The first post of a directionless 25 year old

13 12 2011

This is going to be the blog of, as the title says, a directionless 25 year old who is looking for direction, a path in life, fulfillment. Not so strange, right? I’m also bisexual, in a poly relationship, and have enough issues for about five people. And this isn’t going to be censored, it’s going to be however I feel like talking about it, so those of you with really delicate sensibilities might want to take your leave.

To be technical, I’m going to be twenty-five years old in a few weeks, and I feel like I’m not really going anywhere. It’s like I’ve extended my adolescence to the point where it’s either pathetic, contemptible, or pitiful. I’m still essentially dependent on my mother for everything. It’s not out of laziness, or at least, not entirely.

I’ve been taken care of my entire life, so I’ve never really been challenged to push myself. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and a subset of PTSD. The end result is that I’m easily stressed out, I don’t handle a schedule well, and it’s not easy for me to relate to people. So it’s easier to hide inside and not confront the entire world. And emotionally eat. Luckily I haven’t eaten myself into obesity yet, but here’s hoping I get some motivation to, bluntly, get off my ass.

It’s sort of amazing, but I have a boyfriend. He’s pretty sweet to me, but we have so much friction sometimes it’s like getting constant rug burn. He wants me to grow up, I guess so I can be a partner for him. One of his partners anyway. He likes me, hell, maybe he even loves me, but he doesn’t want to be constantly taking care of me. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want a partner I had to constantly care for either. I want to be able to stand by his side with pride of my own. I want to grow.

Part of me wants a conventional relationship, just me and one other person, and we only have to share with each other. Well, we could swing. For anyone who doesn’t know what swinging is, it’s basically having a committed relationship, but one or both of you have sex outside the relationship, within whatever guidelines you come up with, usually without a relationship beyond the sex. My boyfriend, who for convenience I’ll call A, and I don’t do that. Well, not yet anyway. But he does have other people he’s with, so that’s interesting. At the moment, I have no other lovers, and since I’m his submissive (Oh, did I not mention that? Well, I am. The power dynamics are quite interesting), I have to essentially ask permission before pursuing someone beyond flirting.

Part of me enjoys the control, his restrictions. But part of me doesn’t. I want to deny that I enjoy it, I want to snap the bonds between and revel in boundless sexuality and affairs. But to do that I would have to abandon him forever. And I don’t want to give up the nights I can spend in his arms, the laughter, the thrills he grants me, the promises of more time together. So I stay. And when someone interests me enough to ask for his consent, then I think I will.

So, this is the beginning. The beginning of my hope that I can grow, and change, and find the elusive fairy known as happiness. If anyone reads this, well…then you’ve read it. I’ll keep writing, in any case. This may seem aimless, or pointless, but doesn’t life often seem that way?

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