Me and Big C

10 12 2012

Big C was all ‘You say and mope in your head too much and that’s why you don’t take chances and you’re stuck.’

Boy did I not want to hear that! I got all upset and I snapped at him. (Via text, but it was clear I didn’t want to hear that.)

But it’s probably true. I mean, it’s safer to just stay hidden inside my own head and dream than to reach for anything. If I don’t reach out, I can’t get stepped on, kicked, dismissed. But then I’ll never be anything either. I’ll always be this way. Which is a sad thought.

And according to Big C, my crush on BB is just…well, a security blanket. He’s not here, so any relationship with him is unrealistic and therefore no threat, so I can get as invested as I want and there’s no danger. That’s probably true too. But I don’t know how much of that is true, because that means whatever I feel for him isn’t really real. I’ll see how I feel in a few months. I think I jumped into these emotions too quickly. I’ll have to think of him less.

But I liked the happy bubbly feeling of crushing on him. Maybe it made me feel more real. I think I don’t feel things very strongly sometimes.

I don’t know. In the meantime, I will work on my cover letter for the internship at Penguin.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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