Doing for me

14 03 2012


I told A I didn’t want to meet him! Because he made me feel terrible, because he hurt me, because I realized I don’t have to stand for something that makes me feel disrespected! I’m really doing for me now.

It’s not that I’m not conflicted about it, it isn’t that part of me doesn’t want to call him and say that I want to see him, because when we were good, we were good. But I don’t think anyone has made me cry the way he did, I guess it’s true that the ones you love can hurt you much worse than people you don’t care about.

When I told him that I didn’t want to meet with him, he left me this long voicemail, saying that I was disrespecting the relationship that we had, that I would jerking him around, and that if I didn’t want to meet with him I should just say so. I ending up telling him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, and he said that he would wait for me to contact him. I might want to meet with him for closure, but I don’t think I’m going to get back with him. I think he was somewhat manipulative, and that last incident with kicking me out of bed and leaving me to cry to was too disrespectful. I can’t forgive that, especially when he doesn’t seem to think he did anything wrong, and hasn’t even tried to apologize.

I think I can do better, and I’m going to look for better. For someone who is kind and romantic, and probably a little dorky, and sweet. Heck, A said it himself; I got a self-confidence boost, and I see that I can do better. …huh, that’s interesting.

However, I don’t think my new love will be found on OKCupid, because I either get messages like this: ‘hey sexy i like ur pic’, or messages that just say ‘hi’, or if the message is somewhat decent, then the person is…lacking? Maybe I’m too picky, but I think I’m one of those people who would rather be single than be with someone just for the sake of being with them. …maybe I should have figured that out earlier.


On an unrelated note, I was trying to get Amazon to fix my Kindle, and while they do have help available, they need to tell their phone consultants to slow. down. Both of the people I spoke to had thick accents, and they spoke very quickly. The end result was me not understanding a word they said. See, I think it’s inconsiderate, especially when you’re on the phone, to just sort of go on. It may be because I always talk fast, and it takes considerable effort on my part to speak at a speed that other people understand. So when other people do it, it irks me. However…MY KINDLE IS FIXED! YAY! At least I have my Kindle, because I still don’t have my laptop. Rawr. Staples still has it, and they told me it would be done in a week. Uh, no. It’s been at least two weeks, and this is after they ‘fixed’ it the first time. And their customer service is terrible. I am never going there again. BOO STAPLES. I should get my money back. And if the laptop breaks again, they are giving me some money for a new one, because I sure as hell am not buying it there.

I did order some skirts today, I can’t wait until they come. I have no skirts, and soon it will be spring for real, and I am so sick of pants. Hopefully they will be flattering. If not, I will have to give up on eloquii. (The Limited’s plus size clothing line, JSYK.) I can still wear them for a while, but I did lose a little more weight, so yay! I haven’t been to the gym this week, but that’s because I sound like a cross between a creaking porch and machine gunfire. Maybe I can go tomorrow? I hope so. I wanted to go to a water workout class today, but noooo. Oh well.

I’m in such a good space now, it’s sort of strange. I like the sun on my face, I like waking up. I feel, for the first time in a very long time, that I have a real chance. A real shot. Hope is such a fragile thing, I don’t dare hold onto it, but still, I can’t bear to let it go. Not you.

Sincerely yours,





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