Going Out, and Falling Down

17 02 2013

 

I went out last night, and it was fun-not an epic night by any means, but fun. I am also now totally broke, ha ha.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a night out if I didn’t do something socially awkward. First I sent BB a dirty message, because heaven forbid I relate to any man without some sort of sexual overtone. And then I tried to talk to this guy and he turned his back on me after essentially ignoring my question. Talk about embarrassing, and then I completely freaked out, of course.

Big C was all ‘Yeah, you need to relax, your guard is so obviously up that it puts people off.’ I am so frustrated with myself I feel like kicking something.

I am a lot better than I used to be, but I realize that I’m…almost never really relaxed. I’m not as constantly on edge and wired as I used to be, but I’m not comfortably socially, and I’m wary of unfamiliar situations or anything overly stimulating. I also don’t know how to just…be. Just enjoy what I’m doing. Big C is all ‘Don’t make meeting people a goal and just be out.’ I think it’s part of the ‘don’t take fulfillment from sex and being valued by other people’ thing. (A said that too, but I’m more willing to take it from Big C because he’s not crazy and less judgmental about it.) But it’s a lot harder than it sounds. It’s been so ingrained that I don’t really know how not to do it. It also probably doesn’t help that I have no fulfillment in anything in my life right now.

Losing weight sort of makes me happy, but not really. The last twenty pounds seem a long way away. I have no job, and while I love my writing I wonder if I’ll ever be able to make it part of my life. I like my ceramic class, but I don’t know if that’s fulfilling. It’s entertaining for a few hours and then I’m down again. I don’t like these down swings. I just feel defeated.

Then there’s the whole I have no social circle thing. I mean, I have Big C. That’s it. I would like to make some friends but I am crap at meeting people, social situations stress me out, apparently I don’t give off the most welcoming vibes anyway, and I have a hard time maintaining relationships.

Big C says that part of the problem is that while everyone has leaps to make and needs to fulfill, I have a lower starting point due to my past. It’s like a lot of other people are starting from even ground and I’m starting from a well. If other people miss their leaps, they just land flat-they can still keep walking. If I miss, and feel down, I plummet, and so I have to climb all the way back up before I can keep going again. And I hate to say ‘it’s not fair’ because life is not fair, it’s not as if there’s some set of rules and some cosmic force is cheating in order to continually keep screwing me over. It just is what it is. (I hate that phrase by the way. I always have. It never makes anything clearer or better, it’s just like a shrug and it makes me want to kick something.)

In case it seems like I’m whining (and honestly, if it does, I don’t really care) let me try to give an example of how I feel. I have to take pills in order to function, because otherwise I can’t go outside of my house without panicking.  Any prolonged social situation either exhausts me or stresses me out. Even if I’m enjoying myself, by the next day I’m raw and I have to keep myself isolated. If I am approached by a strange man my first thought is how I can get away, just in case. I have very little sense of fulfillment in my life, and I am simultaneously very lonely and misanthropic. I have a hard time with appropriate social interaction. I am never relaxed, not really, the unsettled feeling never goes away even if I’m sitting still, and I’m always ready to react. I don’t trust and am sometimes desperate for a connection. I am sometimes inappropriately sexual, ashamed of my sexuality, and I still occasionally think about hurting myself. Not out of any real desire to die, just out of exhaustion. You threaten suicide or hurt yourself and then they lock you up for a little while, keep you from the world. I feel inadequate and frustrated and like I was born without the proper instruction manual. It seems like there will never be any end to this. And I’m so tired.

The worst part is that if I don’t come to love and embrace myself, how can I ever expect anyone else to do it? Big C does, but he’s not what I would call a typical man in any case, and it’s not like that with us anyway. My mother does, but she’s my mother. That’s about it. I wish I could just go away.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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Valentine’s Day

14 02 2013

And I’m at home watching SVU. (It’s a Golden Age episode, AKA Cabot’s first round as ADA, when she and Benson were all up in each other’s space and UST and LesYay. Oh baby I love this. I would be in that sandwich in a hot second. Only thing better would be a Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock/Colin Morgan sandwich. Those of you who like men…

That’s Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock. If you have not seen BBC’s Sherlock, stop reading this and do so. Now. My dream man, ladies and gentlemen. Intelligent, insufferable, and cheekbones to spare.

And this


is Colin Morgan. Me-yow. That sandwich would be a Valentine for the ages. Yum.

So I’m solo for Valentine’s Day. And you know what? I’m cool with it. 🙂

I actually got asked out for Valentine’s Day, we just didn’t go because he has flu, and then he has a work retreat. He says he’s sad that he can’t see me for several days. Isn’t he sweet? I’m trying not to get too attached too soon, but I think this is going to be fun. Still think about BB. I am tres cross with him. I also wonder if he has a Valentine. Meh.

And you know what else?

I hate and love Valentine’s Day. I hate the enforced ‘you’d better get me something I like or you’re sleeping on the couch’ stereotype that women seem to keep fulfilling  I hate the bitterness, and the idea that being in a relationship is a superior state.

But there’s lots of pink. I like pink. And chocolate. But good chocolate, not Russell Stover crap that you buy for ten bucks in Duane Reade. If someone bought me that I would be very irritated. Hold out for good chocolate, everyone!

Tonight, I have RED VELVET CAKE! It is good. I may go and have some more. Or Froot Loops. Whichever. Sugar…I should probably do another workout or something. A lot of workouts.

In other news, I’m going to this job evaluation thing that my case worker sent me too. It was four hours of paperwork, and it’s going to go on for another ten business days. If I suddenly vanish with no trace from the internet, it’s because I died of boredom and my corpse was reanimated to be used as a clerical service drone. Whoop whoop.

I’m on the phone with Big C. We talked about metaphorical sky diving. …it makes sense in context. I will try it.

Okay, serious topic time! If you don’t want to read this part, good night!

I am thinking that, if things with Greek Guy don’t go anywhere, I just might not date for a while. I mean, I’m not in the best place to date anyone. I’m in a better place, but I have serious issues.

1. During key points of my development, I was conditioned to interlink sex with affection, especially from men.

2. I take fulfillment from sex and from being desired by other people (another result of my conditioning), so when I don’t feel wanted or sexually fulfilled, I am down on myself.

3. I can’t have sex casually with someone I even vaguely like because my brain, even more so than the average female’s, forms an attachment. (No, I’m not being sexist, it’s biological. Sex=possible baby=responsibility=responsibility is better shared.)

So, maybe I should focus on something else.

Okay, on a lighter note: Glee makes no sense. I still love that damn show. Also (SPOILER) OMG QUINNTANA HAPPENED.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Snowy Day Pondering

10 02 2013

I finally got my snow! YAY!

My aunt is kinda racist. Not yay. It’s a little sad when I remember I’m the most liberal in my family, like I was supposed to be born to a pair of progressive lesbians whose biggest issue with me is that I like to sleep with men and they don’t have much wisdom on them.

My issue with my aunt is that she asked a racist woman to work as a treasurer for her organization, and I can’t understand how she could want to work with someone like that, and why she would put someone in a position that involves dealing with people who is obviously prejudiced. It’s like saying that it’s okay. If I ever meet with that woman again, I will say something to her, even if she does the ‘Oh, I’m not racist’ backtracking thing. I hate that, I would almost prefer someone who had no shame in admitting that they believed in what they said. They’d still be wrong, but at least they wouldn’t be trying to back out of it.

But on a happier note, my dog loved the snow, and so did I.

***

Now it’s Sunday, and…I HAD A DATE! Please cue the fireworks.

From Okcupid, of all places. He’s Greek, tall, an appealing face, and a gentleman. Only downsides are the facial hair (I really don’t like facial hair) and…well…he can’t kiss. Oy vey. I guess I will have to teach him how I like to be kissed, no?

But he bought me dinner, helped me up the  curb, held up my coat for me to put it on…textbook gentleman. We talked for five hours. I like him. And we’ve texted a little, and I’ve asked him out for Valentine’s Day. Via text, and he hasn’t answered yet, but I asked. So, we see how it goes. At the very least, it was a nice experience. I can’t wait to tell my therapist! Is that weird, that I get excited about telling my therapist things?

I’ve gained two and a half pounds. I am decidedly cross about this. But I’m just going back on plan, I know I’ve been fudging it. But I have been working out more, so that’s something, right? Besides, dinner and dessert tonight were only five points. Go me.

Since my head hurts (and I’m really hoping it isn’t turning into a migraine), I’m going to wind up this post. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Update: Well, he’s busy Thursday, but at least he said rest, talk later, and kisses. That was sweet. Not a bad end to a first date in a while. Really not bad at all.

And I will wait on BB’s e-mails. MEH.

Sincerely yours.

J.J





Writing In Barnes and Noble

7 02 2013

I wanted to write in Starbucks today, but I went to three and all of them were unbearably crowded, so I ended up in a big Barnes and Noble instead. Which is fine, since my usual reaction to B&N is YAY BOOKS OMG I LOVE BOOKS AND OVERPRICED STARBUCKS COFFEE OH BABY.

But first off, there are too many people doing the ‘I didn’t actually buy coffee and therefore have no right to a cafe table’ thing. I know you want to sit and read, but there are chairs in the store for that exact purpose. Go and sit there so that laptop people (such as myself) have somewhere to sit! There’s two girls at a table and one of them isn’t even writing or reading, she’s playing some game on her iPad. Go sit on the floor! (I also desire an iPad.)

It’s not as cold as outside, but someone needs to jack up the heat. I’m cold. I told someone, but I doubt that they actually raised the heat.

Side note: I have seventeen followers. I know in the numbers of the internet that is minuscule, but to me? AWESOME. ::waves to the followers:: (I misspelled minuscule three times and the spell check gave me ‘leguminous’ as a suggestion. What?)

I also think the barista (a girl) might have been flirting with me, but since I have no game, I don’t have the nerve to go over there and flirt back, especially since it would be tres awkward to come back here and see her again. She’s not that cute. She’s cute, but not ‘risk getting a homophobic flame in front of half the cafe’ cute. Very few people are that cute. Also, I am a chicken. BUWAK. ….is that a chicken noise? In my head it does, but on the page it looks like a congested cow.

I also have to pee, but if I get up this seat will not be here when I get back. And I have no idea where the restrooms are.

…maybe this post should have been called ‘Bitching about attempting to write in Barnes and Noble’ instead. Also, it’s supposed to snow, but I haven’t seen so much as a flurry, so whatever. And BB lives, sending me notes about writer’s block. He’s so cute. Sigh.

It’s dark out, my laptop battery is dying, and now I really need to pee so I guess I will see all seventeen of you later. (Tee hee.)

Plugged in again to make two notes. One: the bathroom in Barnes and Noble has a sign about flushing with the word ‘flush’ in quotation marks. …is flush a euphemism for something that I don’t want to know about?

Two: This Barnes and Noble kicks the one in my neighborhood’s ass. Four floors, bigger cafe. But one thing the one in my neighborhood does better? More places to sit down, and they let you sit on the floor. This one has signs everywhere forbidding that.

Glee’s on in ten minutes, which means it is almost time for my weekly nonsensical poppy music fest!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





On My Own

5 02 2013

Today’s post is named after the song from Les Miserables, and my thoughts on loving a shadow. There is going to be some frank mentioning of dark things, so…read with caution? I never know how to warn for these things, and since this blog is pretty anonymous, I don’t really know who’s reading it.

 

I am perfectly aware that my crush on BB is entirely in my mind; it’s a security blanket, something I can wrap up in and use as an emotional outlet. As the song says, ‘And I know it’s only in my mind, that I’m talking to myself, and not to him’. He can be my dream lover, because I don’t have a chance to actually entangle myself emotionally with him. I can separate love and sex like I always do, so I don’t have to try and find both together, which unnerves me. Or maybe I just don’t understand it; my wires are crossed, so to speak. Abuse during my sexual development really helped my psyche along.

After doing some reading, apparently a lot of people who were sexually abused during childhood have this problem. You don’t associate sex with love, it has different associations. This only seems to apply to sex with men, in my case. I don’t have the same hang ups with sex with women, but I think I desire more of a connection with a man because I grew up with no true father figure. Okay, no more Psych 101 stuff.

So I can sleep with men, but only with ones that don’t have any ability to love me, and vice versa. And I develop emotional attachments to guys like BB, who was quite sweet to me, but isn’t interested and is emotionally unavailable. Which makes him completely safe, since I know that he’ll never love me and therefore can’t hurt me since I’ve already accepted that.  If he suddenly confessed to a burning passion for me, I’m sure I’d be happy about it, but I’m sure I would find a way to end it or screw it up. Or maybe not, because he’s thousands of miles from here and therefore I wouldn’t have to deal with him every day.

And for all my logic and explanations, I still hope every day that he’ll e-mail me, and I love that feeling of hope. Even if it’s just a projection, it makes me feel good. But unrequited feelings are too much trouble, they don’t go anywhere and they can’t grow. Eventually you grow out of them, or at least I do, but in the meantime you make mistakes. I’m trying to go to singles events and things; maybe if I find someone else, I won’t think about him.

Right now, it’s just more of the same. I’m sort of bored, to be honest. I want to explore. At least I have a part time gig. Maybe a little money will cheer me up, huh?

Sincerely yours,

J.J