What I Want

12 03 2012

 

Okay, I’m still going on, doing okay. And guess who texts me out of the blue? It’s A, who wants to know how I am, who says he’s been thinking about me. I don’t answer him for about two hours, because I’m too busy wondering what his angle is. I finally tell him that I’m all right, and I ask if he was worried. He said yes, and asked if we could meet for coffee. Cue giant question mark appearing over my head. Thinking he is just feeling guilty, I say that I’m fine, if that’s his reason for wanting to meet with me. He asks what I want to meet for. (I hate when he dodges like that.) I finally just said that coffee was fine, but I didn’t know why he wanted to see me.

Here comes the kicker. He misses me. He ‘removed everyone from [his] life who [he] is not serious about, and now that [he’s] available, [he] wants to spend time with [me]. Is that okay with [me]?’ Apparently this temporarily fried a few of my brain cells, because I said it was all right, and that coffee sounded good. (I’m already started to doubt that.) To my credit, I was skeptical when he said the only one he’s interested in is me, because two weeks ago (has it only been two weeks, really?) he seemed to be able to let me go fairly easily. I said I didn’t want to rush back into anything (yay me), and he said that was okay when I said that it’d have to be on Friday because I had things to do during the week. I’m already uncertain if I even want this meeting now. That was last night. He hasn’t called or anything. So I’m wondering if he’s just lonely, or if he’s genuine, or if I really want to get back with him. I made a list of things that I want and that I’m going to do, if I do give him another shot.

1. No collar. We can play, but I don’t want to be his sub. Not anymore, if I want to hide it, I’m not comfortable with it.

2. I say what I want and what I think. No hiding, no wishy washy passive aggressive stuff.

3. I want support, and if he wants me around, he’d better give it to me, and not on his terms. No hot and cold stuff.

4. I will look for work, I will go for VESID, I will work on my recovery, I will work on myself for me. All of it on my terms, not his.

5. I don’t want him jumping all over the place. I want some consistency from him.

6. We’re going out sometimes. I don’t want to sit around his apartment all the time.

I think it’s a good list. If I want to be with him, I will. If I don’t think he’s changed in any way, or if I think our relationship is just going to end up in the same circles, I’m breaking up with him. I have to remember that I can walk away from him at any time, that I’m not bound to him. I’ll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow, though. See what she thinks. Because part of me isn’t sure if I want to get back with him. I sort of fantasized about him wanting me back, and now that it’s a possibility, I’m not sure how I feel about it. Why text and not call? I’m so suspicious of his motives…

Sincerely yours,

J.J

 

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