On My Own

5 02 2013

Today’s post is named after the song from Les Miserables, and my thoughts on loving a shadow. There is going to be some frank mentioning of dark things, so…read with caution? I never know how to warn for these things, and since this blog is pretty anonymous, I don’t really know who’s reading it.

 

I am perfectly aware that my crush on BB is entirely in my mind; it’s a security blanket, something I can wrap up in and use as an emotional outlet. As the song says, ‘And I know it’s only in my mind, that I’m talking to myself, and not to him’. He can be my dream lover, because I don’t have a chance to actually entangle myself emotionally with him. I can separate love and sex like I always do, so I don’t have to try and find both together, which unnerves me. Or maybe I just don’t understand it; my wires are crossed, so to speak. Abuse during my sexual development really helped my psyche along.

After doing some reading, apparently a lot of people who were sexually abused during childhood have this problem. You don’t associate sex with love, it has different associations. This only seems to apply to sex with men, in my case. I don’t have the same hang ups with sex with women, but I think I desire more of a connection with a man because I grew up with no true father figure. Okay, no more Psych 101 stuff.

So I can sleep with men, but only with ones that don’t have any ability to love me, and vice versa. And I develop emotional attachments to guys like BB, who was quite sweet to me, but isn’t interested and is emotionally unavailable. Which makes him completely safe, since I know that he’ll never love me and therefore can’t hurt me since I’ve already accepted that.  If he suddenly confessed to a burning passion for me, I’m sure I’d be happy about it, but I’m sure I would find a way to end it or screw it up. Or maybe not, because he’s thousands of miles from here and therefore I wouldn’t have to deal with him every day.

And for all my logic and explanations, I still hope every day that he’ll e-mail me, and I love that feeling of hope. Even if it’s just a projection, it makes me feel good. But unrequited feelings are too much trouble, they don’t go anywhere and they can’t grow. Eventually you grow out of them, or at least I do, but in the meantime you make mistakes. I’m trying to go to singles events and things; maybe if I find someone else, I won’t think about him.

Right now, it’s just more of the same. I’m sort of bored, to be honest. I want to explore. At least I have a part time gig. Maybe a little money will cheer me up, huh?

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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