Oh God I’m in a serious relationship

16 12 2011

When I met up with A today, he was super morose. His moroseness was practically oozing out of his pores. He talked about having to admit to someone that he’d been using them (and wasn’t that interesting), but then I get the ‘we have to talk’ bit. I, being me, and by that I mean ‘insecure as hell’, assume he’s going to break up with me and try to walk away. But oh no, that’s not what he means. He feels neglected, and that, from what I gathered, that he’s far more invested in this relationship than I am, and gives me a month to change my behavior, or he’s done. I think all the time limit is doing is making me nervous, and making me feel tested, but I don’t want to break up with him either. But I’m not sure if I know what I’m supposed to be doing! Am I supposed to be sweeter? He’s told me he loves me, am I supposed to say it back? I’ve felt like saying it, but it’s terrifying, and the last time I told someone I loved them they broke off contact with me.

Maybe I secretly want to go back to not being accountable to anyone, but then I think about not seeing him anymore, not being able to go back to him, and I get sad. He’s not my ideal (in that he doesn’t look Misha Collins and can get snappy), but there’s a difference between some dreamed up ideal that’s about as substantial as water vapor, and a real person who offers you love. Which brings me to the worry that maybe my feelings for him are based on his feelings for me. As if he stopped loving me, would I still feel the same way about him? Is that what it means to be in love with someone? I don’t know!

And in the meantime, how can I make him feel valued? I could cook him dinner, clean up his apartment? I already ordered his Christmas present, and I might buy one more thing, and maybe try to listen to him more? We don’t live together, so I can’t be waiting with slippers and a cocktail when he gets home (not that I’d be waiting with a cocktail even if he did, but I might have coffee or soup or something). But I might come over and make some food for him, or give him back rubs or…I don’t even know if these are good ideas!

I hope he likes his Christmas present. It was on his wish list! I hope he likes it. Maybe I should give him something more special…but giving him what he wants can’t be too off, right? One thing I can give him in front of other people, the other thing I’ll give to him privately, I guess, and maybe I should come up with something that can only be given behind closed doors. I hope he doesn’t think I didn’t put thought into his gift or something…

On a side note, I think I should seek out more female companionship, whether it’s a lover or a new friend. I’m always associating with boys. Girls are fun too! There is something to be said for a female companion who’ll laugh and cuddle with you, even if you never get to kiss her. Which is actually a little sad for someone like me, because I haven’t had a real solid relationship with a girl in a long time. Or ever really, because the only time I thought I had one it turned out it wasn’t mutual. Maybe A and I can find a girl we both like. Or maybe I don’t want to share a girl with him, and I want one of my very own! (Pfft. Like a girl’s a teddy bear or something. No, I don’t think women are objects.)

Well, it’s late now, and hopefully I’m a little more together tomorrow.






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