I. Hate. Crushing. HATE.

9 12 2012

I am so tired of this.

I put ‘Telephone’ as my e-mail alert so I’ll know when BB e-mails, and now I get stupid happy every time my phone plays it.

I tried to spend a normal night with Big C last night, and we had fun, but I spent half of it e-mailing with BB (who I keep wanting to refer to by his real name). Big C is all ‘He likes you’ and I’m all ‘Yeah, but fat lot of good that does me.’ I’m right, because there is a big gap between ‘I like you and think you’re sexy’ to ‘I want a relationship with you.’ Especially since he lives, oh, 4000 MILES FROM HERE! ARGH. And even if we did live within a mile of each other, he still probably wouldn’t want to date me. I give off the ‘I HAVE ISSUES’ aura or something. I am complicated! I’m wonderful, but…argh. I’m frustrated. I am also glad I didn’t give BB this web address, because that would be awkward as hell.

And really, I shouldn’t be crushing this hard. I don’t crush this hard. But I am now. MEH. I am simultaneously holiday happy and frustrated crush miffed. (That sounds like a lip color, frustrated crush.)

Oooh, something that has nothing to do with British Boy! I spent a crapton of money today-Lush stuff (some of it was for a gift, some was for me) Starbucks, and Sephora stuff. I did get a free gift with my Sephora Beauty Insider points, so now only a hundred and thirty more (that’ll take about five minutes) and I can get the free gift pack or whatever. YAY! …god, how am I ever going to afford a trip at this rate? I need to stop spending money on crap. But I like spending! It’s fun!

You know how much a ticket to Japan costs, plain old economy class? (Who the hell says economy class. It’s coach, everyone says coach.) It’s over a thousand dollars. WTF. I mean, and that’s not including hotel rates or an sublet, food, souvenirs, whatever else you spend on vacation. ::sigh:: I need a real job.

Oh! Back to British Boy again. He’s going on a train trip around Europe around Easter, and all I want in the world is for him to say ‘Hey, do you want to come along? It’ll totally be fun!’ And then we see Europe and have fabulous sex in train cars and fall madly in love like we’re in…I was going to say Trainspotting, but that’s the movie where Ewan  Mcgregor is addicted to heroin and a baby dies and they steal something and some other crap happens. It’s a good movie, but I think I’d rather live in…what’s a movie where a former one night stand couple go on a trip together and fall in love? That.

Not that I’m in love with him. That’s not possible, I don’t know him well enough. But I like him so much. And you know what I am? The penfriend of a guy who doesn’t want a long distance relationship. I am in the long distance friendzone. Except I can’t be in the friendzone because we talk too much about sex. So I am in the long distance friends-with-benefits zone. Which is even worse!

And don’t get me wrong, I know how stupid this is. I met him once. Once. At a sex club. Where we sat and talked before screwing each other’s brains out. And then he kissed me good-bye, and that was it. It’s not exactly a story you’d tell your kids, huh? ‘How’d you meet Daddy?’ Ha. Right.

…sorry. I’m going on. Okay, time for a poll!

Who thinks that, if this goes on for another month, that I should just confess and stop torturing myself? And who thinks I should shut up and just forget about the boy? I am actually asking seriously, blog readers. I feel like I’m in ninth grade right now, god damn my arrested adolescence. I feel foolish…but I love these fluttery feelings all the same.

Sincerely yours,






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