts, the family, the bustle, the idea that once a year everyone can come together in joy and happiness and celebrate whatever Christmas means to them. I want it to be more than Black Friday and who gets what. I want the Christmas dinner where everyone passes their platters, shares their gifts and sips their drinks while everything is scented with good food and pine. I want the joy.

——————

A seems really down. He’s usually so easy going, it hurts me when he’s like this. He hasn’t called, even though he answers my texts, and I’m worried about calling- I don’t want to intrude on him if he’d rather be alone. I’m still unsure if my presence is comforting to him or not, or if he’d rather I just wait until he’s in a better mood. I hope it isn’t the later. I don’t think we’ll last, not if when he’s upset he doesn’t want me around. What if we move in together one day? Am I supposed to hide out in the house, dodging his moods? Oh, am I just worrying about this too much? I think sometimes that if I worried anymore my hair would fall out!

I think I want to tell him I love him. But I am still such a weak thing, and exposing my heart that way…I still think I don’t dare. I’ll have to show him. I’m not indifferent. I’m just…scared of stepping out on the ice. Metaphorically speaking. I’m such an indecisive creature.

I want to keep growing.

Yours,

J.J





Follow Your Heart

16 12 2011

Okay, first off, what does that mean? Are my heart and my instincts the same?

I’m asking this question because I keep hearing that advice. From A, from my mother, from a friend. I think I’m terrified of doing it because my heart is so easily wounded. How can I follow its guidance? But then, maybe it’ll let me be more honest. Sometimes, just when I’m looking at him (A), I want to say ‘I love you’. But I’ve never said it to a lover before. So this is a hell of a step for me. Is it so huge for everyone?

And how do I know I’m listening to my heart? I hope that my heart isn’t the part of me that tells me to turn tail and run, because I dislike that part of myself. I want to believe in the part of myself that wants to bring him dinner some nights, remember the little things he says, the little things he wants. But I have such doubt, so many worries about ways to get it wrong. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to get it right.

This’ll be our first Christmas together. I don’t want it to be our last one.

—————————-

My piece on my personal poly lifestyle for the day.

I think he’s going to be his other serious girl tonight. (I’ll call her SG2, just so I’ll remember.) I want to call him, but he’s busy right now, and then I don’t want to interrupt his time with her. But it doesn’t make it easier when I want to reach out to him, that I don’t relax a little bit when he argues with SG2.

I might want another lover at some point, but I don’t think this is a good time for me. Unless I meet someone I have great chemistry with, but I don’t think I’m actively seeking someone.

If I had what I’m dreaming of, we’d go looking for a third partner together in the future, a man or a woman. I think someone very easy going and calm would do well with us. But someone who would suit us, who would be happy with both of us? That’s a rare thing.

It’s not to say that I’m unhappy with the relationship we have now. I’d just prefer that we were in a triangle or square instead of me being one of the dots that’s connected to him without being connected to anyone else. Maybe I just like the idea of balance between us.

————————

Wow, this post is bouncing all over the place.

Now I’m talking about body image. Mine, depending on the day, is either ‘eh’ or ‘OMG I look like a fat whale’ or ‘I’m so sexy I’m hurting people’. I would prefer to be the third on the majority of days. Now, while I don’t have the worst body in the world, if you told me I had to stand on a street corner in my underwear for ten minutes I would probably burst into tears, and not just because December.

Now, I know, I know. I need to work out. 98% of America needs to work out too. I just have a hard time getting motivated. Looking at my body doesn’t make feel like ‘All right, yeah, let’s go work out!’ It just makes me feel defeated. But losing weight would really help my body image, and I wouldn’t have to look for bigger sizes anymore, and I would worry about my health less.

Now, part of wanting to lose weight is simple vanity. I want to wear slinky dresses and smaller sizes and not have to be limited to what comes in my size. And I’m at the beginning of plus size, in the 14-16 range. I don’t know how bigger women find anything to wear! The majority of things that are intended for plus size women are either hideous, cheap, or both. There’s a few things online, but I haven’t found a store where I can try things on that have things I’m really interested in. I know it’s more expensive to make bigger clothes, but you can’t say there’s no market for women who want cute clothes that will fit them. Just because you’re not a size 8 doesn’t mean you don’t take pride in your appearance!

…okay. Anyway. I’m hoping for a gym membership for Christmas, which gives me somewhere to go, rather than trying to do push up and Zumba in my living room. Other people also working out has the effect of making me want to put some effort in, while the apartment makes me want to lay down or go play Tetris.

I look at the super fit people and I admire their consistency and their willpower, but I don’t think I’ll ever reach that level. One, I like red velvet cake. I will eat it. Two, my favorite hobby involves sitting on my butt for hours, as I have not found a way to write and move without falling over or walking into trees. Three, I sometimes like to eat unhealthy things. While I like baby spinach and tomatoes and steamed shrimp, sometimes I want pizza and fried chicken wings, and I want to eat them. But I want to work out so I can indulge sometimes without crushing guilt. (I don’t think I have a very healthy relationship with food…)

Speaking of food, I have some big shrimp and prosciutto that are calling my name, begging to be cooked. So, until next time.

Yours,

J.J

 





Oh God I’m in a serious relationship

16 12 2011

When I met up with A today, he was super morose. His moroseness was practically oozing out of his pores. He talked about having to admit to someone that he’d been using them (and wasn’t that interesting), but then I get the ‘we have to talk’ bit. I, being me, and by that I mean ‘insecure as hell’, assume he’s going to break up with me and try to walk away. But oh no, that’s not what he means. He feels neglected, and that, from what I gathered, that he’s far more invested in this relationship than I am, and gives me a month to change my behavior, or he’s done. I think all the time limit is doing is making me nervous, and making me feel tested, but I don’t want to break up with him either. But I’m not sure if I know what I’m supposed to be doing! Am I supposed to be sweeter? He’s told me he loves me, am I supposed to say it back? I’ve felt like saying it, but it’s terrifying, and the last time I told someone I loved them they broke off contact with me.

Maybe I secretly want to go back to not being accountable to anyone, but then I think about not seeing him anymore, not being able to go back to him, and I get sad. He’s not my ideal (in that he doesn’t look Misha Collins and can get snappy), but there’s a difference between some dreamed up ideal that’s about as substantial as water vapor, and a real person who offers you love. Which brings me to the worry that maybe my feelings for him are based on his feelings for me. As if he stopped loving me, would I still feel the same way about him? Is that what it means to be in love with someone? I don’t know!

And in the meantime, how can I make him feel valued? I could cook him dinner, clean up his apartment? I already ordered his Christmas present, and I might buy one more thing, and maybe try to listen to him more? We don’t live together, so I can’t be waiting with slippers and a cocktail when he gets home (not that I’d be waiting with a cocktail even if he did, but I might have coffee or soup or something). But I might come over and make some food for him, or give him back rubs or…I don’t even know if these are good ideas!

I hope he likes his Christmas present. It was on his wish list! I hope he likes it. Maybe I should give him something more special…but giving him what he wants can’t be too off, right? One thing I can give him in front of other people, the other thing I’ll give to him privately, I guess, and maybe I should come up with something that can only be given behind closed doors. I hope he doesn’t think I didn’t put thought into his gift or something…

On a side note, I think I should seek out more female companionship, whether it’s a lover or a new friend. I’m always associating with boys. Girls are fun too! There is something to be said for a female companion who’ll laugh and cuddle with you, even if you never get to kiss her. Which is actually a little sad for someone like me, because I haven’t had a real solid relationship with a girl in a long time. Or ever really, because the only time I thought I had one it turned out it wasn’t mutual. Maybe A and I can find a girl we both like. Or maybe I don’t want to share a girl with him, and I want one of my very own! (Pfft. Like a girl’s a teddy bear or something. No, I don’t think women are objects.)

Well, it’s late now, and hopefully I’m a little more together tomorrow.

Yours,

J.J





Let’s Talk About Sex

15 12 2011

Those with delicate sensibilities, be warned.

I like sex. Sometimes I love sex. Love it like chocolate covered strawberries and whipped cream and satin sheets. All of which go very well with sex. And since I’ve been in a relationship for a while (six months in another week, which is eons for me), I actually get sex on a semi regular basis. I say semi because between his other partners, the fact that he works full-time, and I sleep over about once a week, we have sex about once a week. Now, back when I hadn’t gotten any for a while, once a week would have sounded great to me. But now? It’s as if my libido was sleeping, and then the second it was offered sex again it woke up, and now it has no interest in going back down for a nap. I don’t know if there’s a set number of days a week I want/need/desire/ sex, or if it’s just a free for all, or what, but this isn’t doing it for me. I know being dissatisfied with your sex life is pretty common, but I haven’t felt like this before. Then again, this is a long-term relationship. The rules and the day-to-day stuff is all different! Before if I wanted sex, I just went out and got it like I was getting a half-gallon of milk. But that got boring. Maybe I’m just easily dissatisfied?

Maybe it’s the sex itself. It seems like we keep doing the same thing over and over like we’re following a play book. Little bit of foreplay, play with our hands a bit, a little bit of licking, some missionary, then we finish up in doggy style. I wonder if he does the same thing with his other lovers. I hope he’s not having the same sex with multiple people because, boring. I mean, I guess I could go out and find someone I’m interested in and ask for A’s permission to hook with them, but I’d rather try to get our sex a little more exciting again. I’m not totally vanilla either, so I’m pretty open-minded. I mean, anything that usually ends up in a toilet is right out, but if you want to tie my wrists and tell me I’m bad I’m game. (I realize saying things like that leaves me vulnerable to unscrupulous sorts, but I do have standards, I’m happy to say.) I guess I can just tell him that I want to spice things up, but I don’t want to come off as if I’m just laying back and thinking of England or something. I know he’s tired often-maybe we should arrange a whole weekend in bed and we can play. I haven’t had consistent sex with the same person in years. I’ve forgotten the proper manners for this.

I guess I’ve evolved as a person. The old me would have just gone off and done someone else and the hell with this. I’m maturing! I’m quite excited!

…but I still don’t know how to say ‘I want different sex’ without sounding rude. Maybe I’ll go for the ‘jump and ravage’ approach. That’s still cool, right?





The first post of a directionless 25 year old

13 12 2011

This is going to be the blog of, as the title says, a directionless 25 year old who is looking for direction, a path in life, fulfillment. Not so strange, right? I’m also bisexual, in a poly relationship, and have enough issues for about five people. And this isn’t going to be censored, it’s going to be however I feel like talking about it, so those of you with really delicate sensibilities might want to take your leave.

To be technical, I’m going to be twenty-five years old in a few weeks, and I feel like I’m not really going anywhere. It’s like I’ve extended my adolescence to the point where it’s either pathetic, contemptible, or pitiful. I’m still essentially dependent on my mother for everything. It’s not out of laziness, or at least, not entirely.

I’ve been taken care of my entire life, so I’ve never really been challenged to push myself. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and a subset of PTSD. The end result is that I’m easily stressed out, I don’t handle a schedule well, and it’s not easy for me to relate to people. So it’s easier to hide inside and not confront the entire world. And emotionally eat. Luckily I haven’t eaten myself into obesity yet, but here’s hoping I get some motivation to, bluntly, get off my ass.

It’s sort of amazing, but I have a boyfriend. He’s pretty sweet to me, but we have so much friction sometimes it’s like getting constant rug burn. He wants me to grow up, I guess so I can be a partner for him. One of his partners anyway. He likes me, hell, maybe he even loves me, but he doesn’t want to be constantly taking care of me. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want a partner I had to constantly care for either. I want to be able to stand by his side with pride of my own. I want to grow.

Part of me wants a conventional relationship, just me and one other person, and we only have to share with each other. Well, we could swing. For anyone who doesn’t know what swinging is, it’s basically having a committed relationship, but one or both of you have sex outside the relationship, within whatever guidelines you come up with, usually without a relationship beyond the sex. My boyfriend, who for convenience I’ll call A, and I don’t do that. Well, not yet anyway. But he does have other people he’s with, so that’s interesting. At the moment, I have no other lovers, and since I’m his submissive (Oh, did I not mention that? Well, I am. The power dynamics are quite interesting), I have to essentially ask permission before pursuing someone beyond flirting.

Part of me enjoys the control, his restrictions. But part of me doesn’t. I want to deny that I enjoy it, I want to snap the bonds between and revel in boundless sexuality and affairs. But to do that I would have to abandon him forever. And I don’t want to give up the nights I can spend in his arms, the laughter, the thrills he grants me, the promises of more time together. So I stay. And when someone interests me enough to ask for his consent, then I think I will.

So, this is the beginning. The beginning of my hope that I can grow, and change, and find the elusive fairy known as happiness. If anyone reads this, well…then you’ve read it. I’ll keep writing, in any case. This may seem aimless, or pointless, but doesn’t life often seem that way?