Back Again

30 03 2012

 

A and I are probably going to meet next weekend. I’m not sure how I feel about it. That’s all I’m saying.

 

Went to my first Weight Watchers meeting! Whoo! Go me! I’ve already been using the tracker, which I have fun with, and I’m already doing what I call ‘points thinking’. It’s better than calorie counting, which just makes me obsessive. Points thinking is more like making healthy choices and thinking about what I’m putting in my mouth. (Ha ha ha.) But seriously, I’m looking more at the labels, and making different snacking choices. For instance, most fruits and vegetables are worth zero points, so that means I can eat them all up without not having points to spare on other things, and I’m not being obsessive, I just have limits now. And with weekly points you get to use however you want, and activity points (which I like to rack up and use for treats), I don’t feel like I can’t splurge a little bit. I hope I can keep it up. However, I need a scale like woah, because I have no idea how much an ounce so I have to sort of fudge it.

And now I’m totally thrilled, because [drum roll] I have followers! YAY! Hi guys, all four of you have made me smile from ear to ear. I’m…not entirely sure why I’m being followed, because this is all about my voice, but I’m glad you found something you like reading in all this!

And now for something more serious that I’m annoyed about. I went to the gym, started putting my stuff in a locker. A woman says hello to me in an overly boisterous way, the same way you would say hello to a little kid in a condescending way. I had never seen her before, and she said ‘Oh, I thought you were one of the women who works here. Hello anyway.’ Now, I don’t resemble those women in any way except one: I’m not Caucasian, and neither are they. But apparently that was enough for her to assume that I was one of the employees, because apparently there’s no visual difference between me, a darker skinned Indian woman, and the three Spanish women with various skin tones.

As for the shooting of Trayvon Martin, something everyone seems to have an opinion on these days…I don’t know. No one really saw what went on, even the one witness had a hard time seeing in the dark and the rain. Part of me is convinced that a teenage boy with no weapon is hardly any threat to a fully grown large man with a gun. Martin could have been scared because Zimmerman was following him, and might have lashed out, but I doubt someone who is afraid is going to assault someone to the point that Zimmerman claimed. And there was evidence that Zimmerman was following him, confronted him, which would mean he created the situation. …I guess I do think it wasn’t self-defense. It’s murky at best.  All anyone really knows is that a boy was killed. I think it was unnecessary, and that Zimmerman should probably be punished. How threatening was Trayvon anyway?

 

Side note: Toddlers and Tiaras (a show about child glitz pageants on TLC) is creepy. Like I’m sure pedophiles watch it like porn. And the mothers that push their daughters into these overly sexualized beauty contests are all fat and unattractive. Wish fulfillment through their children, me thinks. In any case, they need to at least get rid of the bathing suit part of the competition. It seems pointless, other than to sexualize the girls, which is gross because the oldest girls in these things are about twelve. Again, GROSS. I don’t like beauty pageants with adult women in them, so with little girls? No. We sexualize women enough in this culture already, we don’t need to place so much emphasis on the appearance of prepubescent girls. Especially when they have enough makeup on that you’d need a paint scraper to get it off.

 

I have no money. And still no job. And about a hundred things that I want/need. Like a new laptop. And a new phone. And things to help with my Weight Watchers. And all the costs of daily living. I mean, I’m significantly more fortunate than a lot of jobless people because I know my mom will take care of me, but I would like to be able to take care of myself. And I know she struggles with money sometimes, so I don’t want to be an additional burden. But I haven’t gotten one nibble, not one! …I guess I’ll send out more copies of my resume, which I don’t think reflects well on me at all, I am much more capable than my resume would indicate. To make up for it, I guess my cover letters will have to be more kick ass. But there’s only so much you can sell yourself, I guess. I need to find someone I know who’ll recommend me. I think you probably get more of a shot that way.

So on that note, I’m going to go look for more jobs on craigslist!

Sincerely yours,

J.J

Advertisements




Learning To Say No

25 03 2012

I am terrible at saying no, even when I really want to. Example: Last night, friend who I’ll call Teddy (I call him that because he looks like a stereotypical big black guy, and he’s really a good guy at heart) calls and asks if I want to go to a party with him, because he needs a partner to get in. I have to get up early tomorrow, so I knew it shouldn’t, but it sounded like fun, and I felt bad saying no, so I said yes. But then I woke up this morning, and the instant I put my right foot on the floor, I cried out. (For the record, I bruised the bone in that foot a while back, so it acts up.) It’s been stiff all day, so I can hardly go out in heels and walk around. So when I told Teddy that I couldn’t go with him, he got mad and now I feel bad and…well, I’m going to make him sugar cookies to say I’m sorry.

But if I’d just said no in the first place, then none of this would have happened! I’m always so worried about making people mad or disappointing them I hem and haw and drag my feet and then just end up agreeing. It’s not good. I guess I’ll have to practice?

On another note. I’m hungry today. But all I’ve eaten so far is two slices of Asiago cheese bread and mini muffins and some raspberry lemonade water, and now I’m eating carrots and humus. I feel like a rabbit whose owner doesn’t know what to feed it. It’s like I’m lacking appetite, but not the hunger and I can’t find something that interests me. …I suppose that might be a good thing, but I like food, dang it. And now there’s a pizza in the oven. No, I didn’t make it, it’s from the supermarket. Ooh, that’s an idea, making pizza.

It is definitely a down on myself day. It’s one of those ‘nothing fits I hate how I look I’m so gross’ sort of days. Probably because it’s hot and I don’t have any shirts to wear except this top that I found that looks like a maternity shirt.

[Two Days Later]

Back from the Healing Drum Circle. The capitals are to indicate that fact that it is special. It was an interesting experience; I’m not religious, but everyone joining together to hope for something else was almost uplifting. I say almost because a lot of people got emotional, I was standing there in my African style clothes (which was cool and everything, but it was chilly and those are not warm), and the thoughts that were at the forefront of my mind? ‘Geez it’s cold.’ ‘When do we get to go inside, I’m cold’ and ‘Aw, this is nice. I should say something…when’s my turn?’

Then we got to go eat. After someone said a prayer, of course, because after an entire spiritual experience, we have to pray in order to eat. People had food already, so that was just sort of awkward, and it wasn’t a ‘Bless this food, o Lord, and bless this company’ grace, it went on a bit and I’m all ‘I’m hungry, get on with it, someone’s already salivating over the chicken’. But then we got to mingle, a lot of people went home, and those of us who were staying over decided not to go out (well, not so much decided as got guilted into staying in) and we played Uno, which was fun, actually. Beer and people who know each other well generally mix very pleasantly.  There was the usual questioning of the rules, because there are plenty of variations on the game, and we actually changed the rules between games. There’s something to be said for game nights.

[Inserts Drumroll]

I finally joined Weight Watchers! Whoo! …and I went through all of my points for today and all but six of my extra weekly points, from this morning to right now. Please excuse my language, but GOD DAMMIT. Oh well. I better make it up during the rest of the week. Fried chicken breast, on Weight Watchers, is 11 points. My points for the day, without exercise points? (They’re called Activity points, but whatever.) I’ve got 30. I had fried chicken, french fries, lemonade, bacon. I did bad today. But I’ll do better tomorrow. I’ll have to, because there’s a wedding in June, and I am going to be thinner by the time I have to go.

Well, good night all, and have a good tomorrow.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





The End of The Tustle

21 03 2012

Well, Staples, after three months, hasn’t gotten my laptop back to me. So I decided I wanted my four hundred dollars and my broken laptop back. They gave me the cash right away, which to be honest shocked me, because I expected their usual hemming and hawing and pussy footing around. I still don’t have the laptop, of course, but if they don’t send it back to me I probably won’t fuss about it too much because it doesn’t work. But they shouldn’t get to keep it, so I’ll make a little of a fuss on principle. My verdict, after all this, is still the same: Never going back there, at least not for tech services or a computer. I’ll probably go for notebooks or something, but I am never returning to tech support hell. (Apparently the company Staples contracts the computers out to, Blue…Mountain, Horizon…Blue something, their contract is running out. I shall write to Staples and tell them to get a tech company with some consistency, and not tell their customers something is going to be done in two weeks when they don’t know it’s going to be done.)

But now, I have to save up for another laptop. (I think I want a laptop, rather than a tablet, since what do I do most on the computer? Type/blog/surf the net.) But now it’s time for research, because I don’t know what I want. I don’t really play games like W0W (partly because hello timesuck), and I think I’d rather watch movies on TV…unless there’s a way to watch what’s on the laptop on my television? I’ve heard of that, but I’m not sure if my television has the ability to do it, it’s sort of old. Besides, I watch a ton of television, more than movies. (Really, I watch way too much television. I blame my current lack of employment.) So I need a laptop that can save lots of documents, and stays up to speed. Also, I’m thinking I might want to try my hand at making videos, but that’s not really a necessity. I basically just need it to work, and not be so big that I can’t carry it around…well, I guess I can keep looking, right?

Today, I got my new skirts from Eloquii! And…they fit! Yay! I got this one, in a 14W, and it’s super cute on. It’s a little long, I think, but I could take it up an inch. But it’s perfect with heels, which I usually have on anyway (being 5’3 makes me crave a little height) so I’m excited about it. I also got this one, which makes me feel very va-va-voom, but not so va-va-voom that I couldn’t wear it to work. …if I had work to go to, but at least I have a base for interview outfits now. I’ve missed wearing skirts, I think I’ve been wearing the same six outfits for months.

Gaining weight made me feel unattractive, still does. I’ve missed looking at myself in the mirror and smiling at my reflection, I’ve missed the sparkling feeling that said ‘You’re pretty, you’re attractive, you’re a sexy woman’ that no one but you can give yourself. Seeing myself in the mirror, trying the skirt on, I felt it. Just for a few seconds, but it was there. I want to keep feeling that, I want to glance at myself in store windows again and see myself as dazzling.

On that note-I haven’t been to the gym in a week and one day, mostly because I’ve been sick, and I haven’t been to my support group in about two weeks either. I know I have to go back to the gym, and I think I’m starting to miss it. Actually, that’s not true, I haven’t. But I’m still going back. I need to get my butt in the pool and on the rowing machine. Apparently the rowing machine is the best cardio in the gym. The pool is just personal preference. I think I need a little work on my strokes. (…nah, too easy.)

I do miss my support group. I think part of me thinks that I shouldn’t need it, but that’s detrimental to my recovery. I have issues, and I know it, and getting help carries no shame. I guess part of me thinks groups like this are for alcoholics or addicts or whatever, but I do engage in self-defeating and self-damaging behaviors, so I think I should go back. Leaning on other people a little might be all right.

Nutrition notes of the day: A scaled down can of Sprite has 90 calories, and 24 grams of sugar. Women are supposed to have that much sugar in a day. God damn. No wonder Americans have problems with sugar intake, it’s everywhere, and more than you’d think. I have a hard time finding cereal that isn’t drenched in sugar but that doesn’t also taste like cardboard. I rediscovered Kix…and then I bought Asiago bread. Actually, that might work. Then I don’t have to put cheese on anything. …or maybe I just like cheesy bread. Oh well. One thing at a time.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 





Thinking on the BMI and other things

19 03 2012

 

I think we need some work on the BMI, or Body Mass Index. I’m probably more aware of it because according to BMI standards, I’m obese. OBESE. …I am not svelte, and I admit that. But the word ‘obese’ implies so many things: sick, gross, lazy, beyond fat. It upsets me, and my issues with weight are relatively minor. I can’t believe how it would sound to someone with serious body image issues. And, it doesn’t account for differences in body fat vs. muscles, or in body frame size. I mean, why are doctors using this? There must be another way, ones that don’t use obese for someone like me, who’s…pudgy? Squishy? Obese makes it sound like I’m 350 pounds and sedentary on the couch eating doughnuts all day, and it’s a heavy weight to bear. I’m not denying that I’m overweight, but I’m not obese.  It’s like everyone’s so worried about the obesity epidemic they’re trying to scare people skinny, but we need a new system.

Maybe this is all a product of knowing I’m going to the doctor on Wednesday and I know she’s going to yell at me for only losing a few pounds. Which is a little ridiculous in and of itself, she’s my doctor, I should be comfortable with her, not worry she’s going to scold me. It’s just adding shame to my lack of body confidence. …not that my doctor should be afraid to tell me if I’m going in the wrong direction, I just don’t want to be too afraid to ask questions.

 

I still crave sugar. Not as much as I used to, but I still love Frappucinos, cake, cupcakes, all those things. I tried to stop eating them entirely, and the result of that was…not binging, but compulsive eating and more craving. So I think I’m going to have them once in a while, and stress about them less, because I think the stress is less healthy than the snack. I’m just trying to plan my meals more, because not having a meal planned usually leads to a meal at McDonald’s or Wendy’s, which probably have the same nutritional value as a Styrofoam cup deep-fried and sprinkled with salt. It’s not that I don’t hunger for Chinese or other fast food on occasion, but I find myself much more satisfied with a bison burger (yum), mashed sweet potatoes (MMM) and corn and edamame salad (yum yum yum) than chicken nuggets, fries, and a soda or a Frosty. I don’t even like soda that much anymore, but if it’s there, I drink it.

I have, however, discovered the trick of Crystal Light. Water, as good as it is for me, gets boring something. Crystal Light as about 10 calories in a packet, and it helps to mix it up. I find I get bored if I have to eat or drink the same thing constantly, so this prevents me from drinking something with 26 grams of sugar and 150 calories instead. Anyone who has a hard time trying to kick soda or juice, this might be something you want to try.

Another thing I’m trying is my new candle. It’s a stress relief candle from the Bath and Body Works, and I think the scent of it is actually helping. If I’m stressed, I nibble. Not as stressed, less nibbling. I’ll keep it up for a few weeks, see if I notice a difference.

 

And now, a moment for A. I haven’t really thought about him today, but yesterday I was all down about him, in a weighing on my mind sort of way. I still can’t tell if I miss him, if I just miss the sex, if I just miss having someone around who thinks I’m pretty, if I just miss ‘having a boyfriend’. I wonder if I would feel this way if there was someone else in my life? I almost wish he would call again, saying ‘I really want to see you’, and that he couldn’t wait for me to call…but that might be creepy, now that I think about it. Maybe we could make it work, but so far everyone seems to be saying, to quote a friend, ‘Run, don’t walk. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. This is bad.’ …I suppose this is just another reason adult relationships are complicated and difficult. …I don’t even know. I guess I have to bring it up in therapy. Again. Don’t I have enough stuff to talk about, between my intimacy issues, my general anxiety, my general angst, and my lack of faith in myself? I have to drag around my ex as well? I wish I could just kick my feelings for him, forget about him, but I guess having a heart doesn’t work like that.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

 





Doing for me

14 03 2012

 

I told A I didn’t want to meet him! Because he made me feel terrible, because he hurt me, because I realized I don’t have to stand for something that makes me feel disrespected! I’m really doing for me now.

It’s not that I’m not conflicted about it, it isn’t that part of me doesn’t want to call him and say that I want to see him, because when we were good, we were good. But I don’t think anyone has made me cry the way he did, I guess it’s true that the ones you love can hurt you much worse than people you don’t care about.

When I told him that I didn’t want to meet with him, he left me this long voicemail, saying that I was disrespecting the relationship that we had, that I would jerking him around, and that if I didn’t want to meet with him I should just say so. I ending up telling him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, and he said that he would wait for me to contact him. I might want to meet with him for closure, but I don’t think I’m going to get back with him. I think he was somewhat manipulative, and that last incident with kicking me out of bed and leaving me to cry to was too disrespectful. I can’t forgive that, especially when he doesn’t seem to think he did anything wrong, and hasn’t even tried to apologize.

I think I can do better, and I’m going to look for better. For someone who is kind and romantic, and probably a little dorky, and sweet. Heck, A said it himself; I got a self-confidence boost, and I see that I can do better. …huh, that’s interesting.

However, I don’t think my new love will be found on OKCupid, because I either get messages like this: ‘hey sexy i like ur pic’, or messages that just say ‘hi’, or if the message is somewhat decent, then the person is…lacking? Maybe I’m too picky, but I think I’m one of those people who would rather be single than be with someone just for the sake of being with them. …maybe I should have figured that out earlier.

 

On an unrelated note, I was trying to get Amazon to fix my Kindle, and while they do have help available, they need to tell their phone consultants to slow. down. Both of the people I spoke to had thick accents, and they spoke very quickly. The end result was me not understanding a word they said. See, I think it’s inconsiderate, especially when you’re on the phone, to just sort of go on. It may be because I always talk fast, and it takes considerable effort on my part to speak at a speed that other people understand. So when other people do it, it irks me. However…MY KINDLE IS FIXED! YAY! At least I have my Kindle, because I still don’t have my laptop. Rawr. Staples still has it, and they told me it would be done in a week. Uh, no. It’s been at least two weeks, and this is after they ‘fixed’ it the first time. And their customer service is terrible. I am never going there again. BOO STAPLES. I should get my money back. And if the laptop breaks again, they are giving me some money for a new one, because I sure as hell am not buying it there.

I did order some skirts today, I can’t wait until they come. I have no skirts, and soon it will be spring for real, and I am so sick of pants. Hopefully they will be flattering. If not, I will have to give up on eloquii. (The Limited’s plus size clothing line, JSYK.) I can still wear them for a while, but I did lose a little more weight, so yay! I haven’t been to the gym this week, but that’s because I sound like a cross between a creaking porch and machine gunfire. Maybe I can go tomorrow? I hope so. I wanted to go to a water workout class today, but noooo. Oh well.

I’m in such a good space now, it’s sort of strange. I like the sun on my face, I like waking up. I feel, for the first time in a very long time, that I have a real chance. A real shot. Hope is such a fragile thing, I don’t dare hold onto it, but still, I can’t bear to let it go. Not you.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





What I Want

12 03 2012

 

Okay, I’m still going on, doing okay. And guess who texts me out of the blue? It’s A, who wants to know how I am, who says he’s been thinking about me. I don’t answer him for about two hours, because I’m too busy wondering what his angle is. I finally tell him that I’m all right, and I ask if he was worried. He said yes, and asked if we could meet for coffee. Cue giant question mark appearing over my head. Thinking he is just feeling guilty, I say that I’m fine, if that’s his reason for wanting to meet with me. He asks what I want to meet for. (I hate when he dodges like that.) I finally just said that coffee was fine, but I didn’t know why he wanted to see me.

Here comes the kicker. He misses me. He ‘removed everyone from [his] life who [he] is not serious about, and now that [he’s] available, [he] wants to spend time with [me]. Is that okay with [me]?’ Apparently this temporarily fried a few of my brain cells, because I said it was all right, and that coffee sounded good. (I’m already started to doubt that.) To my credit, I was skeptical when he said the only one he’s interested in is me, because two weeks ago (has it only been two weeks, really?) he seemed to be able to let me go fairly easily. I said I didn’t want to rush back into anything (yay me), and he said that was okay when I said that it’d have to be on Friday because I had things to do during the week. I’m already uncertain if I even want this meeting now. That was last night. He hasn’t called or anything. So I’m wondering if he’s just lonely, or if he’s genuine, or if I really want to get back with him. I made a list of things that I want and that I’m going to do, if I do give him another shot.

1. No collar. We can play, but I don’t want to be his sub. Not anymore, if I want to hide it, I’m not comfortable with it.

2. I say what I want and what I think. No hiding, no wishy washy passive aggressive stuff.

3. I want support, and if he wants me around, he’d better give it to me, and not on his terms. No hot and cold stuff.

4. I will look for work, I will go for VESID, I will work on my recovery, I will work on myself for me. All of it on my terms, not his.

5. I don’t want him jumping all over the place. I want some consistency from him.

6. We’re going out sometimes. I don’t want to sit around his apartment all the time.

I think it’s a good list. If I want to be with him, I will. If I don’t think he’s changed in any way, or if I think our relationship is just going to end up in the same circles, I’m breaking up with him. I have to remember that I can walk away from him at any time, that I’m not bound to him. I’ll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow, though. See what she thinks. Because part of me isn’t sure if I want to get back with him. I sort of fantasized about him wanting me back, and now that it’s a possibility, I’m not sure how I feel about it. Why text and not call? I’m so suspicious of his motives…

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 





A Working Experience

4 03 2012

I had a gig yesterday, which made me feel all productive and everything. Granted , it wasn’t the most intellectually stimulating work (filling out forms and making out guest lists and online forms and credit card numbers) but I can’t complain too much. Except I can, because geez Louise.

I was working for my aunt and one of her friends, but there were other people present. My aunt happens to be blind, but she’s more capable than some people who aren’t handicapped, and only asks for help if she really needs it, or if it is openly offered. Her guests however, are not, and seem content to stay that way, which I don’t understand.  Being dependent, for me, is beyond frustrating. Being able to do things for myself excites me, simply because my depression and anxiety makes it so hard for me. And these women, who are physically disabled, seem…almost content with the idea that someone else has to do things for them, and that someone else will do things for them. Rather than ask for a cup of coffee, they simply proclaim ‘I want coffee’, and then express how they would like it, simply expecting the coffee to appear to their satisfaction. It seems a little…presumptuous to me. Naturally, I don’t expect blind or very handicapped people to do something that would be very difficult for them, not when it would be easier and more efficient for someone else to do. However, that doesn’t make it all right for them to just take advantage of that fact, and a demand does that. My aunt, when asking for something, has always been polite, no matter who she was asking something of.

I wonder if this distaste I have for these presumptuous women has something to do with my distaste for myself, or well, the old me. The one who never did very much on her own, relied on others to read her mind or do the things she found difficult, who shied away for her own responsibilities and difficulties. I think that would make sense; I’m so hard on myself, I think that if I recognized something that I found unacceptable in myself, I would certainly look down or at least disapprove of the trait or behavior in someone else. It might be unfair, because they could be just as frustrated with their own limitations as I am, but all I have to judge them on is their behavior, which I don’t like.

I didn’t exercise today because A. I was tired, and B. I think I messed up my stupid bad ankle. Either that or it’s going to get colder. Or rain. Either one. Or both, it doesn’t matter. My ankle doesn’t like any change in weather. I’m still having a hard time with motivation, too. I mean, if I’m already out, then I’m like, ‘Oh, I guess I can go to the gym.’ But if I’m at home, cozy? I might as well be under house arrest, because I just huddle under the blankets or putter around the apartment because I can’t get up and go! It’s like there’s more than one me, but the one who wants to go keeps getting shut down. Like this:

Enthusiastic!Me: Oh, look, we’re awake! Let’s get up!

Drowsy!Me: …eh. Sleepy. ::proceeds to roll over::

Enthusiastic!Me: …come on, get up get up get up get UP!

Pessimistic!Me: There’s no point in doing anything. Let’s go get some ice cream from the freezer.

Drowsy!Me: Don’t wanna get up. Sleepy.

Enthusiastic!Me: …come on you guys, let’s go, we’ll feel better!

Pessimistic!Me: There’s no point. Nothing will make us feel better.

Drowsy!Me: I’m trying to sleep. Be. Quiet.

Enthusiastic!Me: Oh, I give up, you guys are impossible.

Me: ::doesn’t get out of bed::

And so on it goes. Tomorrow I have to get up, because I have a gig and I’ve already gotten paid for it. (Need to go to bed on time, self!) But the day after? I don’t have to be up until it’s time for therapy. But maybe if I don’t look at it as an obligation, but as a fun thing, maybe I can go? In any case, it’s on my schedule. In the meantime, I’ll try to control my sweet tooth. …Oooh, I’ll buy hummus with tahini. That is super yummy. And not hugely fattening. …I think I should be cooking dinner, but there isn’t anything defrosted. I should make a supper plan too. Hah. Supper. Who says supper anymore? Well, apparently I do, but still.

 

I started a piece with A as the inspiration. It’s good, I think. It’s a little racy too. Not too surprising, considering the source material. I mean, we were so sexual. Not that’s all we were, but it was a sexually charged relationship, when we weren’t pondering on the universe and all that. I mean, I don’t think I believed half of what was coming out of his mouth, but it was interesting. I think he was always gauging my reactions. I think he saw me as something of a student, someone who would think of him as worldly, that he could teach. Which is one of the things that I didn’t like as much, because it made me feel inferior, as much as it drew me in. Like I said, it was interesting. But as for what I think is becoming a short story, it’s not a direct telling of us, my stories never mimic life exactly, but he is the spark that started this little fire. So we’ll feel what happens, once I get to the end of it. Speaking of which, I’m going to go write and release more emotions! Yay for emotional catharsis!

Sincerely yours,

J.J