Learning To Say No

25 03 2012

I am terrible at saying no, even when I really want to. Example: Last night, friend who I’ll call Teddy (I call him that because he looks like a stereotypical big black guy, and he’s really a good guy at heart) calls and asks if I want to go to a party with him, because he needs a partner to get in. I have to get up early tomorrow, so I knew it shouldn’t, but it sounded like fun, and I felt bad saying no, so I said yes. But then I woke up this morning, and the instant I put my right foot on the floor, I cried out. (For the record, I bruised the bone in that foot a while back, so it acts up.) It’s been stiff all day, so I can hardly go out in heels and walk around. So when I told Teddy that I couldn’t go with him, he got mad and now I feel bad and…well, I’m going to make him sugar cookies to say I’m sorry.

But if I’d just said no in the first place, then none of this would have happened! I’m always so worried about making people mad or disappointing them I hem and haw and drag my feet and then just end up agreeing. It’s not good. I guess I’ll have to practice?

On another note. I’m hungry today. But all I’ve eaten so far is two slices of Asiago cheese bread and mini muffins and some raspberry lemonade water, and now I’m eating carrots and humus. I feel like a rabbit whose owner doesn’t know what to feed it. It’s like I’m lacking appetite, but not the hunger and I can’t find something that interests me. …I suppose that might be a good thing, but I like food, dang it. And now there’s a pizza in the oven. No, I didn’t make it, it’s from the supermarket. Ooh, that’s an idea, making pizza.

It is definitely a down on myself day. It’s one of those ‘nothing fits I hate how I look I’m so gross’ sort of days. Probably because it’s hot and I don’t have any shirts to wear except this top that I found that looks like a maternity shirt.

[Two Days Later]

Back from the Healing Drum Circle. The capitals are to indicate that fact that it is special. It was an interesting experience; I’m not religious, but everyone joining together to hope for something else was almost uplifting. I say almost because a lot of people got emotional, I was standing there in my African style clothes (which was cool and everything, but it was chilly and those are not warm), and the thoughts that were at the forefront of my mind? ‘Geez it’s cold.’ ‘When do we get to go inside, I’m cold’ and ‘Aw, this is nice. I should say something…when’s my turn?’

Then we got to go eat. After someone said a prayer, of course, because after an entire spiritual experience, we have to pray in order to eat. People had food already, so that was just sort of awkward, and it wasn’t a ‘Bless this food, o Lord, and bless this company’ grace, it went on a bit and I’m all ‘I’m hungry, get on with it, someone’s already salivating over the chicken’. But then we got to mingle, a lot of people went home, and those of us who were staying over decided not to go out (well, not so much decided as got guilted into staying in) and we played Uno, which was fun, actually. Beer and people who know each other well generally mix very pleasantly.  There was the usual questioning of the rules, because there are plenty of variations on the game, and we actually changed the rules between games. There’s something to be said for game nights.

[Inserts Drumroll]

I finally joined Weight Watchers! Whoo! …and I went through all of my points for today and all but six of my extra weekly points, from this morning to right now. Please excuse my language, but GOD DAMMIT. Oh well. I better make it up during the rest of the week. Fried chicken breast, on Weight Watchers, is 11 points. My points for the day, without exercise points? (They’re called Activity points, but whatever.) I’ve got 30. I had fried chicken, french fries, lemonade, bacon. I did bad today. But I’ll do better tomorrow. I’ll have to, because there’s a wedding in June, and I am going to be thinner by the time I have to go.

Well, good night all, and have a good tomorrow.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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