The Beginning of the New Year

2 01 2012

 

Time for New Year’s Resolutions!

1. Lose weight. (Like everyone else, right? But I am serious about it.)

2. Try to be more considerate.

3. Be more in touch with my emotions and understand where they’re coming from.

4. Try to mature, and reduce my anxiety.

 

I think that’s good enough to be getting on with. So far, I’m doing some work on 2, 3, and 4, and I’m trying to cut down on my sweets. It’s pretty hard for me, I crave sweets pretty often. But I think if I learn to substitute fruits or hummus for my need for sweets, it might help me some. I have come to really like hummus, and I love fruit, but I don’t know how long it’ll take for my cravings for sweets to subside.

I worry that I’m not too considerate, so I’m trying to work on it. But I sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it because I want to please A, and that I’m selfish and inconsiderate by nature. I’m going to try anyway, try to think more about the other people in my life, because they think of me.

I’m much more in touch with my emotions than I used to be, but sometimes I have emotional reactions and I don’t know where they’re coming from. So I am trying to be aware of how I react to things.

As for my maturity, I’ll just let it grow naturally. I’m noticing a little growth more often lately, and maybe I shouldn’t force it. And as for anxiety, that’s what therapy, lavender, and my medication is for. And it’s going to be gradual, I know that. But it’s gotten better. I can get out of bed, I can meet new people, I can face challenges without trembling. I’m going to get better one day.

_______________

Now as for what happened on New Year’s.

Friday night I went to A’s, planning on staying over. I got my Christmas/birthday presents at last. Three cell phone chargers (practical, no?). At first I thought that was it, but then he gave me a little ceramic box. When I opened it, there was a pearl necklace and bracelet inside. I think it’s vintage, I’ve never seen the type of clasp that the necklace has on modern jewelry. It was very sweet, and it makes me happy that he took the time to pick something I would like.

Then it was New Year’s Eve, and we were cleaning up the apartment. It was all very domestic, and I was happy. But I was nervous, because SG2 was coming, and it was the first time we met. To my shame, my first thought when I saw her was ‘Psh, I am way hotter than that.’ Maybe that’s part of the reason I don’t feel threatened by her, or by their relationship. (They also seem to argue a lot.) That, and his relationship with her doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. We aren’t interchangeable.

But! Then something really interesting happened. (Those with delicate sensibilities, you might want to skip this bit. It’s not really graphic, though.)  I wanted to stay, and SG2 wanted to stay, and we both wanted to have sex with A. I felt bad about her leaving, but I didn’t want to give up time with him, or just listen to them have sex. So A and I thought, since SG2 wanted to watch us do a scene, we could do that, since I’m not really into SG2 and vice versa. And, it was so.freaking.hot. I knew about my kink of being dominated, but being watched? Apparently I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak.

So, hopefully, now that I’ve broken the ice (very forcefully) with SG2, we might get to know each other-A says he wants us to have a relationship. By which I mean he’d like us to be friends. We’re not going to have a sexual or romantic relationship (not that A would care if we did), but A would like us to get along. (If they stay together.)

Now, oddly enough, that I don’t feel threatened by SG2, I had to find a new person in his life to worry about, a man I’ll call Mr. Domestic. He’s in love with A (though A says that he’s not interested, that they’re just really good friends), and he’s so…well, domestic. He loves to cook and clean and do house projects. I don’t. Well, I do like to cook and bake, but dusting and laundry and vacuuming? Not so much. I do it because there’s a sense of satisfaction in it and it makes other people happy. But Mr. Domestic does it all, and well, and he fawns over A like…rgh. I don’t like it. I don’t mind Mr. Domestic, but he makes me feel insecure. A says that I shouldn’t feel like I’m competing with him, that he loves me, and he doesn’t compare us that way. Also, we have good sex and he doesn’t have a sexual interest in Mr. Domestic. I should just believe him, but…urgh. I am so insecure.

Geez, this post took forever. I hope anyone who’s reading this had a good New Year’s!

                                    Yours,

                                   J.J

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