On the Emotional Roller Coaster

12 02 2012

Well, apparently A wants to be with me. It would be nice if that completely cleared up anything at all, but it doesn’t.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. But still. We’ve gotten to the point where we want to be with each other, but then we have arguments over stupid stuff and then I get annoyed, while A does his ‘I am at peace with the universe and now I’m not mad anymore’ bit, while I’m still steamed. Sometimes I wonder if he’s emotionally manipulating me, because I know he’s capable of doing it. But then I hate myself for doubting him, because I love him.

But something like this, I don’t understand:

Me: (walks towards the train)

A: (follows)

Me: (realizes that I’m going the wrong way, and that A has been completely aware of this the whole time) Why did you let me just walk entirely the wrong way?

Then we got into an argument about how I don’t like the mentor role he plays and that I felt stupid, until he basically told me not to fight about it, and then we just didn’t talk to each other until we got to where we were getting off the train. Then he put his headphones in my ears and let his music play and we smiled at each other, and it was in that moment and in those smiles that I remembered that I love him, more than I was angry.

We had a good time at the party we went to, as a couple. That was nice. But we’re not spending Valentine’s Day together, and I don’t know if we’re celebrating another day, which would be important to me. So it’ll just be Tuesday, and the little Chewbacca bobblehead I bought for his desk at work might just stay in my bedroom. (That Chewbacca bobblehead is the cutest damn thing. I was going to get Darth Maul, but he sort of creeped me out, and I didn’t want everyone going past his desk to be looking at a little demon who had three scenes in the whole movie.)

But this is the same man who wakes up when I’m lying next to him and can’t sleep because everything going through my heart and mind, who talks me through it all and is never angry at me for keeping him up, who lapses in and out of sleep because he’s so tired but he doesn’t want to leave me alone with my thoughts in the dark. I hope everyone has someone like that, someone who will wrap their arms around you and tell you that you are safe with them, someone who will hold you tight while you tremble and press kisses on your hair.

But then I realize I’m a burden on him sometimes, which is the last thing I want to be, I want to be less about me me me all the time, I want me to be a joy to him. I guess that means I have to keep on working on it, and try to think of him more.

I don’t want him to be tired of me. I think holding myself up would build self confidence and make us stronger.

…this was an odd post.

On another note, did anyone see the Walking Dead tonight? (If you haven’t seen it yet, spoilers below!)

1. Lori is stupid. ‘I’m going to try and make Daryl go after Rick and Glenn, even though they haven’t been gone long enough to worry about them and nothing about the situation has changed!’ And then she tells Daryl that he’s being selfish. Daryl, who had been going after Sophia and putting himself in danger. Then she goes off, hits a walker, and flips the car. I love how the primary female character comes off as both unlikable and completely incompetent.

2. …Hershel’s daughter is totally infected. Why is no one presenting that as an option, and why does no one wear gloves while touching the dead walkers? Then again, no one covers up much, and if I were in their situation I would be covered from head to toe with a mask over my face.

3. Rick totally owned the sketchy Philly dudes, what! Rick is getting to be hard, thank goodness, because if he doesn’t get with the program, people are going to start dying even faster.

4. I don’t care about the whole Glenn/Maggie bit, but it was nice that she was concerned for him. Also, how did everyone get from ‘look, a flask’ to ‘Hershel must be drinking’. That was clunky. Writers, get with it!

 

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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