I only know where I’ve been

22 02 2012

I’m so full of everything right now that I think I might pop. Like a pimple. Gross. Moving on.

Let’s see. Well, I skipped my support group again, because I thought I’d get triggered because of my mood, and drowned in chocolate. Because that is so healthy and good for my waistline. Whatever, back on healthy food tomorrow. Might go to the gym. If I feel like it. I probably won’t. I would take photos of myself naked for motivation, but I’ve tried that. (Word to the wise: Unless you have very few issues with your body, don’t do it, especially for motivation. All I did was pick myself apart and eat chocolate and cry.) Crap, I have to go to the gym tomorrow, even if I don’t want to, I can’t go on Thursday. In the words of my coarser self: BALLS.

But let’s get to the meat of it, shall we?

I went to A’s place on Monday, because HEAVEN FORBID we go OUT for our belated Valentine’s Day. (Did you see those capitals? Those were crucial to making my point.) He was very sweet and attentive, though he did essentially refuse to go get frozen hot chocolate with me. He didn’t get me a card or a gift, so I guess he was trying to make up for it with his behavior. I still felt neglected, because I gave him cologne, sex coupons, and a Chewbacca bobblehead. (Did I mention the Chewbacca bobblehead? It’s so cute.)

Oh, wait, and we were drinking, because he’s converting to Islam (I don’t know what’s going on with that, but religion is pretty low on my list of priorities, so I don’t care so much) and Muslims don’t drink. He’s a recovering alcoholic, and we’re drinking. He’s not going crazy, I think, but I still thought it was a bad idea, yet I said some bull about respecting his judgment. Right, lying is so healthy for a relationship.

But we had a nice time, at least until it was time to go to sleep.

I’m trying to fall asleep, because I’m tired, when A brings up me trying to apply for disability again, which I don’t want to do, but apparently I lack the ability to tell him that, so he thinks that I’m just trying to stay in my bubble, rather than preferring not to take public assistance because I feel it has a stigma I would struggle with subconsciously. In any case, I have no idea why he wanted to talk about it right then. Especially since he’s the one who gets annoyed when I start talking when it’s bedtime.

So I don’t say anything, I thought he went to sleep, and I lay there. I went from thinking that I didn’t like his idea to thinking that he was frustrated with me, that he doesn’t think I’m changing fast enough, that I just want to hide from the world forever. I get so stressed out, I revert to my old stress coping mechanism of nipping at my skin. (This says something, considering I haven’t done it in about two years. I didn’t think I’d do it again. I thought it was past that.) Then he asked what I was doing, After refusing to answer about three times,  he kept on pushing. and I finally told him, hoping he would just drop it or comfort me. But oh no. He got out of bed, made me a bed on the couch, told me he ‘couldn’t do this, I have work in the morning’, and proceeded to kick me out of bed. It was this that made me start crying, which I proceeded to do on the couch for an hour and a half while he just slept.

Then he woke me up at seven thirty, barely spoke to me, gave me some toast, gave back my toothbrush (the only thing I have in his apartment), and said nothing when I got up and let myself out. I went home and proceeded to pass out on my bed.

So now it’s almost midnight, and I think I’m not doing another crying jag. Because, guess what? I’m PISSED OFF.

1. No Valentine’s gift, when he said that he bought one. So, therein lies a…a lie. That doesn’t really work, does it?

2. What the in the hell? Maybe I’m completely out of line, maybe I shouldn’t expect him to coddle me when he has to be up in a few hours, but I can’t see doing to someone what he did to me. He made me feel weak and neglected and unwanted and like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. He made me feel like I wanted to hurt myself physically so I wouldn’t feel how much I hurt inside. He made me feel like everything between us wasn’t real, as if my feelings were nothing but an annoyance. So now I am very angry.

Part of me feels like saying the hell with him, deleting him from my phone, and doing out for a rebound. But I don’t want to do that, because when we’re good, we’re good, and I love him. But I can’t do these swings, they’re exhausting. So maybe I should say this:

1. Do not ever pull that crap again, I don’t care how tired you are, that was BULLSHIT. I am going to change on my terms, in my way, and not yours. When I want life advice I will ask for it, and stop alternating between thinking nothing of me and thinking I can take on the world. Stop it.

2. You made me feel like crap, and right now I don’t think I even want to look at you. Apologize and give me some space.

Because I think that’s how I feel right now. I do love him. But if he’s going to make me feel like this, then why would I stay with home? I should hit the gym, eat right, fix up my psyche, try for VESID and maybe then I can finish school, and then maybe I won’t break into tears at midnight. But even if I do, I thought part of being bonded with someone meant dealing with things like that. If it was the other way around, I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing the person I loved was that upset. Then again, I probably wouldn’t be pushing something I knew they weren’t comfortable with unless I had to. So maybe he doesn’t even care about me, or want me around. So after a few days, I may write all of this down again and send it to him. I’m much better on paper than in person.

Sincerely yours,





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: