Follow Your Heart

16 12 2011

Okay, first off, what does that mean? Are my heart and my instincts the same?

I’m asking this question because I keep hearing that advice. From A, from my mother, from a friend. I think I’m terrified of doing it because my heart is so easily wounded. How can I follow its guidance? But then, maybe it’ll let me be more honest. Sometimes, just when I’m looking at him (A), I want to say ‘I love you’. But I’ve never said it to a lover before. So this is a hell of a step for me. Is it so huge for everyone?

And how do I know I’m listening to my heart? I hope that my heart isn’t the part of me that tells me to turn tail and run, because I dislike that part of myself. I want to believe in the part of myself that wants to bring him dinner some nights, remember the little things he says, the little things he wants. But I have such doubt, so many worries about ways to get it wrong. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to get it right.

This’ll be our first Christmas together. I don’t want it to be our last one.

—————————-

My piece on my personal poly lifestyle for the day.

I think he’s going to be his other serious girl tonight. (I’ll call her SG2, just so I’ll remember.) I want to call him, but he’s busy right now, and then I don’t want to interrupt his time with her. But it doesn’t make it easier when I want to reach out to him, that I don’t relax a little bit when he argues with SG2.

I might want another lover at some point, but I don’t think this is a good time for me. Unless I meet someone I have great chemistry with, but I don’t think I’m actively seeking someone.

If I had what I’m dreaming of, we’d go looking for a third partner together in the future, a man or a woman. I think someone very easy going and calm would do well with us. But someone who would suit us, who would be happy with both of us? That’s a rare thing.

It’s not to say that I’m unhappy with the relationship we have now. I’d just prefer that we were in a triangle or square instead of me being one of the dots that’s connected to him without being connected to anyone else. Maybe I just like the idea of balance between us.

————————

Wow, this post is bouncing all over the place.

Now I’m talking about body image. Mine, depending on the day, is either ‘eh’ or ‘OMG I look like a fat whale’ or ‘I’m so sexy I’m hurting people’. I would prefer to be the third on the majority of days. Now, while I don’t have the worst body in the world, if you told me I had to stand on a street corner in my underwear for ten minutes I would probably burst into tears, and not just because December.

Now, I know, I know. I need to work out. 98% of America needs to work out too. I just have a hard time getting motivated. Looking at my body doesn’t make feel like ‘All right, yeah, let’s go work out!’ It just makes me feel defeated. But losing weight would really help my body image, and I wouldn’t have to look for bigger sizes anymore, and I would worry about my health less.

Now, part of wanting to lose weight is simple vanity. I want to wear slinky dresses and smaller sizes and not have to be limited to what comes in my size. And I’m at the beginning of plus size, in the 14-16 range. I don’t know how bigger women find anything to wear! The majority of things that are intended for plus size women are either hideous, cheap, or both. There’s a few things online, but I haven’t found a store where I can try things on that have things I’m really interested in. I know it’s more expensive to make bigger clothes, but you can’t say there’s no market for women who want cute clothes that will fit them. Just because you’re not a size 8 doesn’t mean you don’t take pride in your appearance!

…okay. Anyway. I’m hoping for a gym membership for Christmas, which gives me somewhere to go, rather than trying to do push up and Zumba in my living room. Other people also working out has the effect of making me want to put some effort in, while the apartment makes me want to lay down or go play Tetris.

I look at the super fit people and I admire their consistency and their willpower, but I don’t think I’ll ever reach that level. One, I like red velvet cake. I will eat it. Two, my favorite hobby involves sitting on my butt for hours, as I have not found a way to write and move without falling over or walking into trees. Three, I sometimes like to eat unhealthy things. While I like baby spinach and tomatoes and steamed shrimp, sometimes I want pizza and fried chicken wings, and I want to eat them. But I want to work out so I can indulge sometimes without crushing guilt. (I don’t think I have a very healthy relationship with food…)

Speaking of food, I have some big shrimp and prosciutto that are calling my name, begging to be cooked. So, until next time.

Yours,

J.J

 

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