7 02 2012


Well, I have a crazy idea. It’s a little unorthodox, but hang in there.

I think A and I should actually date. We somehow went from our initial hookup to hanging out and home and being serious and intimate without any actual dating stuff in between. So I think we should date. Ice skating in the park, Valentine’s Day dinner, walking around the seaport or something, going to exhibits. Maybe it’s silly and romantic of me, but I think maybe we could do that, do that part over.

Of course this entire idea may be stemming from my current theory that our relationship is based solely on sex and that if we don’t have sex, I’m not at all interesting to him. Now I’m not sure if that theory has any basis in fact or is just stemming from my own lack of self worth and my conviction that my only worth is as a sex object. But A and I? Our relationship is very. sexually. charged. At the start of our relationship, we had sex almost every time we saw each other. Maybe I’m remembering it incorrectly, but it certainly felt like that. I think the thought process was ‘Wow, we really enjoy having sex with each other. We should do it when we get the opportunity.’ Then A moved into his new place, and then I think the thought process was ‘WE CAN DO IT WHENEVER WE WANT.’ And then we may have gotten…too intimate? And now we have to take a step back. But I don’t think we should just not see each other at all. (And he hasn’t called since Friday. So this whole thing might be a moot point. If he doesn’t miss me enough to call me, then this whole idea probably isn’t going to work out.)

But I guess I have to accept that maybe we aren’t going to work out, that this’ll just be another thing that ends in a way that I don’t want, and becomes another memory that makes me ache with sadness with it comes to the surface.

…wow, that was almost pathetic, wasn’t it?

I’m up late again, but I don’t want to go to sleep, really. Nightmares do that. But I have to sleep, because tomorrow’s ‘Be good to J.J’ day. For those who aren’t in the know, that means gym, therapy, and my support group.

Had my weekly Frappucino today. It was good. Tomorrow I will have passion tea, I think. Slightly sweet but not a sugar cream bomb.

My poem for the night.

On nights that are clear,

I think of you.

On nights that are wracked by storms,

I wonder if you are warm.

On nights that are silent,

I wish you could hear my voice.

On nights that we lie together

I think you wish we did not


And on that melancholy note, this post ends.

Sincerely yours,





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