Distant and Traveling

31 01 2012

Well, haven’t I had a splendid few days. If you can’t tell, I am being so sarcastic that my words have a high pH level. (Hah, I made a science joke.)

I had a serious pregnancy scare. I don’t know if I convinced myself I was pregnant due to the fatigue, the headaches, the nausea, and the possibility of missing a pill or what, but I was convinced until I saw that one little pink line. I was both relived and disappointed. I do very much want to be a mother, but the timing wouldn’t have been ideal. Or even good.

I decided to talk to A about it, which brought up my feelings about how he feels our relationship has an expiration date. (Did I mention that before?) In any case, I said it was good that I wasn’t pregnant because if we were just going to break up, a child would just make things more complicated, and since he has significantly more income than I do, there’s a good chance that he’d end up with the kid. Also, I have no desire to be anyone’s baby mama. I want my children to be planned, wanted, anticipated, and loved.

A says that he’s pro choice in general, but if he got someone pregnant that he would want the child, no matter what. He’d respect the mother’s choice, but he’d want that child when it was born. I’m not sure what I would have done, but I don’t know if I could have a baby with someone who expects to live me.

Then we went to a meeting. Al-Anon. I didn’t exactly enjoy it, but I’ll try it again, without him, since I can’t talk about him with him in the room. I’ll find a meeting of my own. I’m going to be doing a lot of that now, because now A wants distance and space. I’ll give him so much space he’ll think I moved to Alpha Centauri.

I think he thinks I’m getting too emotionally dependent on him. It’s possible that he’s right. I don’t really have too many friends, so I talk to him about a lot of things. It doesn’t change the fact that when he told me that we should put some distance between us and went to sleep, and immediately there was a shatterproof wall between us, I started crying and didn’t stop for an hour. I got out of bed, and he didn’t follow me, and I think he was awake. Did he just listen to me cry? Did he heard me sob and write him a whole letter telling him goodbye because I couldn’t stand that wall and tear it up because I couldn’t bear leaving him?

He asked me what was wrong. I tried to tell him, and I don’t think he cared. Which isn’t like him.  But he embraced me, and I thought we would just cuddle and go to sleep together. But no. He wants me to perform oral sex on him. Am I in the mood? Hell. No. I was tired, I was emotionally exhausted, and apparently he thought I was completely okay. I did it, I felt cheap, I felt used, and I did it anyway because he wanted me to, with hardly any reciprocation. (I unfortunately had some physical reaction, when mentally I was so far from wanting sex I could have been asexual.)

Then he got up in the morning, mumbled ‘have a good day’ at me, and left. I managed to get myself out of his apartment. I took a cinnamon bun, which I think he bought for me to eat anyway, so I don’t care. (Much.) But then I was so stressed I couldn’t manage my time and then I ended up being terribly late (I actually said that. Terribly late. I’m such a dork), and had to reschedule my gym orientation. But I did get a workout in, then went home and sent out some applications, so at least this hasn’t prevented me from doing what I need to do. I’m worried that it might because I feel cut off, but I’m just going to have to seek out support and not worry that I’m not good enough to be a support for A. I just have to worry about myself, and he can worry about himself, like he said.

I say that like it’s so easy, but I still feel like crying. But I’m not calling him. I’m just going to take care of myself as best as I can.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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Esteem, Self or Otherwise

25 01 2012

Being directionless as I am right now, I’m actually in a prime position for self reflection. It’s a little sad, actually, because as I dig deeper I realize that I have little respect or love for myself, and I probably project that in my interactions with other people.

What I mean is that my self esteem is taking a hit. Really, it’s more like a barrage of hits. It’s almost impossible to get through the day without hearing the little voice in my head that tells me that I’m fat or useless or pathetic or a waste of potential. I know that what the little voice saying isn’t true, or not true in the way that I’m understanding it. I could stand to lose some weight, and that is true. However, I’m not so obese that I’m unable to walk and have to scoot around on a Rascal. (No offense to anyone who is that heavy, I’m just trying to have my self esteem based on something realistic.) And while I have a less than healthy relationship with food, I do have some level of self control.

As for being useless or pathetic or a waste, well, maybe I’m not where I would like to be. But I think I have to start giving myself credit for things, rather than just focusing on everything that I don’t like. (Everyone else who doesn’t give themselves a break, I think we should give ourselves credit for one good thing a day.) I think the thing I’ll give myself credit for today is the fact that I went to the dentist, had no cavities, and kept myself from getting a Frappucino as a reward. I was proud of myself. I did something good for myself.

I’m going to do that, I think. Try to do one thing I can take pride in every day. It doesn’t have to be just one thing, but I’m going to try for at least one, and try to make them into habits. Like:

1. Stop emotional eating/using food as a reward. (Maybe I’ll try Overeaters Anonymous.)

2. Stop being so hard on myself, calling myself names, listing to the little voice.

3. Go to the gym. It makes me feel better, and it’s better for me.

4. Try to celebrate my life and be nice to myself in a healthy way. I think everyone should do that. I’ll start one. Everyone who is reading this: You have worth as a person.

______________________________________

 

Now, onto a related subject. I want to lose weight. I know, I know, so does everyone. But I’m serious about it, and I want to try not to get discouraged. So I’m not going to expect to lose all the weight I want to drop in three months or something equally unrealistic. I’m thinking about trying Weight Watchers, but I think what I’m going to do is…

GET. OFF. MY. LUSCIOUS. BOTTOM.

Yes, I did just refer to my bottom as luscious, like a ripe peach. But unfortunately, most of my favorite activities (reading, writing, surfing the net, playing video games) involve sitting on said luscious bottom for hours at a time. So now I am going to get off it. I find that I like to swim, and to dance, so I’m going to look for something that fits that. My gym has a pool (a big reason why I joined) and there are classes and free swim, and there are Zumba classes too. I’m really optimistic; what I’m worried about is when I don’t see a difference, when I get frustrated, when I’m tired. But I’m still going to try. I can’t ever expect to get anywhere if I don’t try, right?

I think, whenever I reach for food for comfort, I’m going to think about how it’ll make me feel later.  (That’s why I want to try OA. I’d like support for when I’m not feeling so good about myself.) I have to get over having to ask for help. There’s no shame in it. I have remind myself of that. Everyone needs help sometimes.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 





Emerging

21 01 2012

I haven’t posted in a while. I guess I was busy? I mean, I guess I forget to post, or maybe I’m not in the mood? I’m mostly writing for myself anyway, right? Is anyone actually reading this? It’s like giving a speech to an empty room.

+++++

I joined a gym. Good for me, right? I’m going to really try, even if I’m sometimes discouraged. But I’m tired of feeling fat and low energy and feeling bad about myself, so I’m going to try. Starting Monday, ’cause I’m giving myself the weekend off-this week was tiring! I got a gig watching someone’s child while they were at a conference. Babies are a lot of work! That’s why I’m waiting to have any of my own until I have more money and someone else to help me and emotional maturity and less self doubt. But I do want to have children of my own one day. The love of a parent is something I want to experience.

+++++

It’s probably not going to be with A, though. I know that, and it makes me sad, but I’m going to try to enjoy our time together. He’s totally stressed (for various reasons), and I can’t do anything to help. What kind of useless girlfriend am I? I even asked what I could do, and he couldn’t think of anything. I want to be the kind of person he can rely on, and I’m trying to change. This gig was a big thing; the old me would never would have gone on a trip with someone I barely know to do a job, especially with so much social interaction. Social interaction wears me out.

But still. I am trying, and it’s not enough. It makes me feel inadequate and frustrated, especially since I can’t force my own development. And I don’t think I should have to. But then I feel guilty that I’m not supporting him and that I make demands on his time, but isn’t that part of being in a relationship? Am I supposed to feel bad for wanting to be with him?

This is when I wonder what he gets from being with me. I think he’ll break up with me, sometimes. And I don’t want break up with him, I don’t think I will unless I fall more in love with someone else more than I am with him. He’s the first person I’ve said ‘I love you’ to. I mean, I’ve said it to my mother and my brother, but I’ve never said it to a lover. Since my virginity essentially got thrown away, this means something to me. But I’ve decided, even if we do break up, even if I have to say good-bye to him, even if it’s going to break my heart, I’m still going to keep trying, to keep growing. Because I’ll be able live happily as myself, with the people in my life. So, onward.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





The Beginning of the New Year

2 01 2012

 

Time for New Year’s Resolutions!

1. Lose weight. (Like everyone else, right? But I am serious about it.)

2. Try to be more considerate.

3. Be more in touch with my emotions and understand where they’re coming from.

4. Try to mature, and reduce my anxiety.

 

I think that’s good enough to be getting on with. So far, I’m doing some work on 2, 3, and 4, and I’m trying to cut down on my sweets. It’s pretty hard for me, I crave sweets pretty often. But I think if I learn to substitute fruits or hummus for my need for sweets, it might help me some. I have come to really like hummus, and I love fruit, but I don’t know how long it’ll take for my cravings for sweets to subside.

I worry that I’m not too considerate, so I’m trying to work on it. But I sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it because I want to please A, and that I’m selfish and inconsiderate by nature. I’m going to try anyway, try to think more about the other people in my life, because they think of me.

I’m much more in touch with my emotions than I used to be, but sometimes I have emotional reactions and I don’t know where they’re coming from. So I am trying to be aware of how I react to things.

As for my maturity, I’ll just let it grow naturally. I’m noticing a little growth more often lately, and maybe I shouldn’t force it. And as for anxiety, that’s what therapy, lavender, and my medication is for. And it’s going to be gradual, I know that. But it’s gotten better. I can get out of bed, I can meet new people, I can face challenges without trembling. I’m going to get better one day.

_______________

Now as for what happened on New Year’s.

Friday night I went to A’s, planning on staying over. I got my Christmas/birthday presents at last. Three cell phone chargers (practical, no?). At first I thought that was it, but then he gave me a little ceramic box. When I opened it, there was a pearl necklace and bracelet inside. I think it’s vintage, I’ve never seen the type of clasp that the necklace has on modern jewelry. It was very sweet, and it makes me happy that he took the time to pick something I would like.

Then it was New Year’s Eve, and we were cleaning up the apartment. It was all very domestic, and I was happy. But I was nervous, because SG2 was coming, and it was the first time we met. To my shame, my first thought when I saw her was ‘Psh, I am way hotter than that.’ Maybe that’s part of the reason I don’t feel threatened by her, or by their relationship. (They also seem to argue a lot.) That, and his relationship with her doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. We aren’t interchangeable.

But! Then something really interesting happened. (Those with delicate sensibilities, you might want to skip this bit. It’s not really graphic, though.)  I wanted to stay, and SG2 wanted to stay, and we both wanted to have sex with A. I felt bad about her leaving, but I didn’t want to give up time with him, or just listen to them have sex. So A and I thought, since SG2 wanted to watch us do a scene, we could do that, since I’m not really into SG2 and vice versa. And, it was so.freaking.hot. I knew about my kink of being dominated, but being watched? Apparently I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak.

So, hopefully, now that I’ve broken the ice (very forcefully) with SG2, we might get to know each other-A says he wants us to have a relationship. By which I mean he’d like us to be friends. We’re not going to have a sexual or romantic relationship (not that A would care if we did), but A would like us to get along. (If they stay together.)

Now, oddly enough, that I don’t feel threatened by SG2, I had to find a new person in his life to worry about, a man I’ll call Mr. Domestic. He’s in love with A (though A says that he’s not interested, that they’re just really good friends), and he’s so…well, domestic. He loves to cook and clean and do house projects. I don’t. Well, I do like to cook and bake, but dusting and laundry and vacuuming? Not so much. I do it because there’s a sense of satisfaction in it and it makes other people happy. But Mr. Domestic does it all, and well, and he fawns over A like…rgh. I don’t like it. I don’t mind Mr. Domestic, but he makes me feel insecure. A says that I shouldn’t feel like I’m competing with him, that he loves me, and he doesn’t compare us that way. Also, we have good sex and he doesn’t have a sexual interest in Mr. Domestic. I should just believe him, but…urgh. I am so insecure.

Geez, this post took forever. I hope anyone who’s reading this had a good New Year’s!

                                    Yours,

                                   J.J