A Christmas Reapperance

24 12 2013

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I have a part time job in an office! Had it for a few months now, but I’ve been MIA so I’m announcing it now with the celebratory call of the employed: YESSSSSSSSSMON-NAY!

I mean, I’ll probably only be here until September, because I’ve been promised full time schooling in the fall! YAY FOR EDUCATION! But then I’ll go back to food service and not wearing real clothes to work. Unless I get a super ultimately cool internship! Which would be super ultimately cool! (…I’ve been watching too much anime.)

Still with my new boyfriend! (I mean, we’ve been dating since July, so he’s not new, per say, but whatever.) We spent Thanksgiving with his family and we’re splitting Christmas between lunch with his parents and the rest of the day with my family! We’ve survived my stomach flu, we don’t fight (well, I mean, we disagree, but we communicate!) and we laugh a lot.

He’s still not super hunky, but sometimes I get this fluttery caramel feeling looking at his face. I don’t get it.

We’ve exchanged ‘I love you’s. He said it first. I totally said it without planning; it just popped out. It makes me excited and terrified and OMG and like a cork popped out of a bottle of champagne when I wasn’t expecting it.

My therapist worries that it’s not a good thing, since he’s only tutoring right now and doesn’t have a steady job and might not be a forever kind of guy. I hope he turns out to be, but I hear where she’s coming from. It’s not like he’s not looking for work or something. He’s not very materialistic, but I think he likes the idea of supporting me and saving up for a place,  so I think it’ll give him a good kick in the butt even though he’s not a fan of job searching, it stresses him out. (He’s less social than I am, if you can believe it.)

I like having a job. Makes me feel like I have purpose and such. Not as much as a publishing job would, but you know, baby steps!

I have gotten totally into baking lately. I really hope a mixer is under the tree tomorrow, the one I have is a bit old and only has those silver mixing curly sticks. I bought all my presents already, but tonight is wrapping night/brownie night! I’m making my boyfriend’s parents brownies for Christmas. And the buzz from him is that my family totally likes me! YAAAAAY.

What’s everyone hoping for this Christmas? (Or what did you get for Hanukkah?)

Also, what exactly is up with Instagram? Everyone at work is all ‘Oh, I don’t do Facebook, Instagram is where it’s at’.


I think I’m going to start over again with Weight Watchers in the New Year. I’ve been stuck stuck stuck at 152 since my stupid stomach flu-I lost about four pounds but then was so weak afterwards that I totally stopped exercising and then the holidays came around and there was pie and stuffing and office parties and…and…I am weak to those things. And it’s almost my birthday, which means my favorite red velvet cake…yup, New Year’s Resolution is the best way to go. Get back on the wagon, so to speak! I’m not going the ‘It’s the holidays, so it doesn’t count’ route though, I might as well accept another five pounds, and I’m not doing that!


Did everyone watch this season of the Walking Dead? IT WAS AWESOME. It comes back in February, so if you’re behind, it’s time to catch up! Unless you can’t do gore, ’cause this show has blood and guts everywhere.

Oh, other New Year’s resolutions: More posts and more writing!

Speaking of which, I really should be doing that, so I’ll sign off. Merry Christmas, everyone, and if I don’t get on, Happy New Year too!

Sincerely yours,



Had A Nice Christmas

26 12 2012

Hardly anyone came for Christmas, but it was nice, all the same.

I got an iPhone 5, so YAY NEW SHINY THING. It’s pretty damn cool, I must say, so for once I’m glad I’m like everyone else on the planet who has one.

And tomorrow is my birthday! YAY ME.

Big C probably can’t go anywhere with me for New Year’s, which means, most likely, I will be at home. With my mother. Yay! <_<
As you can tell, I’m thrilled. I intend to spend it, at the very least, imbibing alcohol.

BB hasn’t e-mailed me since Christmas Eve, and I’m convinced, as per my usual level of self confidence, that I did something wrong. I shouldn’t give a damn, but I do. It probably doesn’t help that my period hasn’t shown up. I thought it was, but so far, not so much. I know I’m not pregnant-I mean, I’ve lost weight since meeting him, so I don’t think I’m growing a baby inside me.

Though it makes me think, again, about what I would do if I was. Logic says that I should run to the nearest place that provides abortions, and tell no one, not even him. I mean, I’m in no place to raise a kid, certainly not with a man I had a one night stand with. Or without him, as well the case may be. (Big C says that I shouldn’t assume that men won’t step up, but in my experience they don’t, so I would assume that BB wouldn’t be any different. Which is probably why I’m still single; I don’t trust men, and apparently I appeal to a very small demographic of women.)

But I don’t know if it would be so easy, once I knew. I mean, could I go into a doctor’s office and say ‘I don’t want to be pregnant or a mother, please take care of this for me?’ I don’t know. The part of me that wants to be a mother more than anything says no. The part of me that wants to travel the word says yes. I don’t know which would win out.


Also, I have eaten tons of crap today. Cake and apple turnovers and cookies and crap crap crap. Thank Weight Watchers for the Weekly Points, otherwise I would be totally screwed. Mmm. And today is Wednesday, so my points reset tomorrow. I made it through Christmas without using all my points, yay!

And I’ve put Barcelona on my list of places to see; I don’t know much about architecture and I still find the buildings staggering. I know I live in a great country, but damn, the old world had gorgeous things. Like this.

File:Palau Nacional.jpg

The National Art Museum in Catalonia

Gorgeous! Or this!

CasaBatllo 0170.JPG


I don’t know what this is, but it’s gorgeous, and makes me think it’s from another world.

In the meantime, I have work tomorrow, and I have a cough that is kicking my ass today. I don’t know where it came from, and now I’m wheezing a little bit. I have no desire to be sick, so I’m sucking on tea and cough drops and hoping I make it to work tomorrow. I’m really hoping that they’ll keep me, because I really don’t want to be on the hunt for a job again. But the part of me that finds other people irritating is all ‘YAY NO MORE WORK!’ But I need the money and the activity. With my job I average about 4 activity points a day, and without it I have a tendency to sit around, since I don’t push myself too hard. However, I am looking at fitness classes that the city sponsors, maybe that’ll suit me better than a gym I never go to because it’s too far and I don’t feel welcome there.

…I really try to sound positive…but I would feel better if BB would just e-mail, which would mean I wouldn’t have scared off another guy with my issues. Unless of course, I didn’t in fact make a mistake and he’s just busy. But either way, I’m not on his mind and I’m bummed and instead of doing something constructive, I’m eating chicken fingers (baked, not fried) and drinking Smirnoff Ice. See, if this was a chick flick, this would be the beginning, and then I would win a trip to Europe, lose the rest of my weight, and BB would realize, hey, he’s madly in love with me and we run off on a trip together and eventually get married. I would wear this.


Ignore the no boob model, focus on that skirt. Ah. …I love how I love wedding gowns and have little faith in the institution of marriage. THANK YOU SPERM DONOR! Also, I would have more respect for the fashion industry if they designed for women with curves. (There is an Australian model who appeared in Glamour sometime this year, I think, who is a size 10/12 and SO HOT OMG, so don’t tell me curvy can’t be dressed. I can’t think of her name. But she was pretty pretty pretty.)

…I am sure I am not sober anymore. Time for ending the post. Good night everybody!

Sincerely yours,


Christmas Shopping

22 12 2012

I have all my presents!

Except for this last batch of cookies, which I have to bake, but that’s it. Tomorrow and Monday will be wrapping days. Everyone got everything? Is everyone at home for Christmas already?

I was at the mall today. Holy cheese were there a lot of people. Parking was a minor miracle-we were in the line for the valet parking and someone nearby pulled out, so we almost had to throw down with a nearby car. But they backed off, because we were there first, and I guess they didn’t want to fight at Christmas.

I spent more than a hundred bucks today, but isn’t it so fun to spend money? I’m very American that way. What about you? What do you spend it on?

BB is going home for Christmas today. I’m assuming that he’s there already, as it’s midnight there. I hope he’s happy to be with his family. We didn’t e-mail today. I missed talking to him, but you can’t compete with family and Christmas. We’re just pen-friends, after all.

::listens to Merry Christmas, Darling. AGAIN.::

ARGH. I was trying not to think about him. But I keep listening, hoping that I’ll hear ‘Set Fire to the Rain.’ Yes, the Adele song, I was getting tired of hearing ‘Telephone.’ But I didn’t hear it all day, so I was a little sad.

But I am not going to get bummed about it, because CHRISTMAS IS IN THREE DAYS OMG YAY!

Speaking of which…I think my dough might be ready to cut now. 🙂 I will make gingerbread cookies, and I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT CUTE BRITISH BOYS WITH THEIR ACCENTS AND CUTE E-MAILS AND THEIR ABILITY TO ROCK MY WORLD IN BED. …yeah right.

I. Hate. Crushing. HATE.

9 12 2012

I am so tired of this.

I put ‘Telephone’ as my e-mail alert so I’ll know when BB e-mails, and now I get stupid happy every time my phone plays it.

I tried to spend a normal night with Big C last night, and we had fun, but I spent half of it e-mailing with BB (who I keep wanting to refer to by his real name). Big C is all ‘He likes you’ and I’m all ‘Yeah, but fat lot of good that does me.’ I’m right, because there is a big gap between ‘I like you and think you’re sexy’ to ‘I want a relationship with you.’ Especially since he lives, oh, 4000 MILES FROM HERE! ARGH. And even if we did live within a mile of each other, he still probably wouldn’t want to date me. I give off the ‘I HAVE ISSUES’ aura or something. I am complicated! I’m wonderful, but…argh. I’m frustrated. I am also glad I didn’t give BB this web address, because that would be awkward as hell.

And really, I shouldn’t be crushing this hard. I don’t crush this hard. But I am now. MEH. I am simultaneously holiday happy and frustrated crush miffed. (That sounds like a lip color, frustrated crush.)

Oooh, something that has nothing to do with British Boy! I spent a crapton of money today-Lush stuff (some of it was for a gift, some was for me) Starbucks, and Sephora stuff. I did get a free gift with my Sephora Beauty Insider points, so now only a hundred and thirty more (that’ll take about five minutes) and I can get the free gift pack or whatever. YAY! …god, how am I ever going to afford a trip at this rate? I need to stop spending money on crap. But I like spending! It’s fun!

You know how much a ticket to Japan costs, plain old economy class? (Who the hell says economy class. It’s coach, everyone says coach.) It’s over a thousand dollars. WTF. I mean, and that’s not including hotel rates or an sublet, food, souvenirs, whatever else you spend on vacation. ::sigh:: I need a real job.

Oh! Back to British Boy again. He’s going on a train trip around Europe around Easter, and all I want in the world is for him to say ‘Hey, do you want to come along? It’ll totally be fun!’ And then we see Europe and have fabulous sex in train cars and fall madly in love like we’re in…I was going to say Trainspotting, but that’s the movie where Ewan  Mcgregor is addicted to heroin and a baby dies and they steal something and some other crap happens. It’s a good movie, but I think I’d rather live in…what’s a movie where a former one night stand couple go on a trip together and fall in love? That.

Not that I’m in love with him. That’s not possible, I don’t know him well enough. But I like him so much. And you know what I am? The penfriend of a guy who doesn’t want a long distance relationship. I am in the long distance friendzone. Except I can’t be in the friendzone because we talk too much about sex. So I am in the long distance friends-with-benefits zone. Which is even worse!

And don’t get me wrong, I know how stupid this is. I met him once. Once. At a sex club. Where we sat and talked before screwing each other’s brains out. And then he kissed me good-bye, and that was it. It’s not exactly a story you’d tell your kids, huh? ‘How’d you meet Daddy?’ Ha. Right.

…sorry. I’m going on. Okay, time for a poll!

Who thinks that, if this goes on for another month, that I should just confess and stop torturing myself? And who thinks I should shut up and just forget about the boy? I am actually asking seriously, blog readers. I feel like I’m in ninth grade right now, god damn my arrested adolescence. I feel foolish…but I love these fluttery feelings all the same.

Sincerely yours,



The End Of Christmas

26 12 2011


And now Christmas is over. The hustle and bustle, the shiny new gift feeling, the meaning of the decor- all done for another year. I ate unhealthy food with everyone else, and cake as well. It was a lot of fun, with all the conversation and family close together.

I invited A over for our Christmas. (Naturally, being me, I was nervous.) But he came, and, to my shock, brought wine. (He doesn’t drink-did I mention that?) But everyone liked it, so that was good. He liked his gifts (yay, I did well!), but mine hasn’t come yet, so he’s giving it to me later. I was a little miffed he didn’t order my gift in time to get it here for Christmas, but I don’t think it’s something to make a fuss over. But if I don’t get at least a phone call on my birthday (which is tomorrow, yay), then he is totally in the doghouse and not getting any appetizers for his New Year’s party. (If it weren’t pointless and juvenile I would deny him sex. But I won’t have the will power for that, and he has other outlets. And, as I said, it’s pointless and juvenile.)

Sometimes I think he manipulates me. But I can’t tell if it’s me being paranoid or if he’s actually manipulative (I know he’s capable of being manipulative, so it’s not as if it isn’t part of his personality), so I’ll leave it as it is for right now. I’m still trying to see if my attempts at making him feel more appreciated even go anywhere before I worry about anything else. Sometimes I’m sure he’s going to break up with me and I want to try and run. But I’ll stay. Even if it breaks me.

…wow, that was a sad note to end on. But I’m actually in a pretty good mood. I’m just thinking. (As A would say, ‘Uh-oh.)




Today, I think, was a good day.

20 12 2011

Well, the day isn’t over yet, but it is a good day so far.

I like to celebrate good days. Everyone should do that.

Fellow anxiety sufferers, if you have a hard time getting out of the house and getting on with your day, I have a tip: do one thing at a time. Don’t think of the whole picture. It’s overwhelming. If you have to talk yourself through each step, then do so. It’s okay. Also, smell some lavender. It helps. At least it helps me. Or have a little sweet, let it distract you. Oh, and deep breaths. It’s cliché as hell, but it does help. Not always, but it can keep the feeling that you’re going to drown in your own nerves at bay.

I’m at A’s place. He’s out at the moment, hence the blog post. But soon he will be home, and then we may watch True Blood (he’s totally getting me into it) and then we can have sexy times!

On the relationship front, I’m going to try and nurture him more, and he seems less stressed. I brought him dinner, which he ate up, so I did a good deed, and I hope I can make him feel loved and respected. I want to stay with him. We can be corny together and still be sexy, which is nice, and I’m comfortable with him, which for me is HUGE. I mean, Empire State Building being carried across the plains of Africa by a giant herd of bull elephants huge.

I know there’s always the chance that we could break up. I know that. But I’m going to try not to worry about it, because I think it prevents me from enjoying the relationship as it is now. Not worrying, for me, is a little like not wanting sweets, but I will try anyway.

Also, my Christmas shopping is still.not.done. And it’s five days until Christmas. Why do I procrastinate to my own detriment? Now I’m going to have to dive into the chaos and terror that is last minute Christmas shopping. Well, at least I won’t be alone. I would go tomorrow, but tomorrow is waiting-for-packages-and-the-new-sofa day. How exciting, right? But it must be done.

Mother: I have a gift for her, but not everything I want to get her. ::sigh::

Brother: Getting his gift Thursday.

A: Part of his gift I have, the rest isn’t here yet.

Everyone else: I have nothing. ::cries::

And I’m worried part of A’s present won’t get here in time. I’m still worrying (ha ha) about how I appear to him. I want to be a potential partner, and I want to hold up well against Faraway Potential Wife, who I will now refer to as FPW because I am too lazy to type out that whole title every time.



SG2: boyfriend’s other serious girlfriend

…is that it? I think so. My memory isn’t the best, so…yeah. I’ll add more as I go.

But yeah. He might marry FPW, not for what I would consider the right reasons, but I’m pretty biased, right? I’d prefer he doesn’t, but in the end it’s his choice. I’m just not sure how I’ll feel once he has a wife that isn’t me, who’s known him longer. He doesn’t think she’ll push me out, but…

I’ll put it this way-I’ve known women to get jealous, and to get possessive. I don’t care how cool he says she is, it’s one thing to agree to your partner seeing other people, and another thing altogether to see him treasure someone else. I guess we’ll see. Their marriage isn’t a sure thing. We aren’t getting married anytime soon, I can tell you that. And I’m fine with that. Being a wife is a very big deal, and I’m not ready. I guess I just don’t like the idea of someone else being his wife. I’d rather we find someone (or more than one someone) we can live in a unit with. It might be unconventional, but I’d rather be unconventional than a married couple and the lover. It seems too uneven.

Heck, I might completely change my tune if I find someone I’m interested in. Who knows? I might have a chance encounter and fall for someone who I want to share my time with. Or maybe I’m actually a serial monogamist and haven’t realized it yet. But, again, who knows? Only time will tell, or something equally cliché.



The Christmas Aura, and A and I

17 12 2011

I was sadly lacking in Christmas cheer until today. I don’t know if it’s universal, but once December hits me, usually I’m so infused with Christmas spirit I’m practically pooping tinsel. But this year, it wasn’t so exciting. I don’t know what it was. But then today, I went into a little ‘holiday market’ thing with my mother. I wanted to do something Christmas-ey. And so we did. We looked in almost every little booth (jewelry made from real orchids, porcelain lamps, the most delicious waffles (mine had whipped cream and maple syrup and strawberries…), we soaked in the aura of Christmas, bought an ornament made with cloves (I love the smell of cloves, don’t you?), and bars of scented soaps. Not pastel flowery soaps, I don’t like those. Ours have scents like mango and spice and lavender, things that make me feel sensual and a little exotic, rather than puffed up on roses. I also got a little bar of dark blueberry lavender chocolate. Mmm…

And then we picked up a little Christmas tree, the kind you put on the table. It’s a nice tree, and it gives the house that pine smell, that really makes me feel like it’s going to be Christmas.

Thankfully, I’ve gotten my mother a present already, and ordered A’s things already, but my brother’s present I haven’t gotten yet. I really keep leaving things for the last minute. I’m too old for this constant procrastination.

I worry sometimes that my children (who are right now nothing but wonderings and dreams of potential) won’t see Christmas as anything more than the presents. I’m not especially religious, but I do love this time of year. The gifts, the family, the bustle, the idea that once a year everyone can come together in joy and happiness and celebrate whatever Christmas means to them. I want it to be more than Black Friday and who gets what. I want the Christmas dinner where everyone passes their platters, shares their gifts and sips their drinks while everything is scented with good food and pine. I want the joy.


A seems really down. He’s usually so easy going, it hurts me when he’s like this. He hasn’t called, even though he answers my texts, and I’m worried about calling- I don’t want to intrude on him if he’d rather be alone. I’m still unsure if my presence is comforting to him or not, or if he’d rather I just wait until he’s in a better mood. I hope it isn’t the later. I don’t think we’ll last, not if when he’s upset he doesn’t want me around. What if we move in together one day? Am I supposed to hide out in the house, dodging his moods? Oh, am I just worrying about this too much? I think sometimes that if I worried anymore my hair would fall out!

I think I want to tell him I love him. But I am still such a weak thing, and exposing my heart that way…I still think I don’t dare. I’ll have to show him. I’m not indifferent. I’m just…scared of stepping out on the ice. Metaphorically speaking. I’m such an indecisive creature.

I want to keep growing.