And Thus I am Jealous

11 12 2012

So. Jealous.

Which led me to do something stupid.

BB e-mails me (a few hours after I send him a positively filthy email) that a friend he’s had a threesome with has gotten him to host dinner for her and her boyfriend as his place; he’s wondering if he should clean his room.

Cue jealousy coming in like a kick to the stomach combined with a little nausea. So stupidly, I e-mail, mostly with the usual flirty banter, but I mention being jealous, with a little :/. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I might as well have said ‘I like you, so I don’t like the idea of you hooking up with other people when I can’t.’ STUPID.

But I can’t take it back now, so either he’ll stop e-mailing me, or he’ll send me a ‘Let’s stop this’ e-mail to try and be nice, which will be worse. Apparently my subconscious hates me and just wants me to cut him out before it gets really bad. Which apparently it already is, because normally I wouldn’t give a damn.

I hook up with guys at parties all the time. We kiss, we touch, whatever. We part ways, and it’s pretty unlikely for me to think about them again unless we happen to see each other. But then he had to go and be nice to me. He had to ask me for my number, like he cared if he actually heard from me again. Maybe it was that.

I mean, I fell for A, but it was more the idea of him. BB…I want to know him. But now I’ve gone and messed it up. My life would be so much easier if I was just a complete love and leave it type, but I’m not, because some part of me still believes in true love and serendipity.

…I wish I could take it back.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

Not that it matters, it wasn’t like we were going to date anyway. But…I’ll miss him.

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