14 04 2012

Well, A and I are back together. And I feel all over the place. At first, I was happy, cuddling up to him, enthusiastic about how well we could do. And now, less than a week later, I’m completely unsure. We were supposed to meet up in the city for a date, and he was apparently too tired to keep our plans, but it would be totally cool if I went to his neighborhood and we hung around there. And if we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it, I guess. I said I didn’t want to go-no, actually, I didn’t say that, I hemmed and hawed and just said goodbye.

I distrust him. I don’t know if it’s my instincts telling me not to see him, or if it’s just my usual distrust of people. Sometimes it seems like he only wants me on his terms, either I see him that way or not at all. And then sometimes, when he pulls me to him like he doesn’t want to let me go, that I feel like I love him, this aching wave of tenderness.

But I don’t know if that’s really what you call love, is it? What I’m dreaming of, well it’s what almost everyone else is dreaming of, I think. Someone who I’m the happiest with, who meets me from an equal place. Well, there are more specific things. I’d like someone cuddly, and sweet, who’s understanding and not preachy at all, who will come after me if I leave, and who is protective. Oh, and who loves me very much. That’s not too much to ask, is it? In return I’d be happy to be sweet, and cook for them, and massage their shoulders, and hold their hand, and brighten up their life.

A…well, he isn’t none of those things, but…He’s not very cuddly, it’s like he does it because I want him to, and not because he wants to. He has tiny moments of sweetness, but it’s mixed up with stiffness and some preaching, and sometimes he doesn’t show understanding. He’s come after me, but he’s also pushed me away, wounded me. And I honestly can’t tell if he’s protective or not. As for loving me, I think he might, but not in any way but on his terms. Or maybe he just said he loves me to keep me. So, I don’t know.

Enough about that. More about Weight Watchers! Yay!

Well, not yay, ’cause I gained back four pounds. I was so angry-I’m guessing I was eating according to my points alone and not thinking about my food itself. I used up most of my weekly points and ate pretty badly, so I guess it’s my fault. But I’m a little more determined now. I’ve been pretty good since the last weigh in, but I haven’t really worked out much. Sunday I’m probably going to work on things at home, but Monday I have a gig (yay), so I’ll just go to the gym afterwards. Also, I was told about Fiber One Brownies. They are yummy, and only two points. And…they actually taste good, and they have fiber. So I recommend them, they’re good for a chocolate fix without the guilt. Weight Watchers also makes this chocolate smoothie powder, so if I work on not spoiling myself, I can still have chocolate. I may not make a bikini, but that’s okay. I have my favorite retro style bathing suit. It’s emerald colored, and very flattering, so I have something to wear until next summer!

It’s a good thing I have chocolate, because I’ve noticed a lot of  anger and frustration lately. Which I suppose is better than apathy and depression, but I’m much more likely to snap, and anger burns so hot I’m worried I’ll do something stupid or dangerous. Depression just makes me inactive, anger makes me want to hurt…something.

Wow. That was sort of dark. Um…let’s talk about suntan lotion! I prefer Aveeno’s spray on kind, it doesn’t make me break out. And apparently you have to reapply it, which I didn’t know. I thought you only had to do that if you got wet. So I’m going to try being religous about it, because I don’t want sun spots and more wrinkles than I have to get. …not that I’m old or anything, but still. Besides, I really don’t want skin cancer. …I love how I say that like other people might want skin cancer, or might want to look like tanned leather handbags when they’re fifty. It’s a little scary, people who look like that, it’s like they’re beef jerky, dried up chewy meat.

I also think I’m developing a bit of an ego-I’m going over what people are submitting to my writer’s group next Sunday, and I think it’s terrible, that I am vastly superior. I’ve read bad fanfiction better than this stuff, and that is saying something. …if I’m becoming one of those people who think too much of themselves, I hope someone knocks me down a peg, because those people irritate the crap out of me.

Pretty Woman is on TV. This is probably the most unrealistic romantic comedy I have ever seen. I mean, there is a generation of women who got the idea that some man will spend a week with them and decide to wrap them up in their life, and will spend oodles of money on them, and treat them with respect, and blah blah blah. Gag me.

Sincerely yours,





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