A Downer Ending

3 02 2012

I got up, tired as usual, and went to the gym for my orientation with a trainer. After being told (very nicely) that I’m too fat (like I didn’t know that already), we went over a simple exercise routine, what kind of cardio to do, etc. It was nice to feel like I have some sort of plan to get in shape now. The trainer was very nice and tiny, especially compared to me. Man, I am so tired of being fat. Well, at least I have some motivation. But I am not going to the damn gym tomorrow because I. am. tired.

Then I went and messed around in Barnes and Noble for a while, bought a book by Neil Gaiman. (If you’ve never read anything by him, go to a bookstore and find something. They are awesome and a little trippy and deeply satisfying.) I also got a Frappucino, which I felt guilty about afterwards but they’re so good I couldn’t help it. But only one a week, if that. That’s the rule now. I also was naughty at lunch and ate a hamburger. But I can’t help it now, so I’ll just keep going. (I think that’s how you have to try to go through life. I have to stop feeling guilty about every little thing.)

Then I was supposed to meet up with a group, including A. But I didn’t go, instead I went to my support group, since there was a lot I had to say, and it was good to hear others share. But then I met up with the group for dinner, and A and I talked. It was stiff at first, then we relaxed. After dinner we decided to talk, and apparently we’re both doing all right with our few days of not talking to each other, even though both of us apparently wanted to call and see how/what the other was doing.

But of course, things couldn’t continue to go that well, because nothing ever goes perfectly. I told him that I hadn’t wanted to mess around the night he said that we should put a little distance between us, and…well, it didn’t go over well. He said that he can’t be in a relationship with me if I’m doing things against my will, he doesn’t feel comfortable with that. I told him I only did it because I felt so disconnected from him, and that I didn’t want to push him away. He then asked me what I wanted from him, and I couldn’t answer him. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t know, or because I want something I know he won’t or can’t give me, (like maybe a wedding and a baby), or because I’m too scared that he’ll shove me away entirely. As it stands now, I gave him back his house keys, and when I figure out what I want I should let him know. He said he’ll be waiting.

 

So I’m at home with a plan about how to work on my weight, a plan how to work on my self esteem, a plan about how to work on my issues, and a resume to polish up. But I don’t have a plan to keep myself from losing this man that I’ve come to love. I don’t know what to say to him. Maybe this is the point where we are meant to part. But I don’t want it to be. I want to take trips with him. I want to keep laughing with him. I want us to have a Valentine’s Day together. I want us to go to the beach when it gets warm, I want to go on long drives and stay up late on the weekends and then spend the entire morning in bed before going to get brunch. I want to make a home with him. I don’t even know if any of these things are possible anymore, if I’m just dreaming and I’ll have to wake up alone. Maybe it’ll turn out that I’ll have to pack up the books he’s lent me and the jewelry he’s given me and the shirt that he’s let me sleep in and keep in a box and send it to him. Maybe we’ll never speak again, or maybe we’ll meet up in the future and compare our lives and part. I’m crying, thinking these things. I don’t want to be parted from him. Someone might say that we don’t have anything to build a relationship on, and it’s true that we can be pretty different about some things. But I think on the important things we work well together. We can share duties, we can sit in the same room together and not do anything. I can curl up against him and not speak and be content. We make each other laugh.

But maybe I’m just being very silly. This is the same man who says one day we’ll break up, and still be part of each other’s lives, but not lovers. He says I’ll fall in love with someone else, and not want him anymore, and only need that person. I suppose it’s possible, but I don’t fall in love very easily, and I want to stay with him until we have to break apart. That’s not taking his feelings into account, though. Maybe he knows he’ll get tired of me. I don’t think he wants me giving birth to his children, whatever he says about any potential accidental pregnancies. And if he doesn’t see a future with me, then should I even hang on? Should I just let go, and let myself grow, and perhaps I’ll fall in love with someone else? Maybe he’s just waiting for that to happen, so that he doesn’t have to cut me loose?

I don’t know. I just know that I wish I could be with him tonight, and that I knew what to tell him, and that I knew what he wanted. I’m grateful I fell in love with this man, but now I don’t know which way to go.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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