I don’t know what to say about today.

14 06 2012

Music of the post: Anna Ternheim’s version of ‘China Girl’. I heard it on an episode of  Without a Trace, and it stuck with me for a while, so I’m just listening. The tone of it, if not the words, fit my mood. If you want to hear it, here’s a Youtube video with the lyrics.

I went to see my godmother today. She’s been sick for some months now, but the last time I saw her, she still looked like her. A little thinner, somewhat frail, but still the same woman I’ve known all my life. Back then, I was sure that she would recover, that everything would be restored to the way it was before, and I would get my fantasy of her and my mother playing with their grandchildren together.

That’s not going to happen. She’s in her bed most of the time now. And when I walked into her room today, I’m not sure I kept the shock off my face. She looks so drawn, like a skeleton with the skin drawn tight in some places and bunched up in others. It was so innately wrong, I didn’t want to look at her, because this couldn’t be the same . woman. And she’s on so much pain medication that she’s in a constant haze, and she reacts so slowly to everything. It’s not fair. That means nothing at all, not in real life, but still, it’s not fair. And she still managed to talk to me, tell me to take care of myself.

Her daughter and her husband are being so strong. It’s admirable, and they talk about it as if it’s completely normal. But it’s like watching someone trying to cover up cracks in a table with a lace table cloth. It makes it harder to see, but it slips and slides. Her daughter talks about her wedding, her dress, keeping the house together, refers to the whole situation vaguely. Her husband looks like he’s just trying to accept it. I don’t know what her son is up to, besides keeping busy. And all I seem capable of is writing her a poem and try to distract everyone a little.

I don’t think anyone really knows what to do. It’s easier to deal with the practical, I think. But I really don’t know. At least I told her I loved her.

I’m sorry this is such a downer of a post.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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