16 12 2012

 

I am frustrated. Again.

After doing some reading online, I have learned (apparently) that the reason that I don’t do well with romantic relationships is because I give into sex too easily and I’m too needy and too distant at the same time.

1. What year is this? I know women are more hard wired to make emotional connections after sex, but am I not supposed to want to have sex early on? Maybe not. Maybe I should give it a shot. No sex until there’s an emotional connection. …which at the rate I emotionally connect with people means I’ll probably have sex two years from now, if I meet someone next week.

2. I’m too needy. I know that. Probably because between the anxiety issues, the intimacy issues, and the depression, I either don’t connect at all or I connect too quickly. So, I have to find other fulfilling things. …I’m in trouble. No sex and I have to feel fulfilled. Not that sex makes me feel fulfilled. …I’m really in trouble.

3. Of course I’m too distant, I have trust issues! A lot of trust issues! And I’m introverted and antisocial and I hardly like anyone and…I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?

I think this is just me still feeling rejected. I’ve felt like crying for two days and I haven’t done it yet, and I’m just…I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have a lot of emotional support. Well, I don’t have many friends…I have two friends, and one’s in California and the other’s emotional support for like twenty people. I have my mother, but that’s too complicated and I have to hide things from her, so that’s no good.

Oh, wait, I have a therapist! I should make a list of things to take to her to talk about, but forty five minutes a week just isn’t cutting it, especially when I have to miss a lot because of work. And I can’t afford two sessions a week. And yet I keep saying I’m okay. …maybe I should go back to my support group. But I wasn’t really comfortable there. There must be another. But I don’t know if I want to walk into another room of strangers that don’t care about me and talk about my rage and my disappointments and my frustrations and my sadness and then walk away alone again. For all my introversion and my aversion to people, I am very lonely. I want to believe that life is beautiful and that I’m worth something, but I don’t. There are beautiful moments in life, and I believe that. But they are so few and far between, and the rest is so boring and empty and painful, and I don’t know why I continue to slog through it. As for me…I might have been worth something once, but I don’t think I am.

Big C says that value doesn’t really mean anything-he’s right, something like gold only has value because we say so, it’s just a shiny rock-but value is something that people seem to agree on, because one person started it. And for anyone to think that I’m valuable and worth keeping and caring for, I have to believe that first. But I don’t! I can say that I do a million times, but deep down I don’t! Deep down I’m still the child who feels lonely and dirty and self loathing, who wishes she could disappear, or turn into someone else. Someone else who is happy, who shines, who doesn’t still sometimes want to destroy themselves because they can’t bear the loneliness and pain.

I want to tell that little girl that everything is all right. But I don’t want to lie to her, and I don’t know that everything is going to be all right. She thought that if it ended, she would be all right. She didn’t know that even if it ended, she wouldn’t feel any better. The damage was done.

The damage is the worst part. You think, ‘I’m damaged goods, so no one’s going to take me when there’s plenty of fruit out there with no bruises.’ And the cracks make you aware of even the tiniest bit of pressure because you’re so much easier to break. And criticism  You can’t take criticism. You can’t, because it means someone saw, that they know you’re no good!

And even if someone likes you, you can’t get that right, you cling because you need them to stay, and if they leave you it means that you were never any good after all, and they’re just one more mark on you.

I hate how we have a number, and for women it’s a bad thing. I don’t know my number, I don’t trust my memory to give me a complete list, so if someone asks I either tell them it’s none of their business or I make something up.

I also don’t know when I lost my virginity. I have no clue. Big C said to just pick a date, like a birthday for a pet. I picked one to make it seem like the idea made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It just makes me feel contaminated, like anyone can just get into my body and do what they want with it.

…you know, I’m not a bad person. I mean, I’m not perfect. But I’m decent, maybe even a good person on some days. I don’t try to hurt anyone, I try to be nice, I sometimes give to charity even though I avoid bums on the subway. But it doesn’t matter, because even though I’m not bad I’m not good.

No one’s ever going to take me home to meet their parents or have children with me or ask me to travel the world with them. That’s not what I’m for. I’m for booty calls and late nights and distance, I’m not that kind of girl.

There won’t be a wedding for my mother to cry at. Maybe I’ll manage to get knocked up and keep the kid and try to raise the kid to have a better life than I did before chucking myself off a bridge. That’s probably the best I can hope for-I’ll do it after my mother dies so that she doesn’t have to live with the pain of losing me.

Maybe that won’t happen. Maybe I will be happy. But it doesn’t seem like it. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s never quite right. I don’t fit anywhere, I always do something wrong. I’m never happy. Even if it seems like it, it’s all fake. And I’m tired of it.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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3 responses

16 12 2012
igudger

Ever thought of happiness as a God-given right?

16 12 2012
J.J

I’m agnostic, so no.

16 12 2012
igudger

I completely understand, and I won’t try to convince you, but I will say, I have felt like you before and the only way I found my way out is because of God…I don’t mean some artificial man-made kind of God. I’m not even sure exactly how to explain what I mean…maybe I would have to show you. Thanks for your response, my heart goes out to you, and I hope you find peace and satisfaction.

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