At the end of a day, I make a choice

30 05 2012

Well, I applied for more jobs today, (technically yesterday because it’s eight minutes after midnight as I type this), went to therapy, went to my writer’s group…and decided that I’m going to break things off with A because I think he’s just gone past what I can trick myself into thinking is okay.

He calls, and I think he’s calling to say hi, maybe ask me to meet him. But no. Between his Sunday bootycall and today, he’s converted, seriously, to Islam. Which in and of itself, would be a little odd, because he recently converted to Christianity, and I thought he was serious about that and his interest in Islam was mostly academic. But no. Now this man, who was poly and in a very sexual relationship with me, says he can’t have sex until marriage, and that marriage can only be with another Muslim. After he told me this, I said something like ‘I’ll talk to you later’ and hung up, proceeding to yell ‘What the FUCK’ so loudly I scared the birds off my windowsill.

Okay. I’m guessing my reaction wasn’t too off the wall, as I told my mother and she started laughing, I told three other people and their reactions were ‘good that you’re leaving’ ‘you can do better, it’s good you’re breaking up with him’ and ‘…if he didn’t want to see you anymore, there were other ways’. So. Yeah. I’m done. I may have said it before, but I’m done. I feel like I’m getting jerked around, and I’m tired of it, and I want to find the one who will be my most important person.

I’m enjoying my food more now. Now I crave salmon more than chicken nuggets. I still crave fries though. But good fries, not McDonalds. I want fresh cut potatoes with mango chutney mayo. Mmm.

You know what else is good? That place Energy Kitchen! I like to get a Bison burger, and mashed sweet potatoes, and corn and edamame salad. Mmm mmm. All that together is about 17 points, which is a little high, but it’s mostly the burger, which at ten points is still better than say, a big mac, which might have the same amount of meat, and is twelve points without sauce. And I now miss working out. (It’s that time of the month, so I’m slacking a little bit, but now I’m grouchy.)

Okay, I’m finishing this post later, I’m falling asleep. (It’s one AM.)

Back now. Still haven’t called A to be all ‘Yeah, we’re done’ because I am terrible at any sort of…what word am I thinking of? Not confrontation. …no, wait, I mean definitive. I have a very hard time being definitive about anything. But since I already asked out the waffle guy (I ASKED SOMEONE OUT HOLY CHEESE), I think I’m done with A. I mean, I think Ms. or Mr. Right for me is out there somewhere, I could find them!

I am trying to organize donations for a nonprofit-for a Christmas party! …I had no idea how much work it was going to be, and I’ve never done it before. There’s paperwork and protocol and I feel all industrious and I love it. But I hope I can pull it off! It makes me worry. But I will try my best.

 

I realized, even jobless as I am, I’m doing a lot. (My therapist helped.) It’s not like I sit on my butt watching bad television all day. I go to therapy, a writer’s group, my part time gig, I’m doing the Christmas party, I work out. So at least I’ve got stuff going on. So what if I live with my mother, a lot of people do now, what with the economy. So I’m going to take pride in myself!

I am also going to get some red velvet cake. Maybe next week.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Here I Am, Back Again, J.J.’s Back, Tell a Friend

19 05 2012

 

Guess who’s back, guess who’s back…Okay, I’ll stop now. No more early 2000 music references. …did that song come out in the early 2000s? I don’t remember. ::goes to check:: Yes it was. Okay. Anyway.

Down fourteen pounds! WOO! And in typical American fashion, how did I celebrate?

With fried chicken, French fries, and chocolate ice cream.

But I’m back on track today. It’s eight thirty and I still have ten points. …I will probably have a frozen peach cup. (Which make good snacks, actually. Get the ones in light syrup, not the regular kind, and freeze them, and it’s a good substitute when you want something cold.)

I also started getting SELF magazine, which I like, partly for the different exercises. I tend to get stuck in exercise ruts. And there’s a recipe in this month’s issue that I want to try, with salmon. (I found out from weight watchers that wild salmon is better for your than farm raised because its muscle tone is better, that farm raised has more fat. But since wild is twice as expensive, I think I’ll be sticking with farm raised unless it’s on sale.)

And tomorrow is my first…5K! I’m actually really excited. I wanted A to come with, but due to his history with smoking he was all ‘Pass’, but I’m still going. I hope I can finish it. I mean, I can walk two miles, and I don’t have to run it, but still.

 

I can’t tell where A and I are at all. It’s like we’re heading towards each other without a sure sense of direction, or if both of us want to keep on going. Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know if I’m looking for a romantic ideal that doesn’t exist and I don’t want to settle for reality, or if I think there’s something better out there. But I think less of myself, if that’s true. I mean, you’re not supposed to be looking past your partner, just in case say, Misha Collins turns up sans his beloved wife and wants to go out. What does that say about me, if I keep an eye out for someone else while I keep my arms around him?

 

 

 





Where Have I Been

6 05 2012

Well, I lost nine pounds so far! Whee! …not that weight is super important or anything. (Yes, there is way too much emphasis on weight in this culture. I’m still happy about it.) I didn’t even realize how badly I was eating. I thought I was doing okay before I started Weight Watchers, but I really wasn’t. My fruit and vegetable intake was inadequate, too much fast food…it’s a little scary how much food you can eat on the run, how bad snacks can be for you. Now snacks are fruit or low calorie options. There are Weight Watchers popped crisps that. are. awesome! The sodium’s a little high, but at only 2 points, talk about a nice trade off. I have to make a schedule for working out, I mean, I go, but not often enough. I have to think of working out as a job, I guess!

And…A and I are back together, officially now. I think. We’re going to the movies and we’re probably going to go back to his place and have sex afterwards. I don’t think it’s necessarily a good idea, but it’s been a while, so I’m a little hungry for it. Tee hee. I’m embarrassed.

***

The movie date went well. We held hands through the whole thing. (The movie was The Perfect Family, it’s pretty good. It was made infinitely funnier by an old woman shouting ‘Jesus’ at anything remotely scandalous.

A has lost about 20 pounds. I am so envious, but he looks good! Now I’m going to try harder, because he can’t be getting slim and I stay pudgy. (Though I don’t really think of myself as pudgy, that invokes images of being small and round and pig looking.)

It’s not as if I don’t still have doubts, but I think we’re going to work on it. But I have to remember to work on myself-my weight, going back to school, everything. I won’t lose myself so much this time.

We didn’t go back to his place. I think we were both worried about getting caught up in the sex, and not each other. I think it’s good to know that we can spend time together without sex being the goal.

Sincerely yours,

J.J