I was going to write a coherent post. Then stuff happened.

4 08 2013

 

Drum roll please.

…I SAID DRUM ROLL PLEASE.

Thank you!

I…

Have a new boyfriend! OMG! It’s so crazy.

Now, he’s no Benedict Cumberbatch. (Is anyone?) I think that’s only occurred to me because the media has constantly provided us with the idea that love requires physical near-perfection and constant conflict,

He might not be the prettiest face, but he’s not ugly, and I like him very much. What’s the quote? ‘Love is not finding a perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.’ Don’t remember who said it. The words are more important.

I’ll call him…hmmm, he needs a nickname. I will call him Sweetness, ’cause he is really quite sweet. Sometimes sweeter than I can handle.

He’s not exactly clingy, but he can hover a little bit. He likes to hold my hand, which I don’t mind. And he cares. He remembers little things. I mentioned a book I couldn’t get from the library, he found it for me. When I was having a bad day he told me to call him any time. And I feel safe in his arms. For me, that means a lot.

Also (innocents, cover your ears), I haven’t had full on sex with him yet. He seems to enjoy getting me off,  quietly, and we haven’t had much privacy, so it’s really slow, especially for me.  And he’s okay with it.

I think that’s the best part. Plus the hope.

The hope that maybe it’s forever. And the hope that we’ll have fun. We already have fun. We’re awkward together, we’re fun together, we wander around for hours and never get bored. We like to cuddle.

Let’s see where we are by December.

In the meantime, I think I’m getting a cold, so I’m going to keep this short.

What’s everyone’s favorite part of a relationship?

Sincerely yours,

J.J.

P.S. I’ve gained four pounds. I weep. But Sweetness wants me to go jogging with him, so that’ll be fun, no?





The Zimmerman-Martin Trial.

14 07 2013

 

Before yesterday, I was planning on writing a post about my new internship, and my dating life. But I think this is going to be a more serious post.

Now, I’ll admit I haven’t been following the trial extremely closely. Nor was I expecting Zimmerman to get convicted of murder. I was hoping that he could be convicted of manslaughter, but it seemed unlikely, especially under Florida law. The jury probably followed the letter of the law. That being said-

I am pissed off, and I’m sad.

There was a teenager walking home, and never got there. And no one of this needed to happen. Had everyone, as I have suggested in an earlier post, minded their own business, it would have been just another ordinary evening. But Zimmerman got out of his car and followed a teenager. Trayvon, who can’t be asked what happened, most likely was unnerved by being followed and reacted without thinking about it. And the end result is a dead teenager and a man who will forever be branded as a violent racist and will never be able to go out in public again without looking over his shoulder.

I don’t think that the jury was necessarily wrong-if the state didn’t have enough evidence to convict Zimmerman, his attorneys would have just appealed. But that doesn’t seem like enough to gloss the situation over.

Parents no longer have their son, and a lot of people feel reminded that there is still racism and a lack of justice in this country.

I just worry that there are people walking the streets with guns. I don’t believe there is any real need for a civilian to carry a loaded gun. It’s one thing to have a rifle in your hunting lodge to shoot targets or deer or something on weekends, but what’s your average citizen going to need a pistol first? What, you think someone’s going to hold up a Starbucks? Even if you do, you’re more likely to make the situation worse than become a hero. And then there are people carrying guns that wouldn’t pass a police psych exam. I know the criminal elements have weapons, but I doubt a lay person with a hand gun is going to stand much of a chance against a hardened criminal anyway.

…all this just makes me tired. Why can’t everyone just live and let live? Everyone seems to want to hate or distrust someone. Why? We all live in this world, and we all just want to be happy. Can’t we bond over that? No one was born into this world to enter conflicts. We came into this world to live. I don’t know why hating each other has so much more power than that.

Well, thanks for reading. I’m going to go and read something funny.

Sincerely yours,

J.J.





Starbucks Is Eating All My Money

23 06 2013

I have a Frappuccino addiction, and with someone at my income level it is devastating. I have very little money, and when I get money, do I save it? Nope. I justify that whatever piddly amount I have isn’t worth putting towards my student loans or savings and spend it like I have thousands just waiting to be spent. It’s not like I have rent or bills or anything, so who cares, goes the mentality. Oddly enough, once I have a steady paycheck, I’ll probably be a lot better with money and budgeting.

Also, any of the Light Frappuccinos at Starbucks don’t automatically come with Skinny syrup. They are made with skim milk and I think the base is different, but the syrup isn’t, you have to ask for that separately. It doesn’t change the price, but you would think that the low calorie version would have sugar free syrup, or at least the versions that  would use the sugar free syrups that they already carry. Yes? No?

Other things I hate about Starbucks:

1. Baristas who get pissed when you tell them they messed up your drink. I’ve done that job, I know once a drink is done you want to forget about it. But I never got an attitude about it.

2. People who don’t know what they want. ‘I want something with chocolate. No, I don’t know what it’s called. I WANT CHOCOLATE.’

3. The ‘real’ Starbucks are inconsistent as hell when they make my Frappuccinos. Too thick, ice chunks, funny taste. I have a favorite barista in the frickin’ Barnes and Noble Starbucks. She makes it perfectly. I need her to make a tutorial or something.

Now there is a break, because I had to take a Benedryl and I’m too sleepy to type properly.

THE NEXT DAY

Bobbi Brown wrote this makeup manual, and the girly part of me that doesn’t care about practicality or sense or anything that isn’t soft and pink and glittery is all OMG I MUST HAVE ALL OF THESE PRODUCTS WHEE. The rest of me is all ‘…who the hell has the time or money or inclination to buy and use of these things? There’s twenty different brushes and sponges and what?’ Maybe I’m just bitter because I can never find a makeup that covers but doesn’t give me zits and doesn’t feel like thin cake batter on my face. …or maybe I don’t want to spend twenty minutes every day fixing my face and blending foundation and penciling my eyebrows.

…maybe I should get a makeup consultation or something. Or read the rest of the book. When I have money to buy it and take it home and put different things on my face.

Okay, now I’m going to talk about Active Link, Weight Watcher’s activity tracker thingy. I am now obsessed with it. I feel badly about myself if I don’t get 100% activity goal every day. It’ll be ten thirty at night and I’m doing jumping jacks like a mad woman going ‘I’M ONLY 98%, I HAVE TO MAKE 100% ARGH I AM OBSESSED.

No, really, I keep poking the jiggly areas of my body in frustration and then I go into plank. And then I eat baby carrots and pita chips and hummus. Mmm. So crunchy.

And I really really really want to like yogurt. And I don’t unless it’s really sweetened, which totally defeats the purpose of yogurt. So I want a smoothie, but then it tastes too much like yogurt and I don’t like it unless I put Crystal Light in it and ARGH HEALTHY FILLING EATING IS HARD. Sometimes I just want a cheeseburger with bacon and fries. And a milkshake. A chocolate milkshake. Sigh.

But I’m having a turkey burger with grilled potatoes, possibly with steamed broccoli. And that’s pretty good too.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





After a long absence.

21 06 2013

I got an internship! YAY! Now so long as my various psychological problems don’t interfere, I should be fine. …oh boy. Got lots to talk about in therapy.

I think tonight is going to be a pondering post.

1. Why are people still debating about abortion? It’s the same points over and over, this 20-weeks thing is unconstitutional, and it seems no one is ever going to come to an agreement on it. I personally am very happy that no one can tell me to have a baby I don’t want, and the first person to tell me that if I don’t want a baby I should stop having sex is going to get kicked in the rear. Everyone should have access to contraception, use it, and the government can shut it about what’s going on in my uterus.

2. According to a lot of the comments on judgybitch, (I’m not linking to her, look it up if you want), if I want to get a man and not be a slut who will eventually have nothing to offer, I should wash his clothes, cater to his every need, make him sandwiches, and put him before myself in every respect, and then he’ll take care of me. My response to this was: Huh? What happened to marriage being a partnership?  I always thought marriage should be more of a ‘Hey, you wash the clothes and mow the lawn, I’ll cook dinner and clean the floors, and then we’ll sit down with the kids and eat and put the kids to bed and have some good sex and go to sleep’ sort of deal. I want to lean on someone, sure, but I want them to lean on me too. Equals. See?

…I’ve been reading up on it, and everyone seems to have an opinion and rules on love, and I don’t think anyone really knows. I’m just going to wing it.

You know what I think? Eighty percent of the world’s problems would be solved if everyone minded their own goddamn business about things that weren’t any of their business. If no one is being hurt or taken advantage of,  shut up about it.

OH NO THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE ARE HAVING SEX THAT I DON’T APPROVE OF! …are they making you have sex? No? Shut up about it. OH NO THOSE PEOPLE ARE PRACTICING A RELIGION I DON’T APPROVE OF! …are they making you practice the religion? No? Shut up about it. OH NO THOSE PEOPLE ARE BEING RIDICULOUS AND I DON’T APPROVE! Are they making you act ridiculous? No? Shut up about it. (I need to follow that last one.)

With that stuff out of the way, we can focus on curing disease and ending world hunger and discovering cold fusion. And maybe play some Angry Birds in our down time. (Also, how weird is it that I’m totally broke, but still have an iPhone? This country is weird. And privileged. I occasionally remind myself that despite all the crap that I’ve been through, my life isn’t that bad. I have a place to sleep and privacy and air conditioning and I’m not starving and working three jobs to pay the rent on a one bedroom fifth floor walk up that I share with three other people. And that’s only bad by American standards.)

After a certain man ran off to Hong Kong, my brother was all OMG CAMERAS IN THE WALLS. Paranoia scares me, especially when it defies logic. There are millions of people in this country, too many for a small number to sit around and watch all day and night. This isn’t 1984. There is potential to be observed, and I object to that for the sake of our civil liberties, but practically speaking, I’m pretty sure the government isn’t listening to my phone calls.

Any sort of unquestioning belief bothers me. I just question everything. Except for gravity. I like believing in gravity, it makes it easier to get to the store.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Cloudy Nights and Champagne

25 05 2013

This is how I first pronounced the word champagne: SHAM-pag-neh. I had only ever seen it written and I was probably about twelve at the time. Funny.

In case it comes across later, I have imbibed a small bottle of champagne and I have the alcohol tolerance of a weasel.

If I ever go to China, all I will be able to say in Chinese is ‘Hello’ (nihao) ‘moon’ (yue) and TV (dian shi). Two of those words I learned from fortune cookies and the other I learned from Cardcaptor Sakura. Awesome. Aces. Whatever.

Pretty Woman is a stupid movie. I love it.

I hate Facebook. Everyone uses it to communicate and it makes me feel socially awkward and superior because 96% of Facebook is INANE BULLSHIT.

You know what else is bullshit? That there are SIX Fast and Furious movies. SIX. All of which consist of half naked women and vehicles exploding. I tried watching Tokyo Drift once and there was so little plot I decided to watch Teen Mom instead!

Yet when I want to watch a movie, I get overruled in favor of one of those movies? American cinema depresses me.

I know nothing about Star Trek except Patrick Stewart says ‘make it so’. I want to see Into Darkness because Benedict Cumberbatch is in it and because he’s the new Sherlock Holmes that rocks my socks off. Is it weird that my ideal man is a fictional arrogant dysfunctional  borderline sociopathic asexual who shoots holes in the wall when he’s  bored? I mean, I doubt he would make a good husband or father, but good god if I met a man like that I just might follow him to the ends of the earth.

 

Ooh, new topic. I have a few neuroses. One of these is that I am very unnerved by anyone entering my space. If I come back to my room and anything is disturbed, it freaks me out. Even if it’s been cleaned. I’m still like ‘OMG SPACE INVADED ARGH’. Thanks for violating my spirit and body further, abuser! /sarcasm

My family is aware of this. However, it seems my idiot brother doesn’t get it. I came home today, and my bed was remade incorrectly. Boom, alarm bells. I pull the sheet back, and my fitted sheet is gone, replaced by some other one. And he admits he was in my bed. I want to smack him in the mouth. He has no reason to be in my bed, and I can’t handle having my bed touched, I don’t like anyone sleeping in my bed unless I’m sleeping with them. Period. And I’ve told him this.

It’s disrespectful, and he doesn’t care. Should my mother not set him straight, I’m going to say, to his face, ‘Your daddy liked to come into my room at night and creep into my bed, so now I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO THAT.’ Maybe that will get his attention. Good god.

Another new topic!

My godmother’s daughter (who I think of as a younger cousin) had her bridal shower today. It was lovely. We got her a cocktail shaker and a bottle opener, both shaped like sperm whales. She loved them. Which was good, because someone else got her the same thing. She and her husband-to-be like their drinks, so they’ll get use out of them, at least. Bridal showers are fun. It was a little sad because my godmother really should have been there, but she’s been dead for almost a year, so instead we all got to tear up when one of the gifts was a drawing in a glass frame of the bride and her mother. My mother cried. Then we had cake.

…and that’s about it, and my buzz is pretty much worn off, so now I can sleep. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. And I’m back again!

Sincerely yours,

J.J





Restless

22 04 2013

 

That’s basically how I am now.

I don’t want to be home, but I don’t want to be out, because I don’t really have anywhere to be, and I’d rather be home doing nothing or writing than be out wandering. I have to be in a certain mood to wander. It’s not like I’m in a new city or country, where wandering will always lead to something different. Here, I have paths that I have walked, and the part of me is nervous and scared of anything unfamiliar doesn’t like to be forced off the path without a specific destination.

So I’m going to try a new thing, starting this week sometime. I think I will pick a destination, and head for it, and explore that way. Once I’m out, it’s much harder to run and hide, and the part of me that loves new things will be too busy looking around to let the scared part protest. Once the weather is a little warmer, I will return to the cupcake shop again, and wander the area around there. (I can’t afford most of the area around it, but it’s fun to window shop. Plus, there’s a tea cafe around there, and I want to go back to it. I went there on a date once, I haven’t been back since, and it would be nice to go again.)

I’m also thinking about going back to my support group. I feel like sometimes I need something that’s not therapy, but I can just…talk and be with people who get it. And I think it’ll help me develop my empathy more, listening to others and not getting irritated by their expression of emotion.

On another note-I’ve lost forty-five pounds! Holy crap, right? I started out at 198 pounds, and now I’m at 153! Now, the top end of my healthy weight range is 141 pounds, and I don’t want to be right at the top. Also, to be a Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers I have to stay within 2 pounds of my goal weight. (Well, two pounds above, I can go below if I wish.) So I’m going for 138, which is fifteen pounds down. I bet I can do it. I mean, the last ten pounds are apparently the hardest, but I’m going to do it.

I’ll probably have to work on my fitness ADD. Apparently I hate workouts that feel like workouts as well- I’ll do high knees and butt kicks while I jog with the dog, but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten through a workout DVD. (I like the Wii Fit, but the Wii’s disk drive can’t read the disk anymore, so I can’t do it. I am crushed.)

(Those of you who want to lose weight and have a dog, take the dog for more walks. It helps and the dog will be happy.)

Tomorrow, however, I’m going to make cupcakes for my ceramics class. It’s an expression for my love of baking and my affection for the members of my class. (Except for irritating Hobble Husband. I call him that because he hurt himself being an idiot and is on crutches, and also he is a pitiful excuse for a husband to his wife. No job, thinks too much of himself, expects her to constantly accommodate him, and has the shallow charisma that appeals to people but conceals his flaws. Gag me. I hate men like that. However, he’s getting a cupcake because it’s not as if I can keep it from him and I like his wife very much.)

I feel less restless now. I think this blog helps me with that feeling. I’m grateful for it. And for you guys who apparently read it, ha ha.

Sincerely yours,

J.J





In Barnes and Noble

5 04 2013

I’m writing this post from a table at Barnes and Noble. I’ve been here about an hour; it’s a good place to write-people watch, yada yada. Most of the people here, myself included, at least buy a drink before hogging a table for ages. There are at least three people who haven’t, which annoys the crap out of me. Then people who actually have drinks have nowhere to sit. And two out of the three are these sketchy white guys who are either developmentally disabled or serial killers. One has one of the most pointless comb overs that I’ve ever seen, it’s like he threaded his head.

This week is almost over, thank goodness, because for some reason I have been snacking like a fiend and I have five weekly points left. Out of forty-nine. But today hasn’t been so bad. I had a Healthy Choice meal (the Top Chef ones are pretty good) and a salad, a large iced mocha (skim milk and sugar free syrup!), and two clementines. I have no idea what I’m going to do for dinner. I’m not going to be hungry for a while, so I’ve got a bit to figure it out. God, sometimes eating is a pain.

Okay, Comb Over has been reading the same page for about five minutes. Either he’s slow, or he’s not actually reading. He probably has body parts in his freezer. And Fat Pretentious Pubes Beard keeps picking at himself. Gross gross gross.

Oh, I almost forgot. This is my other blog. My writing blog. It’s just about as random as this one, but I still think it’s pretty awesome. Please check it out and read my writing! I’d love some feedback!

Oh, and I came across this the other day–>

And what did this make me think of? The image for Lolita.

 

This is nuts. Victoria’s Secret really shouldn’t be marketing sexual underwear to underage girls. According this blog post, they’re trying to sell underwear to these girls that say things like ‘Feeling Lucky’ on them.

Like we haven’t sexualized women and girls enough? Do you have to sell them underwear that invites sexual advances, that makes them seem themselves sexually?

It’s creepy. I’m not even a mother yet, and probably won’t be for a while, and I’m already worried about my potential daughters being seen as sex objects.  Ugh.

Then again, when I look in a Victoria’s Secret, the models are always posed provocatively. Now, as I am attracted to women, you might think that I like that. But it’s meant to appeal to men (really, the catalog is pretty much Playboy without genitals)  and the objectification of the women is more disturbing to me than it is attractive. It reminds me that women are still often seen as sex objects.

What does everyone else think? Am I being too sensitive? Men and women and whatever else you identify as, let me know in the comments!

Sincerely yours,

J.J