Cloudy Nights and Champagne

25 05 2013

This is how I first pronounced the word champagne: SHAM-pag-neh. I had only ever seen it written and I was probably about twelve at the time. Funny.

In case it comes across later, I have imbibed a small bottle of champagne and I have the alcohol tolerance of a weasel.

If I ever go to China, all I will be able to say in Chinese is ‘Hello’ (nihao) ‘moon’ (yue) and TV (dian shi). Two of those words I learned from fortune cookies and the other I learned from Cardcaptor Sakura. Awesome. Aces. Whatever.

Pretty Woman is a stupid movie. I love it.

I hate Facebook. Everyone uses it to communicate and it makes me feel socially awkward and superior because 96% of Facebook is INANE BULLSHIT.

You know what else is bullshit? That there are SIX Fast and Furious movies. SIX. All of which consist of half naked women and vehicles exploding. I tried watching Tokyo Drift once and there was so little plot I decided to watch Teen Mom instead!

Yet when I want to watch a movie, I get overruled in favor of one of those movies? American cinema depresses me.

I know nothing about Star Trek except Patrick Stewart says ‘make it so’. I want to see Into Darkness because Benedict Cumberbatch is in it and because he’s the new Sherlock Holmes that rocks my socks off. Is it weird that my ideal man is a fictional arrogant dysfunctional  borderline sociopathic asexual who shoots holes in the wall when he’s  bored? I mean, I doubt he would make a good husband or father, but good god if I met a man like that I just might follow him to the ends of the earth.

 

Ooh, new topic. I have a few neuroses. One of these is that I am very unnerved by anyone entering my space. If I come back to my room and anything is disturbed, it freaks me out. Even if it’s been cleaned. I’m still like ‘OMG SPACE INVADED ARGH’. Thanks for violating my spirit and body further, abuser! /sarcasm

My family is aware of this. However, it seems my idiot brother doesn’t get it. I came home today, and my bed was remade incorrectly. Boom, alarm bells. I pull the sheet back, and my fitted sheet is gone, replaced by some other one. And he admits he was in my bed. I want to smack him in the mouth. He has no reason to be in my bed, and I can’t handle having my bed touched, I don’t like anyone sleeping in my bed unless I’m sleeping with them. Period. And I’ve told him this.

It’s disrespectful, and he doesn’t care. Should my mother not set him straight, I’m going to say, to his face, ‘Your daddy liked to come into my room at night and creep into my bed, so now I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO THAT.’ Maybe that will get his attention. Good god.

Another new topic!

My godmother’s daughter (who I think of as a younger cousin) had her bridal shower today. It was lovely. We got her a cocktail shaker and a bottle opener, both shaped like sperm whales. She loved them. Which was good, because someone else got her the same thing. She and her husband-to-be like their drinks, so they’ll get use out of them, at least. Bridal showers are fun. It was a little sad because my godmother really should have been there, but she’s been dead for almost a year, so instead we all got to tear up when one of the gifts was a drawing in a glass frame of the bride and her mother. My mother cried. Then we had cake.

…and that’s about it, and my buzz is pretty much worn off, so now I can sleep. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. And I’m back again!

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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Going Out, and Falling Down

17 02 2013

 

I went out last night, and it was fun-not an epic night by any means, but fun. I am also now totally broke, ha ha.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a night out if I didn’t do something socially awkward. First I sent BB a dirty message, because heaven forbid I relate to any man without some sort of sexual overtone. And then I tried to talk to this guy and he turned his back on me after essentially ignoring my question. Talk about embarrassing, and then I completely freaked out, of course.

Big C was all ‘Yeah, you need to relax, your guard is so obviously up that it puts people off.’ I am so frustrated with myself I feel like kicking something.

I am a lot better than I used to be, but I realize that I’m…almost never really relaxed. I’m not as constantly on edge and wired as I used to be, but I’m not comfortably socially, and I’m wary of unfamiliar situations or anything overly stimulating. I also don’t know how to just…be. Just enjoy what I’m doing. Big C is all ‘Don’t make meeting people a goal and just be out.’ I think it’s part of the ‘don’t take fulfillment from sex and being valued by other people’ thing. (A said that too, but I’m more willing to take it from Big C because he’s not crazy and less judgmental about it.) But it’s a lot harder than it sounds. It’s been so ingrained that I don’t really know how not to do it. It also probably doesn’t help that I have no fulfillment in anything in my life right now.

Losing weight sort of makes me happy, but not really. The last twenty pounds seem a long way away. I have no job, and while I love my writing I wonder if I’ll ever be able to make it part of my life. I like my ceramic class, but I don’t know if that’s fulfilling. It’s entertaining for a few hours and then I’m down again. I don’t like these down swings. I just feel defeated.

Then there’s the whole I have no social circle thing. I mean, I have Big C. That’s it. I would like to make some friends but I am crap at meeting people, social situations stress me out, apparently I don’t give off the most welcoming vibes anyway, and I have a hard time maintaining relationships.

Big C says that part of the problem is that while everyone has leaps to make and needs to fulfill, I have a lower starting point due to my past. It’s like a lot of other people are starting from even ground and I’m starting from a well. If other people miss their leaps, they just land flat-they can still keep walking. If I miss, and feel down, I plummet, and so I have to climb all the way back up before I can keep going again. And I hate to say ‘it’s not fair’ because life is not fair, it’s not as if there’s some set of rules and some cosmic force is cheating in order to continually keep screwing me over. It just is what it is. (I hate that phrase by the way. I always have. It never makes anything clearer or better, it’s just like a shrug and it makes me want to kick something.)

In case it seems like I’m whining (and honestly, if it does, I don’t really care) let me try to give an example of how I feel. I have to take pills in order to function, because otherwise I can’t go outside of my house without panicking.  Any prolonged social situation either exhausts me or stresses me out. Even if I’m enjoying myself, by the next day I’m raw and I have to keep myself isolated. If I am approached by a strange man my first thought is how I can get away, just in case. I have very little sense of fulfillment in my life, and I am simultaneously very lonely and misanthropic. I have a hard time with appropriate social interaction. I am never relaxed, not really, the unsettled feeling never goes away even if I’m sitting still, and I’m always ready to react. I don’t trust and am sometimes desperate for a connection. I am sometimes inappropriately sexual, ashamed of my sexuality, and I still occasionally think about hurting myself. Not out of any real desire to die, just out of exhaustion. You threaten suicide or hurt yourself and then they lock you up for a little while, keep you from the world. I feel inadequate and frustrated and like I was born without the proper instruction manual. It seems like there will never be any end to this. And I’m so tired.

The worst part is that if I don’t come to love and embrace myself, how can I ever expect anyone else to do it? Big C does, but he’s not what I would call a typical man in any case, and it’s not like that with us anyway. My mother does, but she’s my mother. That’s about it. I wish I could just go away.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





What I Want

12 03 2012

 

Okay, I’m still going on, doing okay. And guess who texts me out of the blue? It’s A, who wants to know how I am, who says he’s been thinking about me. I don’t answer him for about two hours, because I’m too busy wondering what his angle is. I finally tell him that I’m all right, and I ask if he was worried. He said yes, and asked if we could meet for coffee. Cue giant question mark appearing over my head. Thinking he is just feeling guilty, I say that I’m fine, if that’s his reason for wanting to meet with me. He asks what I want to meet for. (I hate when he dodges like that.) I finally just said that coffee was fine, but I didn’t know why he wanted to see me.

Here comes the kicker. He misses me. He ‘removed everyone from [his] life who [he] is not serious about, and now that [he’s] available, [he] wants to spend time with [me]. Is that okay with [me]?’ Apparently this temporarily fried a few of my brain cells, because I said it was all right, and that coffee sounded good. (I’m already started to doubt that.) To my credit, I was skeptical when he said the only one he’s interested in is me, because two weeks ago (has it only been two weeks, really?) he seemed to be able to let me go fairly easily. I said I didn’t want to rush back into anything (yay me), and he said that was okay when I said that it’d have to be on Friday because I had things to do during the week. I’m already uncertain if I even want this meeting now. That was last night. He hasn’t called or anything. So I’m wondering if he’s just lonely, or if he’s genuine, or if I really want to get back with him. I made a list of things that I want and that I’m going to do, if I do give him another shot.

1. No collar. We can play, but I don’t want to be his sub. Not anymore, if I want to hide it, I’m not comfortable with it.

2. I say what I want and what I think. No hiding, no wishy washy passive aggressive stuff.

3. I want support, and if he wants me around, he’d better give it to me, and not on his terms. No hot and cold stuff.

4. I will look for work, I will go for VESID, I will work on my recovery, I will work on myself for me. All of it on my terms, not his.

5. I don’t want him jumping all over the place. I want some consistency from him.

6. We’re going out sometimes. I don’t want to sit around his apartment all the time.

I think it’s a good list. If I want to be with him, I will. If I don’t think he’s changed in any way, or if I think our relationship is just going to end up in the same circles, I’m breaking up with him. I have to remember that I can walk away from him at any time, that I’m not bound to him. I’ll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow, though. See what she thinks. Because part of me isn’t sure if I want to get back with him. I sort of fantasized about him wanting me back, and now that it’s a possibility, I’m not sure how I feel about it. Why text and not call? I’m so suspicious of his motives…

Sincerely yours,

J.J