Doing Good For Me

1 02 2012

Well, after processing that A wants distance…well, no. I haven’t really processed it, because I don’t know what he meant, and I’m not sure that I really want to talk to him right now. I still can’t believe he wanted sex, knowing I had just been crying for an hour. It’s so unlike him that I can’t reconcile it with the man I love.

But I decided to push myself, and I’m proud that I did. So I got up, went to the gym. Everyone who has trouble motivating themselves to work out, the sense of pride you get is great. (Also, exercise¬†endorphins.) I swam a few laps (and discovered my form isn’t so great anymore, oops), and then did some cardio, nothing backbreaking, but I worked up a sweat, and I managed to think more about what good I was doing myself than how fat I thought I looked.

Then it was therapy time. Now, I know not everyone needs therapy, and that’s a good thing. But if you have pain or anxiety or trouble coping with your life, you could look into it. For me, therapy is a place to talk about whatever’s bothering me, to seek out strategies for coping with my life, and to get perspective on my life. Today I got reminded of two things: one, I would miss A so much if I left him, and two, that I can leave him, if I feel like the relationship isn’t good for me. I’ve never left anyone.

Then I went to a support group. I felt so good about going, and the other people there said it was good that I came. Anyone with trauma in their past, please consider a support group in addition to therapy. I’ve only gone once, and already I don’t feel so isolated. You have a place for expressing yourself, with people who have gone through similar things, who won’t judge you. I know I’ve only gone once, but it had a profound effect on me.

So, all in all, today was a good day. But now I’m tired, so that’s all for now.

Sincerely yours,

J.J

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