Being the Most Liberal In My Family

 

I am happy Obama won. I’m pretty liberal, so I wasn’t going to vote for Romney anyway, but I think Obama will be more supportive of women’s rights.

 

I was talking with my aunt, who didn’t vote. Most of my family doesn’t, besides my mom. But my aunt said she would have voted for Obama. However, when I bought up Planned Parenthood, which will hopefully stay around for a long time, my aunt said that she didn’t like them, because they perform abortions. (Like that’s all Planned Parenthood does.) And we got into the abortion debate. Now, like I said, I’m a liberal, and I am very pro choice. My aunt is not, and insists life begins at conception. It was quite interesting to talk about it with her, as she has very strong convictions about it. But I think that ‘pro lifers’ (I don’t like that term, it’s not like pro choice people go around committing infanticide and forcing abortions on women) are unrealistic, illogical, and don’t seem to care what happens to the babies once they’re born. Not every baby born in this world, right now, is a wanted child. There are children who are neglected and abandoned by their parents because their parents never really wanted to have them in the first place, children who end up in foster care because their parents can’t care for them. Why make more? I do agree that people shouldn’t be using abortion as birth control, because that’s just irresponsible, but if you’re being careful because you don’t want a baby, why should you be forced to carry one to term?

 

My aunt said that an unborn baby could grow up to cure cancer. I think that’s a rather stupid argument, because they could also grow up to be a burden on society, or for dramatic effect, a serial killer.

 

And my aunt also seems to think that motherhood is something that you should just accept, if it’s a possibility. It’s ridiculous. You should choose to be a parent. I hope one day that I will be ready to be a mother. No one should say ‘you have to be a mother’, especially when there seems to be far less pressure on a man to be a father. It’s true that many will think less of a man for not taking care of his child, but if a woman doesn’t want to be a mother, I think people see that as a worse thing.

 

Then there’s adoption. I think adoption is a beautiful thing, a wonderful way to build a family. However, I don’t think that it should be seen as the only alternative to parenting. I would never say to someone that didn’t want to parent a child that they should just give the child up for adoption. You would have to go through an entire pregnancy, which is very taxing physically and emotionally, then give birth, which by all accounts is no walk in the park, and then hand the result over to someone else. It’s not like giving away a pair of shoes or something.

And what if your job requires you not to be pregnant? You’re a model, a trainer, a construction worker? You work around chemicals or drive a lot? Are you supposed to be broke for months or look for a new job so a baby you don’t even want can grow? I don’t get it. I really don’t.

All I really know is this: Abortion is legal, I am fine with it, and no one is going to tell me or any other woman that they have to have a baby just because they got pregnant. Partly because I don’t want to end up like my cousins, who have a kid apiece, each by a guy who they aren’t with (one’s a drug addict and the other’s just a jerk), and who don’t seem to be going so far.

I am so the odd one out in my family. Not religious, not conservative, open minded…intelligent. …that was mean. Besides, my mother and my brother are pretty smart. (My mother is sort of old fashioned and my brother is an image obsessed teenager who thinks he knows everything and believes the Illuminati controls everything, which is either true and there’s nothing I can do about it, and thus I don’t care, or isn’t true, and thus I don’t care.)

I also despair that as we get older, we become less idealistic. My mother won’t even talk about hot button issues anymore, for the most part.

***

Well, on a lighter note…I start work tomorrow! YAY! YAY! YAY! It’s still only seasonal, but I DON’T CARE BECAUSE I’M GOING TO MAKE MONEY! AND THEN I WILL SAVE IT AND BUY A LITTLE HOUSE WITH A YARD IN A NEIGHBORHOOD WITH A POOL!

Okay, calmer now. But I did it! I managed to secure a job. I appear competent and professional and I WILL DO MY BEST SO THAT MAYBE THEY WILL KEEP ME! If they don’t keep me, at least I will have some money until I find something else and I will write more and save for school and I might be okay!  I am 75% excited and 25% nervous. I will breathe.

***

Way more snow then I thought there was gonna be. I hope it’s a little clearer tomorrow so I don’t have to be heading to my first day in my puffy coat and lined galoshes. If I must, then I will dress as professionally as possible underneath. I find it a little bit funny because my dress for work is going to be restaurant black and white, but oh well.

 

For tonight, I will relax, try to sleep well, and get off to a good start tomorrow.  Thanks for reading!

 

Sincerely yours,

J.J

A Post On Good Friday

I’m not religious, so all I notice about today is that everyone and their mother is out.

I went laptop shopping, with little success. It infuriates me that there are people who have jobs who are decidedly lousy at them, and I can’t get a gig answering phones or something.Anyway. First, we went to Best Buy. There wasn’t much selection, and the sales associate was…less than helpful. His answer to ‘What’s the difference between an i3 processor and an i5’?

‘They’re odd numbers.’ To our credit, neither one of us went ‘DURRRRRR’ in his face. Then we asked about the usual price, because the laptop on sale, and he just sort of stared at us before trying to sell us a wifi hotspot thing. So we left.

Then we went to P.C. Richards, where no one helped us with the laptops, but a very nice young man helped us choose an air conditioner, which we will buy later.

Then we went to Staples, which I laugh about now, since I declared I would never return. That was short-lived. But we didn’t buy anything. There was a laptop I liked, but it was a little over budget, and I’ve heard the protection plans in Staples are bad anything. So we went home and I was grouchy.

Oh, light but not a netbook laptop with a good processor and memory and battery light, where art thou?

And I’ve noticed that since I’m in a lower income area (not the ghetto or anything, but pretty middle class), that the customer service is LOUSY. What, we’re in a lower tax bracket, so we don’t deserve exemplary service. It’s really frustrating. We’re going to have to go into the city tomorrow and look there, just so we can get better service. It’s ridiculous.

Oh, and I’m meeting A on Sunday. It’s making me unsettled, which should probably tell me something. If my first reaction to seeing him isn’t happiness, I don’t think I want to be with him. Maybe that’s not even on the table anymore, and I’m just looking for closure now. My mother put it this way, ‘I never saw you being silly or cute with him.’ We were, but… I really don’t know. Sometimes it felt like I was dating two guys in one body, one who was sweet and embracing, but who was constantly eclipsed by someone slightly condescending and too serious, who put walls between us. And despite all that, I don’t know if I would say no, if he wanted to get back together. Whatever, I’ll just wait until Sunday, see how I feel.

And…I LOST SIX POUNDS MY FIRST WEEK ON WEIGHT WATCHERS! YAY! YAY! YAY! I feel better too. And it makes me notice all the crap I was eating before. I have 31 points per day, plus my 49 weekly points and whatever activity points I get. (I don’t have to use all of those, but I love the flexibility.) I’ll give you an example. I would eat a ten piece chicken nuggets, fries, and a soda from Wendy’s. The nuggets alone are ten points. That’s a third of my points for the day. Damn. Another example: a tablespoon of olive oil is 4 points, and I used to just pour tons of that stuff when I was cooking. So now? Lots of vegetables, veggies are no points and yum yum yum. Okay, that’s not true. Vegetables are good, I just don’t crave them the way I crave fried chicken. But that’s what WW is about, making healthy choices and only occasionally going to Roy Rogers and eating fried chicken. (Has anyone seen a Roy Rogers lately that isn’t in a service stop? That’s the only places I see them.)

Weight Watchers have nice snacks, like 2 point snack size ice cream sandwiches. And they have ones that have chocolate in them, and ones that are like Flying Saucers. Of course it’s just a way for Weight Watchers to make more money, but hey, so far it’s working for my body. I just have to work out more, need to firm everything up. I’m thinking about getting an exercise ball, a lot of at home exercises seem to use them, and sometimes I don’t want to go to the gym. I’m for sure going on Monday though. I wish I could get into a routine, but getting to the gym seems to be based on how I’m feeling. Maybe I should think of the gym as my job, since I don’t have an actual form of employment.

This week looks like it’s going to be fun. I hope it is.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

Thinking on the BMI and other things

 

I think we need some work on the BMI, or Body Mass Index. I’m probably more aware of it because according to BMI standards, I’m obese. OBESE. …I am not svelte, and I admit that. But the word ‘obese’ implies so many things: sick, gross, lazy, beyond fat. It upsets me, and my issues with weight are relatively minor. I can’t believe how it would sound to someone with serious body image issues. And, it doesn’t account for differences in body fat vs. muscles, or in body frame size. I mean, why are doctors using this? There must be another way, ones that don’t use obese for someone like me, who’s…pudgy? Squishy? Obese makes it sound like I’m 350 pounds and sedentary on the couch eating doughnuts all day, and it’s a heavy weight to bear. I’m not denying that I’m overweight, but I’m not obese.  It’s like everyone’s so worried about the obesity epidemic they’re trying to scare people skinny, but we need a new system.

Maybe this is all a product of knowing I’m going to the doctor on Wednesday and I know she’s going to yell at me for only losing a few pounds. Which is a little ridiculous in and of itself, she’s my doctor, I should be comfortable with her, not worry she’s going to scold me. It’s just adding shame to my lack of body confidence. …not that my doctor should be afraid to tell me if I’m going in the wrong direction, I just don’t want to be too afraid to ask questions.

 

I still crave sugar. Not as much as I used to, but I still love Frappucinos, cake, cupcakes, all those things. I tried to stop eating them entirely, and the result of that was…not binging, but compulsive eating and more craving. So I think I’m going to have them once in a while, and stress about them less, because I think the stress is less healthy than the snack. I’m just trying to plan my meals more, because not having a meal planned usually leads to a meal at McDonald’s or Wendy’s, which probably have the same nutritional value as a Styrofoam cup deep-fried and sprinkled with salt. It’s not that I don’t hunger for Chinese or other fast food on occasion, but I find myself much more satisfied with a bison burger (yum), mashed sweet potatoes (MMM) and corn and edamame salad (yum yum yum) than chicken nuggets, fries, and a soda or a Frosty. I don’t even like soda that much anymore, but if it’s there, I drink it.

I have, however, discovered the trick of Crystal Light. Water, as good as it is for me, gets boring something. Crystal Light as about 10 calories in a packet, and it helps to mix it up. I find I get bored if I have to eat or drink the same thing constantly, so this prevents me from drinking something with 26 grams of sugar and 150 calories instead. Anyone who has a hard time trying to kick soda or juice, this might be something you want to try.

Another thing I’m trying is my new candle. It’s a stress relief candle from the Bath and Body Works, and I think the scent of it is actually helping. If I’m stressed, I nibble. Not as stressed, less nibbling. I’ll keep it up for a few weeks, see if I notice a difference.

 

And now, a moment for A. I haven’t really thought about him today, but yesterday I was all down about him, in a weighing on my mind sort of way. I still can’t tell if I miss him, if I just miss the sex, if I just miss having someone around who thinks I’m pretty, if I just miss ‘having a boyfriend’. I wonder if I would feel this way if there was someone else in my life? I almost wish he would call again, saying ‘I really want to see you’, and that he couldn’t wait for me to call…but that might be creepy, now that I think about it. Maybe we could make it work, but so far everyone seems to be saying, to quote a friend, ‘Run, don’t walk. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. This is bad.’ …I suppose this is just another reason adult relationships are complicated and difficult. …I don’t even know. I guess I have to bring it up in therapy. Again. Don’t I have enough stuff to talk about, between my intimacy issues, my general anxiety, my general angst, and my lack of faith in myself? I have to drag around my ex as well? I wish I could just kick my feelings for him, forget about him, but I guess having a heart doesn’t work like that.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

 

A Working Experience

I had a gig yesterday, which made me feel all productive and everything. Granted , it wasn’t the most intellectually stimulating work (filling out forms and making out guest lists and online forms and credit card numbers) but I can’t complain too much. Except I can, because geez Louise.

I was working for my aunt and one of her friends, but there were other people present. My aunt happens to be blind, but she’s more capable than some people who aren’t handicapped, and only asks for help if she really needs it, or if it is openly offered. Her guests however, are not, and seem content to stay that way, which I don’t understand.  Being dependent, for me, is beyond frustrating. Being able to do things for myself excites me, simply because my depression and anxiety makes it so hard for me. And these women, who are physically disabled, seem…almost content with the idea that someone else has to do things for them, and that someone else will do things for them. Rather than ask for a cup of coffee, they simply proclaim ‘I want coffee’, and then express how they would like it, simply expecting the coffee to appear to their satisfaction. It seems a little…presumptuous to me. Naturally, I don’t expect blind or very handicapped people to do something that would be very difficult for them, not when it would be easier and more efficient for someone else to do. However, that doesn’t make it all right for them to just take advantage of that fact, and a demand does that. My aunt, when asking for something, has always been polite, no matter who she was asking something of.

I wonder if this distaste I have for these presumptuous women has something to do with my distaste for myself, or well, the old me. The one who never did very much on her own, relied on others to read her mind or do the things she found difficult, who shied away for her own responsibilities and difficulties. I think that would make sense; I’m so hard on myself, I think that if I recognized something that I found unacceptable in myself, I would certainly look down or at least disapprove of the trait or behavior in someone else. It might be unfair, because they could be just as frustrated with their own limitations as I am, but all I have to judge them on is their behavior, which I don’t like.

I didn’t exercise today because A. I was tired, and B. I think I messed up my stupid bad ankle. Either that or it’s going to get colder. Or rain. Either one. Or both, it doesn’t matter. My ankle doesn’t like any change in weather. I’m still having a hard time with motivation, too. I mean, if I’m already out, then I’m like, ‘Oh, I guess I can go to the gym.’ But if I’m at home, cozy? I might as well be under house arrest, because I just huddle under the blankets or putter around the apartment because I can’t get up and go! It’s like there’s more than one me, but the one who wants to go keeps getting shut down. Like this:

Enthusiastic!Me: Oh, look, we’re awake! Let’s get up!

Drowsy!Me: …eh. Sleepy. ::proceeds to roll over::

Enthusiastic!Me: …come on, get up get up get up get UP!

Pessimistic!Me: There’s no point in doing anything. Let’s go get some ice cream from the freezer.

Drowsy!Me: Don’t wanna get up. Sleepy.

Enthusiastic!Me: …come on you guys, let’s go, we’ll feel better!

Pessimistic!Me: There’s no point. Nothing will make us feel better.

Drowsy!Me: I’m trying to sleep. Be. Quiet.

Enthusiastic!Me: Oh, I give up, you guys are impossible.

Me: ::doesn’t get out of bed::

And so on it goes. Tomorrow I have to get up, because I have a gig and I’ve already gotten paid for it. (Need to go to bed on time, self!) But the day after? I don’t have to be up until it’s time for therapy. But maybe if I don’t look at it as an obligation, but as a fun thing, maybe I can go? In any case, it’s on my schedule. In the meantime, I’ll try to control my sweet tooth. …Oooh, I’ll buy hummus with tahini. That is super yummy. And not hugely fattening. …I think I should be cooking dinner, but there isn’t anything defrosted. I should make a supper plan too. Hah. Supper. Who says supper anymore? Well, apparently I do, but still.

 

I started a piece with A as the inspiration. It’s good, I think. It’s a little racy too. Not too surprising, considering the source material. I mean, we were so sexual. Not that’s all we were, but it was a sexually charged relationship, when we weren’t pondering on the universe and all that. I mean, I don’t think I believed half of what was coming out of his mouth, but it was interesting. I think he was always gauging my reactions. I think he saw me as something of a student, someone who would think of him as worldly, that he could teach. Which is one of the things that I didn’t like as much, because it made me feel inferior, as much as it drew me in. Like I said, it was interesting. But as for what I think is becoming a short story, it’s not a direct telling of us, my stories never mimic life exactly, but he is the spark that started this little fire. So we’ll feel what happens, once I get to the end of it. Speaking of which, I’m going to go write and release more emotions! Yay for emotional catharsis!

Sincerely yours,

J.J