Hope and Disappointment

26 08 2012

Well, I might not get my money for school after all. I hate to be negative, but…really, universe? Come on, these constant setbacks are nothing but frustrating! It’s not a definite no, but I want to bury my head in my arms and cry anyway.

I said that to my therapist, who understood, but also refuses to allow me to be completely down on myself. Always try to find one person in your life who will occasionally tell you STFU when you insist on being negative.

‘My resume sucks.’

‘Bring it to me, and I’ll help you fix it.’

‘I have no skills.’

‘Yes you do.’

‘But no one wants whatever paltry skills I have.’

‘Everyone learns on the job, and you have useful skills.’

*grumblenegativemeeblemumble*

‘Stop being negative. This isn’t the end of the world. You can’t let your emotions control your actions, because you won’t get anywhere.’

Fine.’

So now I’m looking up resume how to articles and trying to write a sample cover letter. I hate cover letters. Hate hate hate hate. They all sound the same to me, no matter what you’re applying for. It’s you trying to sell yourself, so it always have the same undercurrent that annoys the crap out of me. And half the jobs I’m applying for? I don’t want, I just want to try to save some capital so I don’t have to work in some crap job I hate for thirty years to wind up with no money. In the meantime, I could get on a payment plan for school, but I’d have to come up with almost eight hundred dollars. In about two weeks. Yeah. Since I’m not running drugs or selling my body, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

***

I have a waistline again, holy crap. I’m probably not going to make my deadline of 169 pounds for Labor Day, but I’m only three pounds away. That’s not so bad. But I really need to increase my exercise, and I can’t find anything I like. I may just have to suck it up until I have enough money for a pole dancing class. (No, I have no desire to be a pole dancer. It just looks like fun, and I like the sensuality of it.)

***

A post or so ago, I talked about the death of my godmother. She’s been gone about two months now, and her husband already has a new girlfriend. She’s been in the house, lounging on the couch, and I want to smack him in the face. I want to go all smackdown on him and be all ‘Get that other ho outta my godmother’s house’. I don’t like the idea of him trying to fill her space so quickly, especially when his son had to come home and see her. My mother is of the opinion that all men do this, while women tend to wait longer. Maybe it’s true, maybe not, but in this case I find it completely tacky and disrespectful to both her memory and to their children.

***

I’m not getting my money for school. I am saddened by this. But! I will try to raise some money for the winter semester, and I’m going to appeal the decision. So, I have to keep going. Amazing how one day can change your viewpoint, huh?

I guess it’s because I had a really good day today. I worked in a garden; pulling up weeds, watering plants, eating the occasional fresh cherry tomato. Mmm. I have muscle aches, but I felt so productive! And also I got fresh greens, and sungold tomatoes, and chives and thyme! There is nothing like fresh produce. I’m not entirely sure what chives are for, but I’m going to look it up. I think they’re a garnish.

***

I’m going to talk about the shooting at the Empire State Building today for a second. Seriously, how is it that shootings are almost par for the course now? One man walks into his former place of employment, shoots his former boss, shoots eight other people, and then gets shot by the police, and it’s like, ‘Oh, well, that happened.’ I know, in the grand scheme of things, we can’t focus on every tragedy, but how did that even happen? It’s the Empire State Building, you’d think security would be a little more focused, no?

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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