Going on the New Year

30 12 2012

Only a week until I find out if my job’s going to keep me. If they don’t-oh well. The money would be nice, but it’s not as if I’ll be totally crushed or anything. I’m comfortable there-as comfortable as I would be anywhere, since I’m never quite comfortable with people around my age or colleagues. My lingering lack of self confidence tries to convince me that no one likes me and that they’re whispering behind my back. But whether it’s true or not, I can’t do anything about it, and most of my co-workers are not people whose opinion I value.

BB and I are back to sending dirty texts messages to each other, but then he goes and responds to my compliment by wishing that he had someone on his side of the ocean who felt that way. Ouch. That stung. I mean, I know I’m just the penfriend, but he knows I like him, so why would he say that? Unless he didn’t get exactly what I meant-he doesn’t seem to be the type to be deliberately cruel.

That little episode made me feel so much relief that I’m not pregnant. (I thought I might be, as my period hasn’t shown up, but the test says I’m not, so I’m good.) I was a little disappointed (goddamn biological clock), but oh god, can you imagine? I’m not in a place to have a kid right now, and I really didn’t want to do a transatlantic ‘Hey, guess what, I’m having your baby’ phone call. (We did use protection, in case anyone is wondering, but it’s not perfect, and since I’m not pregnant, I’m either getting my period or the flu. I hope it’s the first one, but either way I feel like crap.)

Big C says that while me and BB might not be in the cards right now, but I shouldn’t shut the door, shouldn’t believe that there’s no way of it happening, even if he’s with someone else. (He’s not right now, and he might not get to be with someone, and even if he does, that’s not necessarily a forever relationship.) And though I’m afraid that I’ll get too attached to him-which I already am in some ways-I might just be able to keep him in my heart somewhere as a dear friend and fall in love with someone else, or who knows. It hasn’t even been two months, which is why I feel silly. But maybe it’s not so silly, because if he lived in this city I would have made my intentions very clear from the start. Oh well. It’s not like I don’t have other things to do in the meantime. …like check craigslist for more jobs, tee hee. I say tee hee a lot.

Well, I should get some writing done. To those of you that read this, thanks for reading! I know this blog is sort of random, but it’s my voice, and I like it!

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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