21 01 2012

I haven’t posted in a while. I guess I was busy? I mean, I guess I forget to post, or maybe I’m not in the mood? I’m mostly writing for myself anyway, right? Is anyone actually reading this? It’s like giving a speech to an empty room.


I joined a gym. Good for me, right? I’m going to really try, even if I’m sometimes discouraged. But I’m tired of feeling fat and low energy and feeling bad about myself, so I’m going to try. Starting Monday, ’cause I’m giving myself the weekend off-this week was tiring! I got a gig watching someone’s child while they were at a conference. Babies are a lot of work! That’s why I’m waiting to have any of my own until I have more money and someone else to help me and emotional maturity and less self doubt. But I do want to have children of my own one day. The love of a parent is something I want to experience.


It’s probably not going to be with A, though. I know that, and it makes me sad, but I’m going to try to enjoy our time together. He’s totally stressed (for various reasons), and I can’t do anything to help. What kind of useless girlfriend am I? I even asked what I could do, and he couldn’t think of anything. I want to be the kind of person he can rely on, and I’m trying to change. This gig was a big thing; the old me would never would have gone on a trip with someone I barely know to do a job, especially with so much social interaction. Social interaction wears me out.

But still. I am trying, and it’s not enough. It makes me feel inadequate and frustrated, especially since I can’t force my own development. And I don’t think I should have to. But then I feel guilty that I’m not supporting him and that I make demands on his time, but isn’t that part of being in a relationship? Am I supposed to feel bad for wanting to be with him?

This is when I wonder what he gets from being with me. I think he’ll break up with me, sometimes. And I don’t want break up with him, I don’t think I will unless I fall more in love with someone else more than I am with him. He’s the first person I’ve said ‘I love you’ to. I mean, I’ve said it to my mother and my brother, but I’ve never said it to a lover. Since my virginity essentially got thrown away, this means something to me. But I’ve decided, even if we do break up, even if I have to say good-bye to him, even if it’s going to break my heart, I’m still going to keep trying, to keep growing. Because I’ll be able live happily as myself, with the people in my life. So, onward.

Sincerely yours,





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