Attitude is everything.

13 01 2014

I am having a down day, which led to me missing the walk in advising hours that I need to attend for class, which leads me to tell myself that I’m useless and I should give up.

But I sent an e-mail to an instructor on the advising schedule, and we see what we do, no? I’ll keep going. And try to write in the meantime. I’ve got work tomorrow.

I don’t like work anymore.

And you know why? The director of the place where I work is terrible. I think a good boss is someone who can manage, delegate, take responsibility, and tell people the truth without dragging them down. Someone who can inspire people to follow them, rather than someone who is followed because their subordinates have no choice.

She called me into her office, and blindsided me with everything I was doing wrong. (I was out for a while with the stomach flu, and apparently I had a chronic lateness problem, which no one mentioned up until that moment. I admit that being late isn’t good, but it wasn’t as if I was strolling in half an hour late every day, and again, no one said anything.)

And my real problem was that the entire meeting was essentially ‘This is why you suck, and I should fire you, but I’m doing you a favor and not doing it’ and she was condescending the entire time. I was in tears. And apparently I’m not the only one she’s done this to! People are uncomfortable. And my co-workers say they enjoy my presence and that I work well with them and that I can do the job. No one has complained about how I work or how I speak to them, yet she said that my former immediate superior said I came off as defensive. Yet no one told me that either so that I could modify my behavior before it got to that level!

Sorry. I’m mad. So now I don’t feel confident at work anymore, if I see the director I get tense and I think poorly of her, I notice other people’s complaints more…it’s not a good environment. I’ll last until I’ve been there a year, and then I’m done. It’s not as if it’s my dream job anyway.

I know everyone can’t have their dream job. But I think I could make it as a writer, or maybe an editor, if I study, if I practice! Besides, I think I’ve figured out that a nine to five doing something that I don’t like or is boring isn’t sustainable for me anyway. I’m such a delicate flower, after all. Tee hee.

Like I said, attitude is everything. And even though today is a down day, I think everything is going to be all right.

On a high note, Magpie got a new job. Yay! He is super excited, as he gets. (Maybe not quite as excited as he is about the game he’s writing, but he’s pretty into his own head anyway.) Maybe a little place together isn’t so far off.

It’s a little scary to be making future plans, but I’m going to go with it. Attitude is everything.

…even when your boss sucks.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

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Easter Food Trouble

31 03 2013

 

I am so totally gaining weight this week. Oy vey.

First, my mother makes a ham. I love me some ham. Especially with sweet potatoes, which we also made. So yesterday was yum yum yum ham time.

But then today we went out for lunch with my aunt for Easter. (They went to church. I did not. I slept, showered, and walked the dog.)

I got a bowl of tomato bisque soup with fried basil-yum yum yum. It was a little creamy and with a little fresh pepper very pleasing.

Then I got-hold the phone-a bacon cheddar burger on brioche with rum barbecue sauce and fries. I did not finish either, but not because of a lack of desire. The bacon wasn’t too crispy and tasted of wood smoke, there was garlic aioli on the side, the fries with super thin but not too crunchy…I could have eaten it all, but I took the rest home. Weight Watchers Lesson Victory!

But then came my Achilles’ heel, my kryptonite, my greatest weakness: dessert, shared with my mother. Three miniature desserts-molten chocolate cake (which is pretty common, but was very well done, topped with vanilla ice cream), peach apple cobbler (oh god, I loved it, with caramel ice cream), and lemon souffle cake thing (pleasing to the tongue, with fresh whipped cream and raspberries). I got a tingle from that dessert trio, yes I did.

Then I got home, and my godmother’s son came over on his way home (from a monastery-he’s getting really into his religion), with fast friendly apple pie. And I had some. It was also delicious.

It is almost eight o’clock. I have a chocolate bunny from Lindt, leftover burger and fries, ham and sweet potato, and more pie. I am in so much trouble.

Happy Easter, however (or if) you celebrate, everyone!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Going Out, and Falling Down

17 02 2013

 

I went out last night, and it was fun-not an epic night by any means, but fun. I am also now totally broke, ha ha.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a night out if I didn’t do something socially awkward. First I sent BB a dirty message, because heaven forbid I relate to any man without some sort of sexual overtone. And then I tried to talk to this guy and he turned his back on me after essentially ignoring my question. Talk about embarrassing, and then I completely freaked out, of course.

Big C was all ‘Yeah, you need to relax, your guard is so obviously up that it puts people off.’ I am so frustrated with myself I feel like kicking something.

I am a lot better than I used to be, but I realize that I’m…almost never really relaxed. I’m not as constantly on edge and wired as I used to be, but I’m not comfortably socially, and I’m wary of unfamiliar situations or anything overly stimulating. I also don’t know how to just…be. Just enjoy what I’m doing. Big C is all ‘Don’t make meeting people a goal and just be out.’ I think it’s part of the ‘don’t take fulfillment from sex and being valued by other people’ thing. (A said that too, but I’m more willing to take it from Big C because he’s not crazy and less judgmental about it.) But it’s a lot harder than it sounds. It’s been so ingrained that I don’t really know how not to do it. It also probably doesn’t help that I have no fulfillment in anything in my life right now.

Losing weight sort of makes me happy, but not really. The last twenty pounds seem a long way away. I have no job, and while I love my writing I wonder if I’ll ever be able to make it part of my life. I like my ceramic class, but I don’t know if that’s fulfilling. It’s entertaining for a few hours and then I’m down again. I don’t like these down swings. I just feel defeated.

Then there’s the whole I have no social circle thing. I mean, I have Big C. That’s it. I would like to make some friends but I am crap at meeting people, social situations stress me out, apparently I don’t give off the most welcoming vibes anyway, and I have a hard time maintaining relationships.

Big C says that part of the problem is that while everyone has leaps to make and needs to fulfill, I have a lower starting point due to my past. It’s like a lot of other people are starting from even ground and I’m starting from a well. If other people miss their leaps, they just land flat-they can still keep walking. If I miss, and feel down, I plummet, and so I have to climb all the way back up before I can keep going again. And I hate to say ‘it’s not fair’ because life is not fair, it’s not as if there’s some set of rules and some cosmic force is cheating in order to continually keep screwing me over. It just is what it is. (I hate that phrase by the way. I always have. It never makes anything clearer or better, it’s just like a shrug and it makes me want to kick something.)

In case it seems like I’m whining (and honestly, if it does, I don’t really care) let me try to give an example of how I feel. I have to take pills in order to function, because otherwise I can’t go outside of my house without panicking.  Any prolonged social situation either exhausts me or stresses me out. Even if I’m enjoying myself, by the next day I’m raw and I have to keep myself isolated. If I am approached by a strange man my first thought is how I can get away, just in case. I have very little sense of fulfillment in my life, and I am simultaneously very lonely and misanthropic. I have a hard time with appropriate social interaction. I am never relaxed, not really, the unsettled feeling never goes away even if I’m sitting still, and I’m always ready to react. I don’t trust and am sometimes desperate for a connection. I am sometimes inappropriately sexual, ashamed of my sexuality, and I still occasionally think about hurting myself. Not out of any real desire to die, just out of exhaustion. You threaten suicide or hurt yourself and then they lock you up for a little while, keep you from the world. I feel inadequate and frustrated and like I was born without the proper instruction manual. It seems like there will never be any end to this. And I’m so tired.

The worst part is that if I don’t come to love and embrace myself, how can I ever expect anyone else to do it? Big C does, but he’s not what I would call a typical man in any case, and it’s not like that with us anyway. My mother does, but she’s my mother. That’s about it. I wish I could just go away.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Going on the New Year

30 12 2012

Only a week until I find out if my job’s going to keep me. If they don’t-oh well. The money would be nice, but it’s not as if I’ll be totally crushed or anything. I’m comfortable there-as comfortable as I would be anywhere, since I’m never quite comfortable with people around my age or colleagues. My lingering lack of self confidence tries to convince me that no one likes me and that they’re whispering behind my back. But whether it’s true or not, I can’t do anything about it, and most of my co-workers are not people whose opinion I value.

BB and I are back to sending dirty texts messages to each other, but then he goes and responds to my compliment by wishing that he had someone on his side of the ocean who felt that way. Ouch. That stung. I mean, I know I’m just the penfriend, but he knows I like him, so why would he say that? Unless he didn’t get exactly what I meant-he doesn’t seem to be the type to be deliberately cruel.

That little episode made me feel so much relief that I’m not pregnant. (I thought I might be, as my period hasn’t shown up, but the test says I’m not, so I’m good.) I was a little disappointed (goddamn biological clock), but oh god, can you imagine? I’m not in a place to have a kid right now, and I really didn’t want to do a transatlantic ‘Hey, guess what, I’m having your baby’ phone call. (We did use protection, in case anyone is wondering, but it’s not perfect, and since I’m not pregnant, I’m either getting my period or the flu. I hope it’s the first one, but either way I feel like crap.)

Big C says that while me and BB might not be in the cards right now, but I shouldn’t shut the door, shouldn’t believe that there’s no way of it happening, even if he’s with someone else. (He’s not right now, and he might not get to be with someone, and even if he does, that’s not necessarily a forever relationship.) And though I’m afraid that I’ll get too attached to him-which I already am in some ways-I might just be able to keep him in my heart somewhere as a dear friend and fall in love with someone else, or who knows. It hasn’t even been two months, which is why I feel silly. But maybe it’s not so silly, because if he lived in this city I would have made my intentions very clear from the start. Oh well. It’s not like I don’t have other things to do in the meantime. …like check craigslist for more jobs, tee hee. I say tee hee a lot.

Well, I should get some writing done. To those of you that read this, thanks for reading! I know this blog is sort of random, but it’s my voice, and I like it!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





16 12 2012

 

I am frustrated. Again.

After doing some reading online, I have learned (apparently) that the reason that I don’t do well with romantic relationships is because I give into sex too easily and I’m too needy and too distant at the same time.

1. What year is this? I know women are more hard wired to make emotional connections after sex, but am I not supposed to want to have sex early on? Maybe not. Maybe I should give it a shot. No sex until there’s an emotional connection. …which at the rate I emotionally connect with people means I’ll probably have sex two years from now, if I meet someone next week.

2. I’m too needy. I know that. Probably because between the anxiety issues, the intimacy issues, and the depression, I either don’t connect at all or I connect too quickly. So, I have to find other fulfilling things. …I’m in trouble. No sex and I have to feel fulfilled. Not that sex makes me feel fulfilled. …I’m really in trouble.

3. Of course I’m too distant, I have trust issues! A lot of trust issues! And I’m introverted and antisocial and I hardly like anyone and…I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?

I think this is just me still feeling rejected. I’ve felt like crying for two days and I haven’t done it yet, and I’m just…I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have a lot of emotional support. Well, I don’t have many friends…I have two friends, and one’s in California and the other’s emotional support for like twenty people. I have my mother, but that’s too complicated and I have to hide things from her, so that’s no good.

Oh, wait, I have a therapist! I should make a list of things to take to her to talk about, but forty five minutes a week just isn’t cutting it, especially when I have to miss a lot because of work. And I can’t afford two sessions a week. And yet I keep saying I’m okay. …maybe I should go back to my support group. But I wasn’t really comfortable there. There must be another. But I don’t know if I want to walk into another room of strangers that don’t care about me and talk about my rage and my disappointments and my frustrations and my sadness and then walk away alone again. For all my introversion and my aversion to people, I am very lonely. I want to believe that life is beautiful and that I’m worth something, but I don’t. There are beautiful moments in life, and I believe that. But they are so few and far between, and the rest is so boring and empty and painful, and I don’t know why I continue to slog through it. As for me…I might have been worth something once, but I don’t think I am.

Big C says that value doesn’t really mean anything-he’s right, something like gold only has value because we say so, it’s just a shiny rock-but value is something that people seem to agree on, because one person started it. And for anyone to think that I’m valuable and worth keeping and caring for, I have to believe that first. But I don’t! I can say that I do a million times, but deep down I don’t! Deep down I’m still the child who feels lonely and dirty and self loathing, who wishes she could disappear, or turn into someone else. Someone else who is happy, who shines, who doesn’t still sometimes want to destroy themselves because they can’t bear the loneliness and pain.

I want to tell that little girl that everything is all right. But I don’t want to lie to her, and I don’t know that everything is going to be all right. She thought that if it ended, she would be all right. She didn’t know that even if it ended, she wouldn’t feel any better. The damage was done.

The damage is the worst part. You think, ‘I’m damaged goods, so no one’s going to take me when there’s plenty of fruit out there with no bruises.’ And the cracks make you aware of even the tiniest bit of pressure because you’re so much easier to break. And criticism  You can’t take criticism. You can’t, because it means someone saw, that they know you’re no good!

And even if someone likes you, you can’t get that right, you cling because you need them to stay, and if they leave you it means that you were never any good after all, and they’re just one more mark on you.

I hate how we have a number, and for women it’s a bad thing. I don’t know my number, I don’t trust my memory to give me a complete list, so if someone asks I either tell them it’s none of their business or I make something up.

I also don’t know when I lost my virginity. I have no clue. Big C said to just pick a date, like a birthday for a pet. I picked one to make it seem like the idea made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It just makes me feel contaminated, like anyone can just get into my body and do what they want with it.

…you know, I’m not a bad person. I mean, I’m not perfect. But I’m decent, maybe even a good person on some days. I don’t try to hurt anyone, I try to be nice, I sometimes give to charity even though I avoid bums on the subway. But it doesn’t matter, because even though I’m not bad I’m not good.

No one’s ever going to take me home to meet their parents or have children with me or ask me to travel the world with them. That’s not what I’m for. I’m for booty calls and late nights and distance, I’m not that kind of girl.

There won’t be a wedding for my mother to cry at. Maybe I’ll manage to get knocked up and keep the kid and try to raise the kid to have a better life than I did before chucking myself off a bridge. That’s probably the best I can hope for-I’ll do it after my mother dies so that she doesn’t have to live with the pain of losing me.

Maybe that won’t happen. Maybe I will be happy. But it doesn’t seem like it. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s never quite right. I don’t fit anywhere, I always do something wrong. I’m never happy. Even if it seems like it, it’s all fake. And I’m tired of it.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Getting Back on Weight Watchers

4 12 2012

First off: TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY WHOOO!

 

Oh my god I have fallen off the wagon so hard the oxen ran me over before they tried to ford the river and died. (Tee hee.)

Let’s see, I was on track today until I got out of work after getting sick. Morning was seven points, and that was okay. Then I got a Frap, only four points, so I was up to eleven, leaving me with fifteen. Then I got a ham sandwich and a cookie. The sandwich was four points, so then I was left with eleven. I have no idea how many points that cookie was, but it was gingerbread and homemade (by me), so I figured that one cookie wouldn’t hurt. Then I got some cocktail shrimp, which would have gotten me down to seven at the most.

Then I had a mini Weight Watchers Red velvet cake and a slice of pizza, which put me at zero and leaving me with whatever unknown Weekly points I have. Then I apparently lost my mind and ate four more cookies. I need to get back on Weight Watchers this second, I’m too scared to step on the scale, I feel fat! I mean, I don’t think I’ve gained ten pounds, but I am definitely back in the 160s again, and I don’t want to be.

It’s like between Thanksgiving and my account getting suspended I’ve totally lost it and my account ability. From my account. Ha ha.

And now I feel like crap, so I can’t even start working out again. But no more cookies until Christmas! …at least I’ll try.

Everyone root for me as I try to beat the holiday bulging! I wish everyone else luck too!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





My Little Brother’s Values Suck Hard

18 11 2012

 

Also, he thinks I’m a total dork. (I am a dork, but not in a bad way.) It’s disheartening when I remember how he used to think I hung the moon. (I like that phrase, hung the moon. It’s a bit romantic. Old world romantic, not kissy kissy romantic.)

All he cares about is fashion and looking cool and not doing anything and smoking weed and blah blah blah. I know, he’s a teenager and all teenagers are the despair of their parents and maturing older siblings. But it’s a little frustrating, especially when I’m still stuck in my old bedroom, and he’s seen as having all the potential, and I want to smack him and tell him not to throw it away, you never get a second chance! But I might as well talk to myself, for all that he hears me. He thinks he’s the wise one.

I know I wasn’t that arrogant when I was that age. (Granted, I had the self esteem of a kicked spaniel that’s slightly incontinent, but still. I have never assumed I knew everything. About the only thing I make assumptions about is gravity, because if I didn’t I would try to bounce to work.)

I guess I’ll just leave him be as best I can, but it does hurt my feelings and make me wish we could try to have an actual relationship again. Maybe when he finishes college and I have my first baby or something, it’ll work out.

***

I woke up at 6:30 AM. On a Saturday. For work. It is now ten minutes to midnight, and I’m still up. Crap. I have to go let the dog out to pee. Be right back.

Okay, back.  He didn’t even want to go out, but I am not getting up at 3:30 in the morning because he wants to pee then. Anyway.

I woke up very early, I worked until a little past 5:30, and then I took the train home. But I am in a good mood, for a reason that’s a bit silly. Or quite silly, really. British Boy and I spent the whole day texting back and forth until he shot me his e-mail because international text rates are too expensive. I haven’t e-mailed him because I don’t want to seem creepy, but he’s so damn cute. It’s a little ridiculous. But it makes me smile. We’ll never meet again, probably drop out of contact, but he made me smile.

And I got my first paycheck too! YAY! It’s tiny, but it’s my money, that I earned! It feels so good, and I have purpose that exists beyond playing with imaginary people in my head! …that really doesn’t give credence to my chosen profession.

***

I’m going to talk about body confidence for a bit. According to my Weight Watchers Planner, I have lost…(drum roll)…38.8 pounds! I AM SO HAPPY! When I look at that number it’s like drinking sparkling cider and spinning until I’m dizzy. To get to my healthy weight range I have to hit 141, which is…(quick math) 18 pounds away. But I think I can do it. I already feel much more comfortable in my body now, it’s easier to do exercise when I don’t get tired after one flight of stairs.

And still there’s still nothing like someone that you find attractive saying that you’re  attractive. Hot. It makes you preen. I’ll try to remember how I feel now the next time I’m down on myself.

Everyone, try to look at yourself and be happy! ::dances an internal ‘I’m too sexy’ dance:: I am too tired to dance physically.

And on that note, it’s almost 1:30 in the morning. I am sleepy. This post took forever because I have the attention span of a four year old sometimes.

 

Sincerely yours,

J.J