The Christmas Aura, and A and I

17 12 2011

I was sadly lacking in Christmas cheer until today. I don’t know if it’s universal, but once December hits me, usually I’m so infused with Christmas spirit I’m practically pooping tinsel. But this year, it wasn’t so exciting. I don’t know what it was. But then today, I went into a little ‘holiday market’ thing with my mother. I wanted to do something Christmas-ey. And so we did. We looked in almost every little booth (jewelry made from real orchids, porcelain lamps, the most delicious waffles (mine had whipped cream and maple syrup and strawberries…), we soaked in the aura of Christmas, bought an ornament made with cloves (I love the smell of cloves, don’t you?), and bars of scented soaps. Not pastel flowery soaps, I don’t like those. Ours have scents like mango and spice and lavender, things that make me feel sensual and a little exotic, rather than puffed up on roses. I also got a little bar of dark blueberry lavender chocolate. Mmm…

And then we picked up a little Christmas tree, the kind you put on the table. It’s a nice tree, and it gives the house that pine smell, that really makes me feel like it’s going to be Christmas.

Thankfully, I’ve gotten my mother a present already, and ordered A’s things already, but my brother’s present I haven’t gotten yet. I really keep leaving things for the last minute. I’m too old for this constant procrastination.

I worry sometimes that my children (who are right now nothing but wonderings and dreams of potential) won’t see Christmas as anything more than the presents. I’m not especially religious, but I do love this time of year. The gifts, the family, the bustle, the idea that once a year everyone can come together in joy and happiness and celebrate whatever Christmas means to them. I want it to be more than Black Friday and who gets what. I want the Christmas dinner where everyone passes their platters, shares their gifts and sips their drinks while everything is scented with good food and pine. I want the joy.

——————

A seems really down. He’s usually so easy going, it hurts me when he’s like this. He hasn’t called, even though he answers my texts, and I’m worried about calling- I don’t want to intrude on him if he’d rather be alone. I’m still unsure if my presence is comforting to him or not, or if he’d rather I just wait until he’s in a better mood. I hope it isn’t the later. I don’t think we’ll last, not if when he’s upset he doesn’t want me around. What if we move in together one day? Am I supposed to hide out in the house, dodging his moods? Oh, am I just worrying about this too much? I think sometimes that if I worried anymore my hair would fall out!

I think I want to tell him I love him. But I am still such a weak thing, and exposing my heart that way…I still think I don’t dare. I’ll have to show him. I’m not indifferent. I’m just…scared of stepping out on the ice. Metaphorically speaking. I’m such an indecisive creature.

I want to keep growing.

Yours,

J.J

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