Another Down Day

3 02 2012

This is probably going to be a short post, because I’m so lackluster today I probably absorb light.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do about yesterday. I know other people must have complicated relationships, but I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this. Well, I suppose I could talk to my therapist, but my next appointment isn’t for a few days, and I need to toss it out there. This is a little like having my diary read to the world, but what the heck. I got no exercise done today, or anything else constructive, all because I’m too busy thinking about A.

The human heart is a strange thing, even my own. So I’m unsure how his heart is going. When does he expect me to decide? Does he expect me to give up on us? He wants me to tell him what I want from him. What does he want from me? Does he just want me to hang around until one or both of us want to move on? That doesn’t seem like a relationship to me, that seems like a weight. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to occupy time. I love being with him, I do. It’s not perfect, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with him.

A says there’s always someone who’ll treat [you] better. But I don’t know if I want to say good-bye to him. But then there’s the whole ‘I don’t think he wants to get married/stay together or have kids with me.’ It’s a good thing that I’m not pregnant, because he’d want to keep it, and then who knows what I’d do. I mean, what if I had been? Then we’d probably break up faster, and I’m just his baby mama and I have a kid split between two parents. That’s all.

Maybe I should break up with him. If we’re just going to break up, maybe I should use this time to work on me (and probably cry for weeks), and then find someone else to fall in love with. Or not even look for someone. Maybe I’ll just trip over them, like I did A. But I don’t even expect that to happen, because I fall so rarely. Some people seem to have so many relationships, trying them on like shirts. I get attached so rarely, and when I do I can get serious quickly. Maybe that’s why I’m so reluctant to let him go. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

At least I’ve got a job to do tomorrow.

 

Addendum:

Talked to A. We’re going to take it slow, and stop talking about forever. We need to focus on making ourselves better and not getting completely dependent on each other. He’s tired, I’m tired, we both need space, and we have to evaluate how we feel. I am so emotionally wiped out right now. But I’m not going to stop. I’m going to get better, no matter how hard it is. I’m tired of being directionless, and the whole point of this blog is to chronicle my journey of finding direction, and I’m not going to have much of a journey sitting in one place.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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