Thinking on the BMI and other things

19 03 2012


I think we need some work on the BMI, or Body Mass Index. I’m probably more aware of it because according to BMI standards, I’m obese. OBESE. …I am not svelte, and I admit that. But the word ‘obese’ implies so many things: sick, gross, lazy, beyond fat. It upsets me, and my issues with weight are relatively minor. I can’t believe how it would sound to someone with serious body image issues. And, it doesn’t account for differences in body fat vs. muscles, or in body frame size. I mean, why are doctors using this? There must be another way, ones that don’t use obese for someone like me, who’s…pudgy? Squishy? Obese makes it sound like I’m 350 pounds and sedentary on the couch eating doughnuts all day, and it’s a heavy weight to bear. I’m not denying that I’m overweight, but I’m not obese.  It’s like everyone’s so worried about the obesity epidemic they’re trying to scare people skinny, but we need a new system.

Maybe this is all a product of knowing I’m going to the doctor on Wednesday and I know she’s going to yell at me for only losing a few pounds. Which is a little ridiculous in and of itself, she’s my doctor, I should be comfortable with her, not worry she’s going to scold me. It’s just adding shame to my lack of body confidence. …not that my doctor should be afraid to tell me if I’m going in the wrong direction, I just don’t want to be too afraid to ask questions.


I still crave sugar. Not as much as I used to, but I still love Frappucinos, cake, cupcakes, all those things. I tried to stop eating them entirely, and the result of that was…not binging, but compulsive eating and more craving. So I think I’m going to have them once in a while, and stress about them less, because I think the stress is less healthy than the snack. I’m just trying to plan my meals more, because not having a meal planned usually leads to a meal at McDonald’s or Wendy’s, which probably have the same nutritional value as a Styrofoam cup deep-fried and sprinkled with salt. It’s not that I don’t hunger for Chinese or other fast food on occasion, but I find myself much more satisfied with a bison burger (yum), mashed sweet potatoes (MMM) and corn and edamame salad (yum yum yum) than chicken nuggets, fries, and a soda or a Frosty. I don’t even like soda that much anymore, but if it’s there, I drink it.

I have, however, discovered the trick of Crystal Light. Water, as good as it is for me, gets boring something. Crystal Light as about 10 calories in a packet, and it helps to mix it up. I find I get bored if I have to eat or drink the same thing constantly, so this prevents me from drinking something with 26 grams of sugar and 150 calories instead. Anyone who has a hard time trying to kick soda or juice, this might be something you want to try.

Another thing I’m trying is my new candle. It’s a stress relief candle from the Bath and Body Works, and I think the scent of it is actually helping. If I’m stressed, I nibble. Not as stressed, less nibbling. I’ll keep it up for a few weeks, see if I notice a difference.


And now, a moment for A. I haven’t really thought about him today, but yesterday I was all down about him, in a weighing on my mind sort of way. I still can’t tell if I miss him, if I just miss the sex, if I just miss having someone around who thinks I’m pretty, if I just miss ‘having a boyfriend’. I wonder if I would feel this way if there was someone else in my life? I almost wish he would call again, saying ‘I really want to see you’, and that he couldn’t wait for me to call…but that might be creepy, now that I think about it. Maybe we could make it work, but so far everyone seems to be saying, to quote a friend, ‘Run, don’t walk. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. This is bad.’ …I suppose this is just another reason adult relationships are complicated and difficult. …I don’t even know. I guess I have to bring it up in therapy. Again. Don’t I have enough stuff to talk about, between my intimacy issues, my general anxiety, my general angst, and my lack of faith in myself? I have to drag around my ex as well? I wish I could just kick my feelings for him, forget about him, but I guess having a heart doesn’t work like that.

Sincerely yours,







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